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(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

Jealousy and other problems

A little bit of jealousy is common if you have strong feelings towards someone. But when jealousy goes too far, it could have a bad effect on your relationship.

Jealousy and insecurity

How do you know if your partner is being obsessively jealous? There are a few tell-tale signs. They might get angry when you talk to other people or do things on your own. They might stalk you, demand your computer passwords, check your text messages, listen to your phone conversations, or constantly complain that you’re not giving them enough attention.

Jealousy is a difficult trait to shake off, but it's possible if you try. The first step is to realise that being jealous makes life difficult – for you as well as for your partner. After you’ve acknowledged that, it might be a good idea to share your concerns with your partner. Learn more about how to deal with jealousy in our Jealousy: top five facts.

Insecurities may also crop up in unequal relationships where one partner feels he or she gives more than the other. If you're feeling uneasy or unhappy in a relationship, try to talk about it with your partner. Communication goes a long way towards solving insecurities.

How to talk to your partner if you get jealous

Jealousy can be a hard feeling to overcome. It’s even worse if a partner has cheated on you in the past, or left you for another person.
To make sure jealousy doesn’t ruin your relationship, it’s important to talk openly before something happens. Talk about how you feel about your partner talking with people of the opposite sex – but remember that it shouldn’t be any problem for either of you to have friends of any sex.

If you notice your partner talking closely with another person, don’t immediately accuse them of flirting or wanting to sleep around. Avoid saying things like:

‘I can’t believe you were flirting with that girl in front of me!’

‘I bet you wanted to sleep with that guy since you were talking so much with him!’

Instead, you both should agree on how far is too far, and understand what actions make the other person uncomfortable – such as touching or holding hands with friends. If you really felt that your partner was flirting with someone, explain the situation and how it made you feel.

‘When you were talking with that girl, I felt ignored and it upsets me.’

But your partner might feel they weren’t flirting at all. Be ready to accept that. After you have calmed down, suggest coming to a solution together. For example, if one of you is talking to another person you don’t know, you could agree to introduce each other as boyfriend or girlfriend early on, so the new person knows you’re a couple. Find what works for you and your partner.

Lack of attention

Most of us have a strong emotional desire to be in a relationship. We start feeling dissatisfied if we're not getting the attention we need. So if your partner goes on a business trip and doesn't call you the whole time, you might feel neglected – and annoyed!

If you feel that your partner isn't paying attention to your needs the way they used to, you might start worrying that something's gone wrong. There could be another explanation – perhaps they're just very busy with other things. But it could mean that they're starting to lose interest in the relationship.

Of course, this works both ways: if you've been feeling stressed and working more than usual, for example, your partner might be feeling neglected.

In either case, it might be good to have a talk. It always helps to discuss your needs and expectations of the relationship. A lack of communication often leads to misunderstandings. Letting your partner know both what you want from them and what you can offer could give your relationship a fresh start.

Sexual dissatisfaction

Sex is an important part of any intimate relationship. If sex gets worse or stops all together, it could affect your emotional bond too. You could be left feeling dissatisfied with your relationship if your partner doesn’t want to have sex as often as you do. Or the other way around – perhaps you just can't keep up with your partner’s high sex drive.
It’s completely normal for one person to want sex more often than the other in a relationship.

If your partner says they don’t feel like having sex, respect their feelings and don’t pressure them into it – it’s likely to put them off sex more and more. And if you’re the one who doesn’t feel like having sex – perhaps because you’re too tired or stressed – instead of just saying 'no', try suggesting a time in the not-too-distant future when you’ll definitely be up for sex and romance.

You might also find that you’re turned on by very different things. Maybe your partner wants oral sex, but you’re not keen on it. Or you like it rough, but they prefer gentle. Again, pressuring your partner into something they don’t fancy will never be good for your relationship. Talk about it, and see if you can find a compromise.

If you’re unhappy with your sex life, communication is key. Don’t blame your partner or make them feel inadequate – you don't want to damage their self-esteem, and sex is a very sensitive subject. Be open and approachable. Listen to what the other person has to say, and try to understand their point of view.

Growing apart

Long-term relationships sometimes phase out because both partners have outgrown each other – people change over time, and perhaps you've both been moving in different directions. You might realise that the two of you have different ideas about life and what you want from the relationship.

This could be because you haven't really talked to each other for a long time. Working on your communication could help bring you back together.

