Talking about sex: do’s and don’ts
Talking about sex can be embarrassing and intimidating. But it can also be fun, sexy, and can help make your sex life more comfy. Not sure when to talk or what to say? Don’t worry – we’ve put together a list to make it easier.
Talk in advance
Don’t wait until you are already in bed and half-naked to start talking about sex. If you feel that your relationship is heading towards sex, talk about it in advance. Break the ice by saying, ‘I think we’d be great in bed together,’ or ‘We’ll have a great sexual chemistry.’ That helps release the tension. That way you also let your partner know what’s on your mind. And if they don’t respond well, you know that they aren’t comfortable with the idea of having sex with you – at least not yet.
Make it safe
Once you’ve brought up sex in your conversations and your partner seems keen about it too, try and decide together about how you can both have safe sex. Talk about condoms and other kinds of contraceptives to avoid pregnancy and unwanted risk of sexually transmitted diseases. This will help you have a stress-free sex life.
Feel comfortable to say ‘no’
If you feel like you’re not ready to have sex or that you’re just not in the mood, you should make it clear to your partner. You can be brave and honest about it. Whatever the reason, don’t be shy about expressing yourself. You can always find a mild way to put things in words. If they really love you, they will be willing to wait for you until you feel ready.
Pick the wrong moment
Don’t complain about your bad sex life when you’ve just had a fight over your poor finances or paying the bills. That’s definitely not the right moment. Pick a time that’s neutral – when there’s no simmering tension between the two of you. And then start the conversation gently. This way you avoid carrying forward negative emotions from your previous tiff.
Be brutally blunt
There are times when your sex life isn’t as satisfactory as you’d like it to be. While being honest and clear about your thoughts is important, it doesn’t necessarily imply that you need to be blunt or rude. Sex is a very emotive subject and it’s generally not a good idea to place blame for your troubled sex life on one another. Be careful not to hurt your partners’ feelings while conveying the message. It’s essential to communicate your feelings without jeopardising theirs.
Take a ‘no’ as a ‘yes’
There could be times when you think that when your partner says ‘no,’ they mean ‘yes.’ That’s a misconception. When someone says ‘no,’ it’s best to respect their choice and give them the space and time they require. It’d just be a pity if you coaxed them into something they regret later. If you’re in doubt about what your partner means when they say ‘maybe’, you can ask them caringly about what their limits are and be careful not to tread them.
Do you have any other tips when it comes to talking about sex with your partner. We’d leave love to hear them. Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.
Tell us what you think
Recent Comments (98)
How can a man ensure that his
How can a man ensure that his partner get satified frm doing sex
Hi there,
Hi there,
thanks for your question.
Women need more time to get ready for sex. So make sure there is lots of foreplay going on before the actual intercourse.
Also, many women find it hard to have an orgasm through intercourse alone, so it’s a good idea to pay her clitoris some attention, for example by using your finger.
Watch your partner’s body language and listen to her. If she looks bored, she probably is.
And the easiest way to find out what she enjoys (because every woman is different!): ask her!
You can read more about how to have sex with a woman in our resource section!
My wife has never insisted
My wife has never insisted for sex. She can go for a month without unless I request.
Does she have a sexual problem?
Hi Denis,
Hi Denis,
I am pretty sue that your wife doesn’t have a sexual problem.
Girls and women are often told that they shouldn’t initiate sex. Worse, sometimes they are told that sex is for pleasuring their husbands only.
So what I suggest is you talk to her. First of all, ask her if she enjoys sex, and if she has orgasms. For many women, it’s difficult to have an orgasm through intercourse alone. Check out our ‘making love’ section if you want to learn more about women’s arousal and orgasm. And then tell her how it makes you feel that she doesn’t ask for sex. Be nice and gentle, this is nobody’s fault.
Lastly, it’s possible that your wife just has low libido. Or she is stressed or worried or tired. Talking is the only way to find out. Good luck.
why many ladies want me to
why many ladies want me to spend most of my time talking with them and yet i have never have sex with them?
Hi Steve,
Hi Steve,
that’s a good sign! Be happy that the ladies want to talk to you- it means they trust and like you.
