hand holding carrots and two eggs forming the shape of penis and balls respectively — Shutterstock

Is masturbation healthy in a relationship?

When you masturbate, you touch and caress yourself to give yourself sexual pleasure. Often you do this until you’re fully aroused and have an orgasm. What if you’re masturbating your partner?

First, ignore the myths, masturbation is normal, healthy, and can be quite beneficial.

Masturbation in a relationship doesn’t have to happen when your spouse is out of town or not in the mood for lovemaking, instead, it should be something that should be added to the intimacy ritual.

We cannot always depend on penetrative sex for all sexual pleasure. Masturbation can be part of foreplay or it can be the only sexual activity that couples choose to engage in sometimes.

Many people continue masturbating even when they’re in a happy and committed relationship.

Why would someone masturbate if they’re happy with their partner? There are several reasons:

Stress relief: some people use masturbation as a release to relax after a stressful day.
They feel aroused but don’t want to have full sex or don’t have the right opportunity for it.
They want to try out different techniques and movements, which they can then practice with their partner.
They know the rhythm of their own body and use masturbation to help build the excitement.
Masturbation helps explore and get comfortable with your fantasies

People who masturbate regularly tend to have more satisfying sex lives, so it’s nothing to worry about!

If you feel upset because your partner masturbates regularly, stay calm and ask them why they do it. Then ask if you can watch it next time! Both men and women can find it a turn-on to be watched masturbating by their partner.

Just say: ‘I’d really like to watch you masturbate next time, so I can see what turns you on.’

Then your partner won’t feel ashamed of doing something perfectly natural, and you won’t feel excluded. And you may well pick up some tips on what feels good to them for the next time you have sex together.

Masturbating her

Masturbating a woman is also known as fingering. When you masturbate a woman, you touch her clitoris and the area around it: the labia and the opening to the vagina. Fingering can make a woman deeply aroused and can bring her to orgasm. But it’s different for every woman, and it can feel different every time.

How do you do it?

You can rub around the clitoris or to the side of it – or even right over it.
You can move faster or slower, and stroke harder or more gently.
You can put one or more fingers inside the woman’s vagina.

Ask your partner what she likes. You could ask her to take your hand and guide you. Or show you herself – which can be quite a turn-on!

Be keen on her body language

Pay attention to her body language. How is she responding to your touch? Is her vagina becoming moist? Is she sighing or moaning? Is her body writhing? Then you’re getting it right!

Also, listen to her breathing: is it getting faster? That’s also a sign that she’s getting aroused.

Apart from your fingers, you can also use your mouth. Only do it if you’re ready for it yourself – not just because the other person takes the initiative and you don’t dare to say no!

Masturbating him

Masturbating a man is also known as – among many other things – giving a hand-job. You rub or stroke the penis with your hand, usually back and forth over the head. This can feel very arousing and can bring a man to orgasm. It’s different for everybody though, and even for the same person, it can feel different every time.

How do you do it?

You can use your whole hand, or just your finger and thumb.
You can make short movements or long strokes – experiment together.
You can do it quickly or slowly, holding the penis firmly or more gently.
Ask your partner what he likes. Let him show you, perhaps with your hand under his so you can feel exactly where he’s putting the pressure.

Don’t forget his body language

Pay attention to his body language. How is he responding to your touch? Is his penis getting even harder? Is he sighing or moaning? Then you’re getting it right! Is his breathing getting faster? That’s also a sign that he’s getting aroused.

Apart from your fingers, you can also use your mouth. Only do it if you’re ready for it yourself – not just because the other person takes the initiative and you don’t dare to say no!

If your partner is circumcised, the head of the penis is often less sensitive. You can use spit or lubricant to make your hand slide more easily.