Two people, one turned away, one with his head hanging low
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Dealing with your ex

Are you going to be friends after you broke up? That can be difficult.

Being friends with your ex

There are many reasons why you’d choose not to be friends with your ex, for example:

  • You were in an abusive relationship and you want to cut all contact with your ex. You’re worried that you might fall into another cycle of abuse if they find you.
  • Your partner did something unforgivable. They might have lied to you about something very important, cheated on you, or breached your trust in a way that can't be healed.
  • You're still grieving for your relationship. You need some time, and can't be friends with your ex until you’ve got rid of all your bad memories.
  • You're afraid that you’ll rebound. You think that being friends might just lead to both of you getting back together. And you know that’s unhealthy for you.
  • You still have very strong feelings for your ex. You can’t contain them and being friends with your ex will just make you more miserable.

          You can read more about the do's and don'ts of being friends with an ex here.

If you do decide to be friends with your ex, here are a few tips:

  • Give yourself time after the break up. Don’t rush into being friends with your ex. There might be negative feelings left over from your relationship which won’t be a good foundation for friendship. Only start seeing each other as friends if you’re sure there are no bad feelings left.
  • Don’t be pushy. If your ex is clear about not wanting a friendship, respect their space.
  • Know your motives. Why do you want to be friends with this person? Is it because you’re trying to woo them back into your life as a partner, or because you genuinely treasure them as a friend?
  • Take one step at a time. Fitting into your ex’s life as a friend after being in an intimate relationship is challenging. So start off gently. Start by calling each other on birthdays, sending emails, text messages etc. Call off meeting each other until you think the awkward phase has passed.
  • Don’t discuss sexual or romantic topics in the beginning. If you’re dating someone or have a crush, don’t discuss it with your ex. You can be honest with them about your love life, but spare them the details.
  • Share your new relationship status with a good friend. It’s always good to let a trusted friend in on how you’re dealing with a new friendship.
  • Avoid flirting or a physical relationship with your ex. This can be dangerous – before you know it, you might end up in a situation which leaves you both confused and unhappy. Remind yourself of all the reasons that led to the break up.
Comments
Hi Joyce, There are two sides to this 1) What do they talk about and 2) Are you OK with him still keeping in contact with his ex? If you are not comfortable with this, then you need to talk to him about it and let him what and why it concerns you. Remember if a relationship with an ex is not well managed it can slip back to an intimate relationship.
Hi Beatrice, It is possible to feel this toward your ex for various reasons. You have to however to think about whether you want to get back, sometimes it may just feelings of loneliness which you will overcome with time. Remember why you broke up in the first place, that may not have changed. Fill up your time with other fun activities or your hobbies so you can move on form the past. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up
hi, how do you handle and x who is always in your back to bien close to you and ever causing issues in your life? even bugging your own house to spy on you?
My boyfriend keep on communicating with his ex.they discuss how they met and their likes and dislikes.he keeps on calling her and every time I ask him about it we end up disagreements.what should I do?????
Jane, you boyfriend has not moved on from his relationship with his ex. If he is unwilling to drop the relationship for the sake of the one you have with him you may need to think about whether this is the kind of relationship you want to have. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up
Hi,my exe can't let me be.I've tried all methods of breaking up but he can't mark you he cheats on me,he is a lie,flirting with every woman onintrenet.I really hat him.I even went as far as blocking him everywhere, his numbers,Fb,whatsup.etc but he stii gets a new lone just to contact me.Advice me please, how do I deal with such.I really hate him.
I broke up with my ex the years ear 2014, have been afraid to be in other relationship ever since. It's my desire to have my family, but the issue of getting into a relationship is mountain to me. Pls advice.
Hi Grace, Moving on from a break up can be tough depending on the reasons of the the break up. It takes to get over a break up and even heal, give yourself time to heal before getting into a new relationship. Eventually you will get over the past and be ready to love again. We wish you well. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Hey Khan, We are so sorry about this. If she has already moved on, perhaps you also should try to. It may take sometime but eventually you will get over this and move on. Have a look at this article for tips on coping with a break up;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Having being in a relationship for three years my beloved told me one day that she has decided to love another guy...I for frustrated and found myself texting abusive words now I want her back but she doesn't reply my messages please help
Hello Enock, We are so sorry about this. It appears your partner moved on and it is clear this hurt you. Now that she moved on, you also need to, considering you can't make her get back with you. We wish you well, have a look at this article for more tips on coping with a breakup;-https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up
I brokrd wit ma ex but he still beg mi to be back what can I do I still love him but he decided to be in love wit another gal now he is saying he realized his mistakes
Is one year now since we called it to an end bt she keeps on insulting me thr.. calls, texts and in social media to an extend that its affecting my new relationship
Thanks for your good advice. Can I start dating again? I separated with my wife of five years and we had two kids. That was last year. I've tried all my best to get her back but in vain. My in-laws dictate their daughter and she can't listen to me. Whenever I get attracted to a lady, I fear disappointment and pull out. What do I do?

Hello Niclas, Sorry about your marriage. You seem to have done your best to get her back and if it's not working it is time to move on. You also have not moved on from the hurt and this may take sometime. This is why you still have trust issues with getting into a new relationship. Take time to heal from the break up and when you are ready and willing to trust another person get into a new relationship.  We wish you well. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Hello. Can you help me! I am in contact with a girl since six months... we we started just as a Friend. During this I started to love her..but she replied me taht she is in love with someone and I should look for someone else...iam so sad.how can I deal with this situation. It is hearting me

Hi Ali, this was a likely outcome, sometimes a person won't feel the same way as you and all you can do when this happens is to move on even though this is tough. Give yourself time, it takes time get over a heart break but eventually you will get over this and even be ready to get into a new relationship. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Hi Love matters, We broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago because of cheating of which he confessed. I decided to break because it was not the first time, now he is back saying he has changed and begging me to go back to him. Is it possible for some to change if they have a habit of cheating? Please tell me what to do.

Hi Favor, it is possible for a person to change and make a complete turn around and commit to a relationship. However, there is no way to tell whether your ex has changed and whether he plans to stick to this change in days to come if you get back together. The important question therefore, is what do you want? Do you think you can trust him again after he has repeatedly cheated on you? If not, then you need to make this clear to him, that you don't intent to get back together with him. Should you choose to go back, start by addressing the issues that led to the break up and express your expectations at the very begin. Take time and think about what you want and then make an informed decision. Check out the following articles;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/cheating-top-five-facts

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/dealing-with-your-ex

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