As for the sex, why don’t you choose one you like and tell her so? Take her out for a drink, and try to find out if she would like to date you. If not, move on. If she does, great, congratulations. And then, if she is ready, sex will come. Good luck.
is it aproblem when a man
is it aproblem when a man ejaculate even before having sex?
Hi Amosh
Hi Amosh
It sounds like you are coming earlier than you would like, this often happens to young men who don’t have a lot of sexual experience because they get very aroused very easily. With more sexually experienced men, it might be due to psychological problems, like fear, stress or depression.
Generally though go slow, enjoy the buildup of touching and caressing each other. Make time for oral sex during your physical interactions. Take time focusing on your partner as well as yourself. Communicate together about what feels nice, what doesn’t and what you would like to try together. Experiment, explore and try new things!
Make sure to use lots of lube and switch up the fun. Even if you do orgasm you can take some time to have oral sex with your partner until your body is ready to go again. Change positions and mix it up.
Generally just remember that sex is more than just penetration and there are lots of ways to enjoy each other.
My girlfriend takes time to
My girlfriend takes time to get wet..and when she does its not for long so i stop and i dont get satisfied because i dont ejaculate…what could be the problem?
Hi Martin,
Hi Martin,
It can take women quite some time to get properly aroused. Have you asked her if she is really turned on? Or if she has any pain or discomfort?
Why don’t you try to have sex with some extra lubrication- you can get lube at most supermarkets.
Let us know if that works!
My wife always complain that
My wife always complain that she has no feelings 4me when i want 2have sex even if after staying 4two wks,sometime she complain about pains in waist,belly after doing some work and yet those complains,she used 2raise after intercourse wth her.I need ‘ur help,could she be having it with another person?
Hi Christucker,
Hi Christucker,
We don’t know if she has anybody else she is sleeping with. She is e only one who can tell you that.
Other than that, there is a whole lot of information in your question. I suggest you talk to your wide about what’s going on. Ask her if she enjoys sex, and ask her what she needs to enjoy it more. Is she having orgasms? If not, I suggest you check our Making Love section.
And about her pains, I suggest she see a doctor.
We hope this helps!
I got married 9 months ago
I got married 9 months ago with my beloved Mary who is a mother to 9 months old baby boy (Not my son). One month after marriage I could not sutisfy her sexual need since i could not errect (kukosa nguvu ya kiume) easily. I may errect to the maximum but to insert my penis used to be a problem. One day she told me that she is very tired of me hence she want to leave. I beged her but she sneacked . Now 3 months have gone she has been away. On my side i do feel that am well but the problem is that my wife is gone, I cant have sex with her and how to convince her back. Please help me.
Pole Julius.
Pole Julius.
Have you talked to her at all in those three months since she has gone?
I have a lady whom we’ve
I have a lady whom we’ve dated 4 2rs, the problem is i hv proposed marriage 4 tyms bt al in vain. Am a sex toy 2 her ??
Hi Paul,
Hi Paul,
We don’t know. Have you talked to her about this? Have you asked her why she is saying no? Have you asked her what she needs in order to say yes?
Communication is the key to a good relationship. So I suggest you start talking.
I have a lady whom we’ve
I have a lady whom we’ve dated 4 2rs, the problem is i hv proposed marriage 4 tyms bt al in vain. Am a sex toy 2 her ??
I wonder why my girl lover is
I wonder why my girl lover is always shy wen we are for sexual intercouse wat is de reason behind dat? Sometimes she even fear to touch me!!!
Hi Elikia,
Hi Elikia,
I suggest you ask her that, and not us!
Choose a relaxed moment and gently ask her about it. Maybe she fears that you won’t like what she is doing, or she is unsure of what to do. Guide her gently, and praise her lots, and then see if she gets a little less shy! Good luck!
What are the effects of
What are the effects of masturbation please?
Hi Kenn,
Hi Kenn,
happiness, relaxation and sexual satisfaction.
I’m assuming you were looking for a confirmation of all the masturbation horror stories you hear everywhere- sorry about that, but they are ALL MYTHS!!!
If you have a specific myth you would like us to talk about, please tell us. Otherwise, I suggest you check out our top five facts on masturbation, part 1 and 2.
I do not enjoy sex. What
I do not enjoy sex. What might be problem?
