Syncing for sex: do’s and don’ts
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Syncing for sex: do’s and don’ts

By Steph Haase Friday, February 20, 2015 - 13:01
What happens if your partner wants more or less sex than you? It can be awkward, or even hurtful, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker – if you work on it together.
Do...
...talk about it

Sex is more than just the physical act. It makes us feel loved, and wanted, and attractive. And if your partner doesn't give you what you need, or asks for too much, it can be very upsetting. Try to keep a cool head and don't nag or pressure – that will just make things worse.

It might sound like an exaggeration, but differences in sexual desire can cause feelings of hatred, loneliness and despair. Sex can be an important aspect of a relationship, and many expectations are connected to it. And that's why it's important to talk to your partner about it, if things go wrong. What does sex mean to you, and what do you need? Listen to what your partner has to say, as well.

… deal with your frustrations

If you have tried a lot of things, from initiating, to sexy underwear and flirting and all the seduction hasn't worked, you could be left with a lot of frustration bottled up in you. Don't make it worse by constantly focusing on the issue. Try and do what psychologists call ‘sublimation’ – which simply means putting your energy into something else.

Exercise. Start a new hobby or join a club. Give yourself something else to focus on, so you don’t become frustrated with your partner and grow resentful. It's definitely worth a try!

You should ensure that your partner doesn't feel excluded though. Make an effort to spend time with your partner, and even get him or her involved in your new activities.

… take a look at your relationship, your behavior, and your health


It could be that changes in your relationship, or the way you treat and talk to each other, have an impact on your sex drives. Talk about what's going well, and what could need improvement, and your needs. This doesn't have to be about sex. Maybe your partner needs to spend more quality time with you, or generally feel like there is more to the relationship than sex.

Behavior can also influence sex drive. If your partner only touches you when he or she wants sex, it can be a turn-off. Try to find new ways of working things out together. Do your best to listen. What might sound like excuses to put off sex could actually be important factors for your partner to feel relaxed and get in the mood.

Also, don't forget to mention your low or high sex drive to your doctor. Particularly low sex drive, or other issues like erectile dysfunction problems, could be a sign that there are underlying health problems.

Don't...
… take it personally

Whether you are the partner with the high or low sex drive, it's important to remind yourself that differences in sexual desire are very common. And while it can make you feel lonely and be very hurtful to feel rejected by your partner, or make him or her feel that way, it's important to remember that this isn't your fault. It's not due to the way you look or that your partner isn't in love with you or attracted to you anymore.

… let your sex drive take over your relationship

If the sex drive issue isn't just a temporary one, it can easily become a relationship's central hotspot. And not in a sexy way. But that can end up creating a vicious circle, making things even worse.

So try this: instead of the constant pursuing-rejecting scenario, back off for a while. Don't make a big deal out of it, and certainly don't threaten your partner. Just give him or her time. Be attentive and loving, just don't try to follow through to make love. This might be really difficult, but it shows your partner that they are appreciated for more than sex. And who knows, maybe you backing off gives them much needed breathing space. And less pressure could result in your partner – you might have guessed it already – wanting to have sex again.

… deny yourself pleasure

If you are the one with the high sex drive, you shouldn't deny yourself pleasure. You can masturbate – that will help with the most pressing sexual needs. Don't be resentful about it. It's okay to admit that you have sexual desires that need to be addressed. It won't change that fact that you want more sex than your partner, but it will take the edge off.

On the other hand, just because your partner doesn't want sex it shouldn't mean that there is no physical intimacy between the two of you. Keep cuddling, kissing, and telling your partner that you find him or her attractive. But again, try not to pressure your partner, or the vicious circle will start all over again.

 

Have you experienced differences in sex drives in your relationship? How did you cope? Leave us a comment or join our Facebook discussion.

Comments
Is there any cure for premature ejeculation?? coz i fill it's damaging my relationship in my marrage please.
Dear Franka, It sounds like you are coming earlier than you would like, this often happens to young men who don't have a lot of sexual experience because they get very aroused very easily. With more sexually experienced men, it might be due to psychological problems, like fear, stress or depression. Generally though go slow, enjoy the buildup of touching and caressing each other. Make time for oral sex during your physical interactions. Take time focusing on your partner as well as yourself. Communicate together about what feels nice, what doesn't and what you would like to try together. Experiment, explore and try new things! Make sure to use lots of lube and switch up the fun. Even if you do orgasm you can take some time to have oral sex with your partner until your body is ready to go again. Change positions and mix it up. Some people say condoms help them last longer, while others may use cock rings (just make sure it is the right size and not too tight!). Generally just remember that sex is more than just penetration and there are lots of ways to enjoy each other. If you are finding that you really cannot maintain an erection then it might be time to see a doctor. There are some medical conditions that can affect your performance but would need to be looked by a professional. You can also keep masturbating, however challenge yourself to last longer. Go slow, feel the way your body changes when you are getting closer to climax. Tease yourself, find tricks that help you delay the finish.
Hi Franka, anything between 5 minutes and half an hour, but longer is also fine. Women often don't ejaculate, they just orgasm. You can watch and listen to her, and her vaginal walls will usually contract. And, of course you can ask her!
He denied me sex in the morning While I was high for him We talked about it the night before And he agreed to do it for him I was surprised the next morning When he said he can't do five rounds This is a guy I don't see in 6months He took me to his home to sleep as if I can't sleep at my my parents home I guess he's has lost interest. I dumped him. Because he likes anal sex Which I don't He forces me to do it Even when I'm in pain He doesnt care about me Evennwhen I cried He couldn't mind Some men can be gross I mean the pussy is self contained. I got a mother guy And he keeps me busy the whole night(I like it by the way) I guess him and me have the same sex drive I'm glad I found him.
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