Two bananas in bed, one happy, one annoyed

Desire differences: what to do

Is there anything as heady as a new and perfect relationship? You're in love – or at least, deep like – and everything seems like it was sent from above.

You're still looking deeply into each other's eyes and sending each other messages every hour. Or even more often.

Infatuation 101

So three months in, it seems about time that something starts to go left. Sure, it's still more or less new. You've gone through the 'showing your partner off to your friends'-phase, which was fun.

In fact, it's still so fresh that not even all your friends have met him, regardless of you being joined at the hip and going everywhere together. But no matter, you're going on holiday soon, and the others will get to meet him there. Classic relationship stuff. Infatuation 101.

Now you are trying to see if you love this person, even if you're pretty sure that you probably already do. They tick so many boxes! They like adventure, and good music, and nice wine, like you. There's only one thing that seems to be different, and you're worrying that it'll be a problem later on, because...well...everyone says it will be. What is this thing?

The missing factor


Sex is shown to us as something that is the basic and fundamental cornerstone of a happy relationship – and of course, this isn't just sex in itself but the language of touch. Physical contact and intimacy can be as small but important as holding hands when you cross the road, to the act of sex itself, and even post-afterglow.

When there is an imbalance in physical expression, it can create a few problems, especially if your partner is at a different level from you. You know how it feels when your partner never wants PDA in public? Now imagine that on a larger and even more intense scale.

Imagine: your partner always wants to have more sex than you do. You're okay with cuddles and hand holding but there's been a couple of times when you turn them down and feel like the devil incarnate. What does this mean?

Libido contrasts

Simply put, there is a bit of a contrast in terms of libido. Or in other words, biologically speaking, some people want to be or are more sexual, more frequently, than others. For some people, sex twice a week is okay – for others, twice a month.

Now that we know that this is actually a thing, otherwise known as desire discrepancy, then we can figure out how to deal with it.

Are you not getting enough foreplay? Perhaps you can ask your partner to do a little more to get you in the mood.

Sex, after all, begins in the mind, and if your mind isn't fully preset and aroused, it can be a little hard to get there.

Is the technique itself the problem? Sometimes partners have difficulty expressing what they want and don't want in bed. If sex means he's going to try that position you don't like, or a position that hurts, it is definitely time to say, 'Listen, I love our physical time together, but when you do that, it hurts. I'd like to try this instead.' If your partner truly cares for you, they will listen.


Be willing to compromise. If you want sex once a week and your partner wants sex every day, meet halfway and see if the enthusiasm to commit to a schedule makes it easier. I know, not the most romantic way forward, but it is a way forward – particularly if a couple both have busy lives. They can have something to look forward to as they put aside the stresses of their week.

If none of these is not helping, you can go medical to assess whether it is your hormones that are imbalanced. Hormonal imbalances can be caused by medication, pregnancy, and menstruation, among other factors. Try and keep track of when during your cycle you don't feel particularly sexy or want to have sex. For men, take a look at your diet and regimen. These could all play a role. Hopefully, these tips make it easier to take care of.

Do you have any questions about your sex life? Head to our discussion board and ask our moderators!


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