Hi Nthabeleng, We can imagine how frustrating this is to you. Have you talked about why he coming home l;ate always? This might help you find a solution or a way forward. It maybe important you talk about your expectations in the relationship so that together you can agree on how to proceed. It may help to approach the conversation from a place of wanting to find a solution. Check out the following article for tips on communication.
Eva shiro
Wed, 05/24/2017 - 14:40
Am 24y old now and i have a boyfriend.... This boy he invite his Ex girlfriend kwake, soo one day nikaenda uko and i find uyo dem uko and i was shocked nini uyo dem Anafanya uko... Soo i ask the boy dem ni nani and he told mi ni cuzo yake.... After some days i find the girl akifua nguo za boy mpaka za dani soo i did talk.. A few minutes nikaita dem and i ask her to tel me the truth... Alafu akanishow alikua Ex girlfriend, for now am married to that guy bt am steel dout yeye coz nilifukuza dem and I get married... Pliz i need your advice niache kufikilia uyo dem all the time...
Hi Eva, Kama uliamua kuolewa na yeye na pia yeye akakubali kukuoa inamaanisha yuko committed kwako. Ni muhimu umutrust na kama kuna sababu yeyote inafanya usimuamini ni poa muongee kuhusu hiyo sababu ndio pia yeye akuhakikishie yuko committed kwako. Tafuta time nzuri muonge kuhusu relationship yenu na pia umwambie kuhusu kile wewe unatarajia kwa hio relationship yenu na pia yeye akwambie so that you can build your relationship from there. You also have to make a decision to trust him now that you chose to marry him. We wish you well.
Thu, 06/01/2017 - 17:23
My boyfriend has been ignoring me for days over a little misunderstanding we had few days ago. He doesn't pick my calls , he doesn't reply my chat. What do i do ?
Hi Glory, It appears what you maybe thinking was just a small misunderstanding was not so for your boyfriend. Perhaps you need to begin by acknowledging his concern with whatever it is you disagreed about this way you can move forward from there. Apologize, which may help get things back to what they were. Do give it time before you reach out especially if he is not answering. We wish you well. Check out the following article for more information:-
Hey Nana, I am not sure what advice you want... But is dating a married man what you want? What is the future of your relationship? Think about what you want not just now but also in the future and think about whether this relationship will give you what you want.
I have the problems one day I phone my boyfriend he didn't answer my call I send him a msg cos I was so agree for him ,from that day his not taking my calls ,I send more than seven msgs to apology but his not responding ,his not taking my call now I don't know what to do I try all my best to make things okay but it not helping
Hey Zee, You seem to have done all you can to reverse this situation. All you can do now is just give him sometime and see if he will have a change of heart. You need to be prepared since things may not go back, he may not want to get back and if this the case you will to respect his choice.
I'm wit a guy dat i love very much and he loves me too but my problem is he has a sister and he is the one taking care of her,he care so much for his sister that sometimes i feel ignored. Wherever i ask him for money he complains he doesn't have but wat bothers me most is dat he always tell me i hav to buy phone for my sis,i hav to buy that for my sister and that or really bothers me that sometimes i feel jealous of his sister. Pls wat should i do
Hey Vic, You need to be honest with your partner about this. Remember it is important that you do not try to come between him and his sister but rather to just let him know what the lack of attention toward you makes you feel or does to your relationship with. This is something that can happen in a relationship, for you it is a sister, for another it could career, a new business/job or project. Find a good time and talk about this. Check out this article;-
Hi My girlfriend has been behaving weired of late. Whenever i call her as we used to call each other night i find out that she is ever on phone and whenever she finds out i was trying to reach her out,she does not return the phone calls and the next morning she is not even bothered and am the one to call again...when i try to ask she says she has been talkng to a friend...i try to make her open up..atleast by asking her whats the problem might be since am seeing the changes but still she says she is fine.. help me out because i love this girl and i was thinking of giving her personal space till the day she will open up
Hi Hamisi, It is important you find a good time and have a face to face conversation wit your partner about these issues. You need to let her know the changes you have observed and what this is doing to you and the relationship. Talk about your expectation in the relationship and have her also tell you what she expects. Communication is essential for any relationship and when there is none or very little partners may begin to grow apart. We wish you well.
Hi DD, sorry that your relationship didn't work. All you can do now is take time to heal and hopefully after you will meet someone who respects you enough not cheat you. Check out this article;-
Hi Trish, It is never easy to completely move on from a break up especially when it is your trust that was broken. The reality about relationships is that not all will last forever. When one fails, take time to think about what went wrong, allow time for you to heal and then when you are ready get into a relationship. You seem not to have gotten over your past, and for you to have a great relationship you will have to move past your past experiences. Look back at your past relationship, see what went wrong, learn out it and do better in a future relationship.
Hi Guys , Kindly note this every relationship require three pillars 1.Respect. 2.Trust.3.Love. You will never enjoy any relationship without any of the three even if you meet an Engel forget it they work for your good relationship together and NO one is favoring the other in this case You two made it happened. All You need also is understanding and being able to have dialog among you a cross the table please don't text meet one to one ,I believe on that.
