Fantasies are normal
Most people have fantasies. Sexual fantasies are thoughts or pictures in your head that turn you on. They can be things that you think of yourself or based on memories of something you have seen, read or experienced – like a porn movie or a steamy night with someone. Fantasies don’t even have to be explicitly sexual – what arouses you is very personal. Some people are turned on when they think about tunnels because they remind them of vaginas. When it comes to fantasies, nothing is strange!
Because fantasies are something your imagination comes up with, they can be thoughts that would otherwise be seen as negative, strange, taboo, or even illegal in real life.
If you think your fantasy is particularly strange or out-of-the-ordinary: don’t worry, chances are, it’s not an uncommon fantasy at all.
Fantasies only become problematic when it involves acts on non-consenting persons. Doctors then call the fantasy ‘pathological’; whether it is acted upon or not.
As it can be difficult to talk about sex and sexual fantasies in real life, so some researchers think that fantasies are a way for ‘the brain to go wild’ – imagining things that are otherwise unspeakable in real-life. So even if you wouldn’t dare to ask your partner to try BDSM, you can live out your kinky fantasies in your head.
Fantasies don’t have to become reality
Almost everyone has sexual fantasies, but only few people act on them. It’s possible that even though you fantasise about something like a threesome, you really wouldn’t want to try it in real life.
That’s why you shouldn’t worry too much about your fantasies – if you are straight but you fantasise about having sex with someone of the same gender, it doesn’t mean you are homo- or bisexual. Or imagining having sex with someone other than your partner shouldn’t be seen as a desire to cheat. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty about your fantasies; think of them as a way for your brain to safely explore unknown areas of sexuality with some curiosity.
All genders have sexual fantasies, but studies show that women seem less likely to want to act them out. Other than that, the fantasies are quite similar across the different genders.
So what are some of the things that people fantasies about? Here’s a short list, but there are many, many more.
- Oral sex
- BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism)
- Being watched or filmed
- Watching other people
- Being naked in public
- Sex in public spaces
- Sex with strangers
- Group sex
- Sex with someone who's very large/small/tall/skinny/older etc.
- Sex with someone of the same gender
- Sex with celebrities
- Anal sex
Acting out your fantasies
It can be fun and arousing, to share some of your fantasies with your partner. And if you want to and they agree, you can even try to act out some of those images your brain came up with.
If you are shy about bringing it up, try casually mentioning it, for example by saying you have read about sex in public places. Gauge your partner’s reaction, and, if they are curious, ask them if that’s something the two of you can explore.
Role-play is a common way to act out fantasies. For example, if you dream about having sex with a stranger, your partner can pretend to be someone you don’t know. You can arrange to meet at a bar, and talk to each other like you’ve never met before. And then you can take them to a hotel room, or your place, and have a one-night-stand.
But don’t be disappointed if things don’t quite work out the way you imagined them; the brain is a powerful instrument and can sometimes make things look better than they actually are.