Hi John,
Hi John,
is this a new development, or have you always felt that way? Have you had sex with various partners and it’s always the same?
Hi Love Matter… I do
Hi Love Matter… I do apreciate your work en help that yu are giving to troubled people out their….. Curently life has so much going on even true love emotions are too expensive to manage especialy in this current economy.My point is this,You are too soft or rather you are buttering and honeying answers from most of the responds you give. Example en pls its with all due respect. The guy askng if he is a sex toy coz he has proposed to the lady for long but no respond.The truth that yes,he is.En if that lady loved him as much as he loves her,she would have responded to the proposal..Now i want to believe tou have policies you are following when answering questions.But i feel at times the truth realy saves a day! Can i please be given a chance to answer this questions bluntly as they are asked en its acordng to phsycological point of view keeping all factors constant… Yu can consider also having two answers for the questions…Blunt truth,i believe it wil work…. Thank you
Hi Lexie,
Hi Lexie,
We understand where you are coming from. Completely.
But, there is one aspect that makes us give ‘soft’ answers: the stories we hear are one-sided. We don’t know the partner’s side and their story. Take the reader who asks about being a sex toy, for example. We don’t know anything about their relationship other than what he told us in one line on a website. And based on this, we should judge whether his partner is using him as a sex toy? You see where our dilemma is coming from?
However, if you are interested in replying to question, we might have an opportunity for you in the future. Drop us a line and your CV to [email protected], and we will be in touch.
Yes we do communicate, she
Yes we do communicate, she tells me that it is not as per her wish to leave me but my condition.
Have you consulted a
Have you consulted a healthcare professional?
My penis bends upward
My penis bends upward wheneve I steam up. This makes me even to fail while I want to play sex. Please help.
Hi Tobby,
Hi Tobby,
this is quite normal and nothing to worry about. When you feel you have trouble entering the vagina, gentle hold on to the penis and guide it inside.
I feel pain after aving sex
I feel pain after aving sex wth my partner is dea any problem wth me cz it meks me hate sex.
Hi Mercy,
Hi Mercy,
pole sana!
Painful sex can have many reasons. Are you sure you are fully aroused by the time your partner enters you? And are you wet throughout the entire time you are having sex?
If not, use some lubricant and see if that changes anything.
Also, is your partner a bit too rough? Maybe you could try to be a little more gentle.
Please also have a look at what our expert Valentine has to say about painful sex.
If nothing helps, it may be a good idea to see a doctor. Good luck!
My galfrnd tekz ma cock n
My galfrnd tekz ma cock n rubs it against her clitories 4 her 2 cum thz livz me bored n bruised on ma glans. When l propose on using my fingaz she objects. Plz help coz am hurt. Also afta she cums l feel ma urethra tract itchy, cld she havng an STI . Howeva afta urinatng or profusely shakng it cools. Assist plz.
Hi Snave,
Hi Snave,
you and your girlfriend need to talk. It’s great that she takes things into her own hands, literally, and knows what she wants, but leaving you in pain can’t be an option. So tell her she hurts you, and try to find another solution. Maybe try using some lube when she does it could help?
With regards to the STD, I hope you both have been tested. It sounds like you are having sex without a condom, and if you are doing so without having been tested, i have to say, that would be pretty irresponsible. So if you are worried, please get tested. Both of you. Good luck!
Really luv dis page,kudos 2 u
Really luv dis page,kudos 2 u guyz…hw often can i make luv to my wife in a week.we just got married
Hi Harry,
Hi Harry,
thanks, we are glad you like the page!
there is no maximum or minimum amount that you can or should make love in a week. It’s up to the two of you. As long as you are both up for it and enjoy it, having sex even a few times a day is okay. Or only a few times a week. It’s really up to you, but make sure your partner is happy, as well. Hope this helps!
nice lessons
nice lessons
Thank you Grace, we hope you
Thank you Grace, we hope you enjoyed it!
I love black girll bot is
I love black girll bot is black girll not love me what am do now
Hi Meho,
Hi Meho,
maybe you are going for the wrong girls? Or you are going for the wrong approach? Flirting and getting into a relationship can be difficult. Being patient and not coming on too strong often go a long way. Is it just one girl who doesn’t want you, or have there been several?