Hi am Angela i have a boyfriend and i love him but found out recently that he is cheating......i found messages of him with other women on his phone but when i confronted him he says there are from the past.... i get jealous anytime i think of him with other women.........i had initially planned on living him but he convinced me not to....we are still together but am afraid jealousy is consuming again especially since he is my first love and the first man i gave myself to.....what do i do?? my best friend advice me to leave him for good
Hello Angela, Jealous is destructive to a relationship. Perhaps you need to talk to your partner once more and share out your concerns and fears and both of you find ways to work out it. You mentioned that he was cheating on you but when you asked he said no, were you bale to solve this issue? Remember a healthy relationship is built on open communication, honesty, trust and mutual respect.
My bf,doesn't cal or txt me everyday wen I ask him abt it, he always say that he has no interest with phn bt sometym he is online bt can't text,he tells mi that he is serous with mi n ask if we can inform parents obt our rlationship. I don understandwat
Communication is an essential part of any relationship. You need to let your partner know how this is affecting you and the relationship. If you are uncomfortable with moving the relationship forward let him know so you can both agree on how to proceed.
My boyfriend is cheating on me so much receiving calls for another ladies coming bk wen the t shit having lipstick n makeup. .. am so confuse I don't know want to to n is not only once
Hi Liz, So sorry about this. You have a decision to make, if he is cheating on you repeatedly and he is unapologetic and unwilling to change and commit to the relationship it maybe time for you to break up and move on. Take time and think about what you want and then make an informed decision. Check out this article;-
Simon mulandi
Sat, 11/04/2017 - 18:04
My ex galfrd had to organize a group to beat me when I refused to agree to marry her as a second wife.we have a son together and she really loves me.anytime I ask to sleep with her she can't parents can't accept her to be married by me.I don't want a second wife
Hi Simon, it is important to match your actions with your words. If you do not want a second wife, you need to make it clear to her and also try not to sleep with her. As long as you are having sex it won't be possible for you to move on. Talk about how you plan to participate in raising the child you have together. Remember, by keeping up with this relationship you are cheating on your wife. Lastly, do you really want to be with a person who got you beat up for not choosing them?
I love a man that we have meet just 4 wks ago I love him and he said that he love me 2 bt I don't know if his serious about that and it as reach a point I even slept with him....I only need your advise to let me know how to know if am a man love you to are the action or sign that will let you know that
Hi Evalyn, You may want to start by asking him how he feels toward you. Also when you spend time together does he talk about a future that includes you, is he free when around and does he talk about his deep feelings... All these can be pointers of how he feels toward you but for clarity talk to him and find out exactly how he feels toward you.
I have a problem of poor communication with my girlfriend when we break for holiday from compus she stay without chatting with when I text her she does not reply even call when she feels like replying she tells me she is always busy with house chores through out the day she does not understand how I feel without communicating with her
Hi Steve, Communication is an essential part of any relationship. Your partner needs to know this and what the lack of communication does to you and to your relationship. You can also agree on what time you can talk, a time when she is not occupied with those chores. Check out this article;-
Hae am clare
Thu, 01/11/2018 - 20:47
I don't know what to do he is drifting apart he has no time for me sometimes he takes long to reply my text all the love we shared and good moments are no more need advice how to bring back that joy and love we had when we started our love
Hi Clare, Have you tried to talk about this with him? It maybe helpful to talk about what is going on so together you can agree on how to make things better between you too. Have a look at this article;-
I have been in a relationship with my partner for the last 3 years and 6 months ago we decided to mobe in together. At first all was well and we were both happy but now we can go for days without talking to each other. We seem to be disagreeing all the time about things I don't even know. I still love and I think he still loves me what can we do to get back to where our relationship was?

Hi Debbie, your relationship is experiencing problems like all relationships do at some point. What makes the difference is how partners choose to resolve the issues. Arguments are normal in a relationship, but when they are too frequent they may indicate a deep seated dissatisfaction in the relationship and it is important to stop and address this dissatisfaction or where the arguments are coming from. Do find a good time to talk to your partner, together you can talk and find out where the fights are coming from so that you can address the issues. Communication that is open and honest is key for any relationship, it will help ensure that you address issues in good time before you both start hurting or hurting each other. Check out the following articles for more information;-

Fri, 06/08/2018 - 16:29
I broke up my ex months ago but we are still in the same social circles and I think he has started seeing someone else. I get so angry when I see them together. He is the one who cheated. What should do to avoid this feeling?
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