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Talking about sex: do’s and don'ts

By Gayatri Parameswaran Friday, August 2, 2013 - 10:53
Talking about sex can be embarrassing and intimidating. But it can also be fun, sexy, and can help make your sex life more comfy. Not sure when to talk or what to say? Don't worry – we've put together a list to make it easier.
Do
Talk in advance 

Don't wait until you are already in bed and half-naked to start talking about sex. If you feel that your relationship is heading towards sex, talk about it in advance. Break the ice by saying, 'I think we'd be great in bed together,' or 'We'll have a great sexual chemistry.' That helps release the tension. That way you also let your partner know what's on your mind. And if they don't respond well, you know that they aren't comfortable with the idea of having sex with you – at least not yet. 

Make it safe

Once you've brought up sex in your conversations and your partner seems keen about it too, try and decide together about how you can both have safe sex. Talk about condoms and other kinds of contraceptives to avoid pregnancy and unwanted risk of sexually transmitted diseases. This will help you have a stress-free sex life.

Feel comfortable to say 'no'

If you feel like you're not ready to have sex or that you're just not in the mood, you should make it clear to your partner. You can be brave and honest about it. Whatever the reason, don't be shy about expressing yourself. You can always find a mild way to put things in words. If they really love you, they will be willing to wait for you until you feel ready. 

Don't
Pick the wrong moment

Don't complain about your bad sex life when you've just had a fight over your poor finances or paying the bills. That's definitely not the right moment. Pick a time that's neutral – when there's no simmering tension between the two of you. And then start the conversation gently. This way you avoid carrying forward negative emotions from your previous tiff. 

Be brutally blunt

There are times when your sex life isn't as satisfactory as you'd like it to be. While being honest and clear about your thoughts is important, it doesn't necessarily imply that you need to be blunt or rude. Sex is a very emotive subject and it's generally not a good idea to place blame for your troubled sex life on one another. Be careful not to hurt your partners' feelings while conveying the message. It's essential to communicate your feelings without jeopardising theirs.

Take a 'no' as a 'yes' 

There could be times when you think that when your partner says 'no,' they mean 'yes.' That's a misconception. When someone says 'no,' it's best to respect their choice and give them the space and time they require. It'd just be a pity if you coaxed them into something they regret later. If you're in doubt about what your partner means when they say 'maybe', you can ask them caringly about what their limits are and be careful not to tread them. 

 

Do you have any other tips when it comes to talking about sex with your partner. We'd leave love to hear them. Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.

Comments
Hi there, thanks for your question. Women need more time to get ready for sex. So make sure there is lots of foreplay going on before the actual intercourse. Also, many women find it hard to have an orgasm through intercourse alone, so it's a good idea to pay her clitoris some attention, for example by using your finger. Watch your partner's body language and listen to her. If she looks bored, she probably is. And the easiest way to find out what she enjoys (because every woman is different!): ask her! You can read more about how to have sex with a woman in our resource section!
Hi Denis, I am pretty sue that your wife doesn't have a sexual problem. Girls and women are often told that they shouldn't initiate sex. Worse, sometimes they are told that sex is for pleasuring their husbands only. So what I suggest is you talk to her. First of all, ask her if she enjoys sex, and if she has orgasms. For many women, it's difficult to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. Check out our 'making love' section if you want to learn more about women's arousal and orgasm. And then tell her how it makes you feel that she doesn't ask for sex. Be nice and gentle, this is nobody's fault. Lastly, it's possible that your wife just has low libido. Or she is stressed or worried or tired. Talking is the only way to find out. Good luck.
Hi Steve, that's a good sign! Be happy that the ladies want to talk to you- it means they trust and like you. As for the sex, why don't you choose one you like and tell her so? Take her out for a drink, and try to find out if she would like to date you. If not, move on. If she does, great, congratulations. And then, if she is ready, sex will come. Good luck.
Hi Amosh It sounds like you are coming earlier than you would like, this often happens to young men who don't have a lot of sexual experience because they get very aroused very easily. With more sexually experienced men, it might be due to psychological problems, like fear, stress or depression. Generally though go slow, enjoy the buildup of touching and caressing each other. Make time for oral sex during your physical interactions. Take time focusing on your partner as well as yourself. Communicate together about what feels nice, what doesn't and what you would like to try together. Experiment, explore and try new things! Make sure to use lots of lube and switch up the fun. Even if you do orgasm you can take some time to have oral sex with your partner until your body is ready to go again. Change positions and mix it up. Generally just remember that sex is more than just penetration and there are lots of ways to enjoy each other.
My girlfriend takes time to get wet..and when she does its not for long so i stop and i dont get satisfied because i dont ejaculate...what could be the problem?
Hi Martin, It can take women quite some time to get properly aroused. Have you asked her if she is really turned on? Or if she has any pain or discomfort? Why don't you try to have sex with some extra lubrication- you can get lube at most supermarkets. Let us know if that works!
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