I love ur pags,more greaze to
I love ur pags,more greaze to ur elbow.
Hi Bayo,
Hi Bayo,
we are greasing as we speak :-)!
Have you found us on Facebook yet? We are Love Matters Africa
No Mata Hw Mine Guy Toucg Me
No Mata Hw Mine Guy Toucg Me,i Dnt Fil [email protected] It Hs Alwys Bin Xo Wit Mine Past Guys Also,pls Wat Culd B Wrong
Hi Anna,
Hi Anna,
have you and your guy tried lots of gentle touching and stroking of the clitoris? With lots of patience, because it can take women quite a while to get aroused. Do you get wet at all?
My galfriend is 21 and am 22,
My galfriend is 21 and am 22, she said that she never had sex b4 , we have been dating for 2 yrs, when I asked her about sex she answers me furiously claiming that its yet not time to do as ur feelings tells us, she asks me to wait 4 she would consider me one time, am worried coz I feel like having it!
Hi Sospata,
Hi Sospata,
our resident sex expert answered a similar question recently, check it out: http://lovematters.co.ke/news/love-without-sex
Hi, am trapped in a situation
Hi, am trapped in a situation that a av a girl who has my child we’ve dated for 4 yrs, now my parents don lyk her so a didnt know hw 2 break with her coz it wasnt easy…bur thru the ups en downs i pulled another gal who now both my parents we are qul now for 1yr. A stil feel for my other woman the child wot do i do,pls hlp en the current one is so damn serious with everythng en a love her so much…..
what are some lubricant used
what are some lubricant used 4 sex?
Hi John,
Hi John,
You can buy lubricants in most supermarkets and at chemist’s. Try avoid using oils, butter, cream, etc, as they can cause irritation and destroy condoms.
My ladie cum 3x b4 i cn cum 4
My ladie cum 3x b4 i cn cum 4 de first time n she tld me dat mayb i do hv a gf or i dnt feel her n i dnt cheat on her i dnt knw
Hi Sipho,
Hi Sipho,
Don’t worry about it, every person cums at a different point, and for some, it takes longer than for others. Try lots and lots of foreplay, so you are very aroused. Also, are you using condoms? Try thin condoms, or latex-free ones. Good luck!
hi.am 24rs n jst had ma first
hi.am 24rs n jst had ma first sex recently.ts ws realy terrible coz of the pain n finally he did nt penetrate.the secod nyt ts ws less painful bt still no penetration.after a week or 2 i wnt back for t again n t was more tough still he did nt penetrate.since thn i hv -ve attitude 2wards sex n we actually went ways for dat coz i cld nt stand t any longer.is t normal 2 go thro all dat pain n to matter worse wit no result.n i once raped when young so i never imagined t wld b dat painful.
Hi Elima,
Hi Elima,
It could be that your trauma of being raped affected you now. The more tense a woman is, the more painful sex will be. Also, if you aren’t fully wet and aroused, it will be painful. Lastly, your partner should be very gentle. Very, very gentle. Many men think that they have to ‘break’ virginity, but that’s not true at all!
Does this help?
plz can i hav sex with my gal
plz can i hav sex with my gal 4 tyms a day?
Hi there,
Hi there,
If she is up for it, too, nothing speaks against it. But make sure she means it, when she agrees.
I’ve always been huge on oral
I’ve always been huge on oral sex yet my now husband had never gone down on me in the year and a half we’ve been together. I ask him about it and he says “I don’t eat pussy” and that’s it I’ve never ever had an orgasm with him, he won’t use toys. .I love him but idk what to do anymore
Hi Jessica,
Hi Jessica,
Does he like oral? If he does, you can negotiate- I do it on you, you do it on me. Other than that, I’m afraid if he is not into it, you will have to accept it. On the other hand, that’s not true for orgasms! Most men don’t understand the importance of the clitoris- and you need to educate him on this. Guide his hands during foreplay. Or while you are on top.
Or use your own fingers, which works well in some positions. Good luck!
I think most of the advice
I think most of the advice given in this page is quite helpful However,it would be much better if the person asking a question does so exhaustively so as to avoid a getting a question in the reply instead of a satisfactory answer.Kudos guys for the good work!!
