A broken pink paper heart hanging on a clothesline

Why I’m so scared of relationships!

Are you so busy protecting your broken heart, that you forget to fall in love again?

Relationships can be so great but also very daunting. It is an amazing thing to find someone you love and want to spend all your life with. However, the thought of one person knowing every single thing about you… scary.

I am a closeted hopeless romantic. I love everything about love and everything to do with companionship and intimacy, but – I am very scared of putting myself anywhere close to a relationship.

Why is this you may ask? Well, let’s just say I have had my fair share of bad relationship experiences, and I am now too scarred to risk my heart again. I was always the friend in a relationship since the tender age of nineteen. It was a rare sighting to find me single or unattached to anyone. I was young and naïve and believed that all these people loved me… maybe at one point they did but things change a lot when you decide to be exclusive with someone.

I have been single now for seven years and counting, I barely even go out on dates. Friends and family have tried to introduce me to some ‘suitable potential partners’ here and there but I always politely decline to connect with them. I have a fear of getting a broken heart. Having suffered several heartbreaks in my life, that pain is something I would rather not go through again. Heartbreaks are gut-wrenching, for lack of a better word. They really shock your world – sometimes for a few months, other times for years.

Related: Why Can’t I Get A Man?

Fear of failure is another reason I steer away from getting to know someone romantically. The previous relationships did not end very well and for a long time, I blamed myself. I felt responsible for keeping the union together but when I couldn’t, time after time, it showed a clear pattern of failure that I’m scared could occur again.

Trust is very important in relationships. It is one of the main pillars that keep two people together. I stopped trusting in people as much as I used to after previous partners betrayed my trust repeatedly. Without trust, a relationship cannot work and I do not know when I’ll be able to trust someone that deeply again.

One last double reason as to why I am scared of relationships: self-esteem and vulnerability. My self-esteem is not the best and this is not just because of my previous relationships, but also a result of my own doing. I fall deeply in love with the person I am with but I never feel like I deserve that same love. It is something I have been battling with for most of my adult life and I am doing what I can to work on unlearning this. Lacking self-esteem in turn affects how vulnerable I am in a relationship. Vulnerability scares me. Previous partners have used my vulnerability against me so it made me hold back on what I share. But when you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone you love, you put up a barrier that will inevitably affect the relationship.

All this is emotional baggage that I carry into any relationship and most people are not able to deal with that. I am scared of relationships because I am scared I will involuntarily ruin them due to my own fears, worries and inhibitions.  I don’t know when I will be able to let myself love again and love fully but I am working on myself now to be ready for that day, whenever it will be.

In case you need to talk to a professional call: 

Amani Counselling Center: 0722 626 590/0733 263 870


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Recent Comments (6)

  1. Someone broke up with me…
    Someone broke up with me while I was still in love with me, they woke up one day and told me is over, I almost fell in depression but I was able to recover through therapy so I agree it not easy for me to fall in love again, it will take time, that was my first heart break and first love

    1. Hello Serah, thank you so…

      Hello Serah, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Whereas we are very sorry that you went through such a hard time we are thankful to hear that you have found a way to move on.

  2. Thanks for your story have…
    Thanks for your story have gone through marriage break up it’s not easy like for me I can’t love again I mean I think love is not a real thing

  3. Hi Sarah, thank you for…

    Hi Sarah, thank you for reaching out to us and having the courage to tell us about your past. We are sorry you went through a hard time but do not despair. Healing after a broken relationship can be difficult. If you were in a long term relationship and living with your partner as is such in any marriage, it could mean a change in your lifestyle. Click here to find out more about how to overcome a break-up and we hope the information helps: https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

    Please let us know how it goes and have a wonderful week ahead! We are here for you and stay safe!

  4. Its more painful when you…
    Its more painful when you trust someone until you become pregnant an d they tell you to abort, this one I almost died…..the other rship I was in I met him in our bed with some girl n he had the guts to kneel down n start telling me how the devil decided to gossip with him n influenced him….am still healing anyway hoping one day I will love again

    1. Hi Shirleen thank you so…

      Hi Shirleen thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We are so sorry to hear that you have been through such a rough time. We are however, quite glad to hear that you are doing better and are optimistic for the future.

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