Lovers on the couch
Shutterstock / Ollyy

A simple tip for better relationship sex

Want to have better sex with your partner? A simple change in focus could be all it takes to give your sex life a boost, according to a recent study.

Think back to the last time you and your partner had sex. What was the reason the two of you got it on? Chances are good you’ve never given this question much thought. After all, sex feels good – and is good for you – so it seems like a no-brainer.

It turns out this is a useful question to ask yourself. That’s because when it comes to how good sex is, and the benefits it has on your relationship, not all reasons are created equal, research has shown.

When people have positive reasons for getting it on with their partner, they feel more desire for him or her and are just plain happier with their sex lives and relationships.

Good reasons for sex

What are positive reasons for having sex, you ask? Well, they include the obvious – things like:

  • feeling just plain aroused or horny
  • desiring the physical pleasure of an orgasm
  • wanting to feel intimate with your sweetheart, show affection, express your love
  • wanting to make your partner feel good

Basically, it’s having sex for the positive things that will come out of it.

Bad reasons for sex

Next question: what are negative reasons for having sex? Well, when you’re getting it on to prevent something unpleasant from happening – things like:

  • not wanting to disappoint your partner
  • avoiding a fight

Naturally, these reasons are not as good for a relationship as positive ones.

So what happens if the last time you had sex it was to avoid something bad happening? It turns out this is something you can work on and change, the study found.

Positive reason, better sex?

In the study, the researchers had 155 participants in relationships describe a time they had sex with their partner. They wrote down why they did it and how they felt. Some were told to choose sex they had for a positive reason, like feeling horny, sexy, loving. Meanwhile, others were asked to describe a time they had sex to avoid bad consequences. Then afterwards, everybody filled in questionnaires about their sex lives and relationships.

People asked to describe having sex for positive reasons actually felt more desire for their partners, the research confirmed. They also had better sex and were happier in their relationships.

Boost your sex life!

But it’s one thing to think about sex you’ve had in the past and another to change the way you’re doing it in the future – for the better. Next, the researchers wanted to see if their work could lead to real-life changes.

So they got hold of another 240 participants to try it out. They got half of the group to read all about the benefits of having sex for positive reasons. The following week they were told to go forth and put their newfound knowledge to the test by focusing on the positive in their sex lives.

Those who did were rewarded for their efforts. When the researchers checked in on them a week later, they had been able to change the way they were having sex and felt happier about their relationships as a result. That, and they were having better sex.

So what’s the take-home message from this research? Try to make it a point to focus on the positive reasons for getting it on with your partner. You might just find that the two of you have better sex as a result.

Worried you’re having sex for the wrong reasons? Share on our Let’s Talk forum, leave a comment below.


did you find this useful?

Tell us what you think

Recent Comments (16)

  1. i believe that having sex is
    i believe that having sex is an act needed for the two to keep their relationship going on.

    1. Thanks for your input Peruth.
      Thanks for your input Peruth.

  2. Sex is good and it should be
    Sex is good and it should be done for good reasons only.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  3. I believe sex is good and
    I believe sex is good and meant for lovers with real love only

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Desire.

  4. I have not had sex with my
    I have not had sex with my husband for a year now. He is in love with another girl but when I talk about it he denies and he thinks that I dont know anything. But I want to have sex. He said he does not have any feelings for me. What can I do,please help?

    1. Hi Amie,

      Hi Amie,

      Sorry to have to tell you this but the problem in your relationship is more than just lack of sex.

      For your partner to inform you that they are not attracted to you anymore goes to show of a deep rooted issue in your relationship.

      If you are to solve the sex issue you will have to start by solving the bigger issue in your relationship.

      You can start by trying to find out where the problem is and how it begun. If you feel the issue is beyond the two of you, you can always seek outside help either from a professional counselor or a trusted senior family member or friend.

  5. My husband knows nothing
    My husband knows nothing about romance,when he feels that he wants to have sex he touch touchs me for like 40seconds then he jumps on me to hv sex.when i try to romance him properly he tellz me to stop.What can i do to hv good sex with my husband?.

  6. My partner don’t want me to
    My partner don’t want me to have sex with her cos she doesn’t like it, how can I get her confused…. I love her so much but she hate it anytime we talk about sex

    1. Hi,


      It seems as though you have not discussed about your expectations of each other. Every one has different expectations in a relationship and it important to talk about it.

      Sex is an important part of the relationship and talking about it is equally important.

      Check out this article to learn more .

  7. I have seen the article, my…
    I have seen the article, my problem is my partner had never felt the pleasure to have much as I tried to be romantic, she is always bored…until I lost feelings for her…just feeling of quitting her

    1. Hello Charles, Have you…

      Hello Charles, Have you talked about this with her? Sex is better when partners talk about it, especially because what you think she likes or wants may not really be what she likes or wants. Find a good time and talk with her, get to know what she likes as you also share what it is you like and want during sex. Check out this article;-

LoveMatters Africa

Blush-free facts and stories about love, sex, and relationships