Very true, Jeff! We try our
Very true, Jeff! We try our best to answer all questions, but sometimes, we need for information or additional explanations.
i appreciate your work
i appreciate your work
Thank you, Judith!
Thank you, Judith!
congrats 4 da gud sensible
congrats 4 da gud sensible topics just steer on.
Thank you, Godfrey!
Thank you, Godfrey!
hi…i have a male friend who
hi…i have a male friend who told me he doesnt ejaculate during sex unless he masturbates he thinks je has a sexual health problem and he doesnt want to go to mens clinic to consult.what might be the cause??
Hi Tman,
Hi Tman,
Hm, it’s very difficult to judge if there is a problem without knowing more. Does he use condoms?
hi love matter! my 1st shot
hi love matter! my 1st shot comes very fast & i feel bored ,what can i do 2 stay
Hi Jose,
Hi Jose,
you can train to delay ejaculation. Try it with masturbation, for example, to stop yourself from ejaculating as long as possible.
As for the bored- pay attention to your partner. That can’t be boring! And talk to your partner- what do you want, what do you want? If sex is boring, then something about your communication is off.
Wat can i do to boost my
Wat can i do to boost my libido,coz i guess its very low.
Hi Veronica,
Hi Veronica,
why do you think that the libido is too low?
i have been going out with
i have been going out with this girl for three months now, and we only had sex for once, each time o request for it she’ll till we get married ,i ask her to go she said no, that she cannot leave, but i shuld b patient…advise pls.
Hi Tony,
Hi Tony,
well, if she doesn’t want to have sex, that is something you will ever have to accept, or walk away, if it’s a deal-breaker for you. And she needs to know this. She can expect you to wait around, if you don’t want to. Talk. Communication is really important.
quite educative I love the
quite educative I love the page…
Hi there,
Hi there,
thanks so much, we love to hear that!
never cummed since we started
never cummed since we started dating I’m now beginin to hate sex .
unlike my ex who was very satisfying this one only loves himself he does it n goes back to ly …..fuck
now the only way I can feel good is thro wanking
Hi Mimi,
Hi Mimi,
have you talked to your partner and told him what you want and need? He can’t magically know. You need to tell him, or better yet, show him. Sex is about communication, much more than anything else. And you need to learn how to communicate. That also means asking him if you do things the way he likes them.
I only enjoy sex with my bf
I only enjoy sex with my bf wen m on top wen he is on top I dnt feel him nd I gt angry, nd he daznt like sex styles. how do I tell him dat I’d like 2 do all da work.
Hi Gail,
Hi Gail,
in the short term, just tell him you want him to enjoy and relax. In the long term, the two of you need to talk about your likes and dislikes when it comes to sex. It’s great that you know what you want, but how do you know what he wants? So talk. Try to find ways that are enjoyable for both of you. Good luck!
my wife take too long tu cum
my wife take too long tu cum sumtymz she doent cum at all.we do fallplay until she gets wet we mak luv for about 15mins or mo bt i end up tiered.wat mus i do ?
Hi Michael,
Hi Michael,
pay lots, and lots of attention to the clitoris during foreplay. Use your hands, your tongue, or even tap your penis against it. It’s a woman’s hotspot, and most women can only have an orgasm if it is stimulated. And the in-and-out movement of intercourse won’t do that. Does this help?
my wife take too long tu cum
my wife take too long tu cum sumtymz she doent cum at all.we do fallplay until she gets wet we mak luv for about 15mins or mo bt i end up tiered.wat mus i do ?
I Am Always Wet At Any Touch
I Am Always Wet At Any Touch Do I Hve I Problem Bcos Of Dat I Dont Play Wit Guy
Hi Victoria,
Hi Victoria,
being wet doesn’t mean you have to have sex. Imagine it like an erection in a guy- you can’t control it, but it happens, and when it happens, you can have sex. Or not. It’s up to you. And it’s totally normal, there is nothing wrong with you!
I Am Always Wet At Any Touch
I Am Always Wet At Any Touch Do I Hve I Problem Bcos Of Dat I Dont Play Wit Guy
I only ejaculate once for
I only ejaculate once for about 5mins then my penis goes off where by i am forced to stop the game.is there anything wrong and what shoul i do to overcome this?
Hi there,
Hi there,
It sounds like you are coming earlier than you would like, this often happens to young men who don’t have a lot of sexual experience because they get very aroused very easily. With more sexually experienced men, it might be due to psychological problems, like fear, stress or depression.
Generally though go slow, enjoy the buildup of touching and caressing each other. Make time for oral sex during your physical interactions. Take time focusing on your partner as well as yourself. Communicate together about what feels nice, what doesn’t and what you would like to try together. Experiment, explore and try new things!
Make sure to use lots of lube and switch up the fun. Even if you do orgasm you can take some time to have oral sex with your partner until your body is ready to go again. Change positions and mix it up.
Some people say condoms help them last longer, while others may use cock rings (just make sure it is the right size and not too tight!).
Generally just remember that sex is more than just penetration and there are lots of ways to enjoy each other.
If you are finding that you really cannot maintain an erection then it might be time to see a doctor. There are some medical conditions that can affect your performance but would need to be looked by a professional.
You can also keep masturbating, however challenge yourself to last longer. Go slow, feel the way your body changes when you are getting closer to climax. Tease yourself, find tricks that help you delay the finish.
Hey my husband has stayed for
Hey my husband has stayed for an year now without having sex with me.We are discordant and we went to the counsillor n we got advice.He has high blood pressure and he says he feels he has low libido n he feels weak so he cant ejaculate. I dont want to hurt him but i feel i need sex what do i do pliz advice thanks
Hi Ann,
Hi Ann,
sex doesn’t have to mean intercourse. So maybe you could talk to him about being intimate- cuddling, touching each other, and maybe he could even bring you to have an orgasm by using his hands or toys. Would that be a start for you?
i trust wat u guyz told us
i trust wat u guyz told us about love big up team love nd wat mataz
Thanks, Clement, we are so
Thanks, Clement, we are so glad to hear that!
ma gal lovs sex more into an
ma gal lovs sex more into an extend dat there isnt any single day i satisfy her i kan ride her for many 30 mins bt she still wants it and am tired! may she hv any problem
How much attention are you
How much attention are you paying to her clitoris? And are you changing positions, so you can take some rest while she does the work?
is it a must to feel pain on
is it a must to feel pain on 1st sex..
If the person is gentle and
If the person is gentle and there is surficient lubrication and the lady is not tensed, first time sex can be completely painless.
yea it is neh
yea it is neh
Thanks for your input. But
Thanks for your input. But the reality is it depends from person to person.
i would want to know if
i would want to know if masturbating is good or bad or does it has any effect to sexual life a seem to be addcted to it and how can i stop
Musturbation is a normal and
Musturbation is a normal and healthy part of human sexual health. It has no negative effects but yes it can become addictive. But addiction is where one can’t function without it. Masterbating even several times a day does not count as addiction. Check out our article on maturation to learn more.
I only have sex for about
I only have sex for about 5min then start ejaculating.Is dat showing a problem .reply
Hi Samuel,
Hi Samuel,
It sounds like you are coming earlier than you would like, this often happens to young men who don’t have a lot of sexual experience because they get very aroused very easily. With more sexually experienced men, it might be due to psychological problems, like fear, stress or depression.
Generally though go slow, enjoy the buildup of touching and caressing each other. Make time for oral sex during your physical interactions. Take time focusing on your partner as well as yourself. Communicate together about what feels nice, what doesn’t and what you would like to try together. Experiment, explore and try new things!
Make sure to use lots of lube and switch up the fun. Even if you do orgasm you can take some time to have oral sex with your partner until your body is ready to go again. Change positions and mix it up.
Some people say condoms help them last longer, while others may use cock rings (just make sure it is the right size and not too tight!).
Generally just remember that sex is more than just penetration and there are lots of ways to enjoy each other.
If you are finding that you really cannot maintain an erection then it might be time to see a doctor. There are some medical conditions that can affect your performance but would need to be looked by a professional.
You can also keep masturbating, however challenge yourself to last longer. Go slow, feel the way your body changes when you are getting closer to climax. Tease yourself, find tricks that help you delay the finish.