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Sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies are completely normal. Some of them may seem weird, but just because you fantasise about something doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Fantasies are normal

Most people have fantasies. Sexual fantasies are thoughts or pictures in your head that turn you on. They can be things that you think of yourself or based on memories of something you have seen, read or experienced – like a porn movie or a steamy night with someone. Fantasies don’t even have to be explicitly sexual – what arouses you is very personal. Some people are turned on when they think about tunnels because they remind them of vaginas. When it comes to fantasies, nothing is strange!

Because fantasies are something your imagination comes up with, they can be thoughts that would otherwise be seen as negative, strange, taboo, or even illegal in real life.
If you think your fantasy is particularly strange or out-of-the-ordinary: don’t worry, chances are, it’s not an uncommon fantasy at all.

Fantasies only become problematic when it involves acts on non-consenting persons. Doctors then call the fantasy ‘pathological’; whether it is acted upon or not.

As it can be difficult to talk about sex and sexual fantasies in real life, so some researchers think that fantasies are a way for ‘the brain to go wild’ – imagining things that are otherwise unspeakable in real-life. So even if you wouldn’t dare to ask your partner to try BDSM, you can live out your kinky fantasies in your head.

Fantasies don’t have to become reality

Almost everyone has sexual fantasies, but only few people act on them. It’s possible that even though you fantasise about something like a threesome, you really wouldn’t want to try it in real life.

That’s why you shouldn’t worry too much about your fantasies – if you are straight but you fantasise about having sex with someone of the same gender, it doesn’t mean you are homo- or bisexual. Or imagining having sex with someone other than your partner shouldn’t be seen as a desire to cheat. You shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty about your fantasies; think of them as a way for your brain to safely explore unknown areas of sexuality with some curiosity.

All genders have sexual fantasies, but studies show that women seem less likely to want to act them out. Other than that, the fantasies are quite similar across the different genders.

Common fantasies

So what are some of the things that people fantasies about? Here’s a short list, but there are many, many more.

  • Oral sex
  • Threesomes
  • BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism)  
  • Being watched or filmed
  • Watching other people
  • Being naked in public
  • Sex in public spaces
  • Sex with strangers
  • Group sex
  • Sex with someone who's very large/small/tall/skinny/older etc.
  • Sex with someone of the same gender
  • Sex with celebrities  
  • Anal sex

Acting out your fantasies

It can be fun and arousing, to share some of your fantasies with your partner. And if you want to and they agree, you can even try to act out some of those images your brain came up with.

If you are shy about bringing it up, try casually mentioning it, for example by saying you have read about sex in public places. Gauge your partner’s reaction, and, if they are curious, ask them if that’s something the two of you can explore.

Role-play is a common way to act out fantasies. For example, if you dream about having sex with a stranger, your partner can pretend to be someone you don’t know. You can arrange to meet at a bar, and talk to each other like you’ve never met before. And then you can take them to a hotel room, or your place, and have a one-night-stand.

But don’t be disappointed if things don’t quite work out the way you imagined them; the brain is a powerful instrument and can sometimes make things look better than they actually are.


Did you learn something new?

There are things I want to. Try out with my partner but I don't know how to introduce them during sex and I also don't want to scare her or look crazy. How should go about this?

Hey Vic, talking about sex makes the experience better for both partners. Perhaps instead of trying to introduce new things during sex, you could try talking about these new things before starting sex. Try find a good time to hold this conversation so that it is not misinterpreted. Remember the intention is to improve the experience for you both. Check out the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

Hey Danso, every woman is different and so are their vagina. The vagina of a woman is not related to her body size, this is just a myth. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/female-body/vagina-shapes-and-sizes-myth-buster

Tue, 07/10/2018 - 03:31 pm
I really want to have oral sex but my partner is too conservative to give or receive it what can I do to get him to more adventurers?

Hey Jackie, you may want to begin by finding out what exactly makes your partner not to like oral sex. It could be because he is conservative, a past negative experience or because of certain beliefs he may hold. Find a good time and talk about this. Remember, sex becomes better when partners talk about it. Check out this article for tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

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Hey there, No this does not mean a man is gay, it just means they want to explore anal sex. Heterosexual couples can also explore and enjoy anal sex within their own relationship. Check out this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/anal-sex-top-five-facts

Hey Edu, it helps to talk to your partner and get to know what they like this is because what one likes may not be the same for the next person. Find a good time and talk to your partner about what they like this way you will be certain. Check out the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex


Hi Nick, after every ejaculation the penis cannot erect for sometime. There is no real to reduce the time it takes for one to get another erection, so one has to just work with their own body. How many shorts or how many times you have sex per time is really depended on your own body's response. It's important not to stress out about whether or not you will be ready for the next shot but rather focus on enjoying every moment and making the best out every moment. You may not need Viagra unless a health care professional prescribes it to address a specific problem.

Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/quantity-vs-quality-what-matters-when-it-comes-to-sex

Hey, it is important to know what will get you to orgasm and then communicate this to your partner. The bigger issue then is do you know what can get you to orgasm and have you talked about this with your partner? Sex is better with communication. Communication needs to not only happen before sex, but also during and after sex. Have a look at the following articles for additional information;- 




Hi Eli, has your partner shared with you why she doesn’t like it in the early morning? Find a good time and talk about what makes her not like it in the morning to see if you can get a solution for this or at least find a middle ground that is acceptable to you both. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

Hey Anne, sorry about this. Sex should be pleasurable and not painful. Not having sex for a long time doesn't lead to pain, pain is caused by either of the following reasons. It could be caused by having dry sex where penetration takes place before the vagina is moist or has self lubricated, the presence of an infection in the vagina can cause pain. Also, if one is not relaxed, which also means that vagina muscles are not relaxed, this will lead to painful intercourse, anxiety that sex will cause pain can cause one not to relax. Getting to know what is causing the pain is the first step toward addressing the issue. Check out the following article;-  https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/sex-hurts-help

Wed, 01/16/2019 - 03:49 pm
I feel our sex life with my partner has deteriorated very much and it now flat and boring. I know we need to do things to spice up the sex but I don't know how to introduce new things. I feel the man should drive this or else I maybe labelled a slut?

Hey there, the sex conversation can be a difficult one to bring up with your partner but it is one you need to have consistently. When there is no communication about sex, it ends up becoming a boring routine. This communication can take place before, during and even after sex. Anyone of the partners can initiate this conversation since both partners need to participate to make it a great experience for both. Start by getting a good time for this conversation and also try not to blame but rather together explore ways to make the experience better for you both. Get to know what your partner likes and also share with them what you like. Check out this article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

There are things I want to try but my girlfriend is very shy she doesn't like to talk about sex. When I start the story she shys away. I wonder what I can do make her open up?

Hey Dan, this is normal especially when you are still in the early stages of the relationship. If she is shy when you are talking face to face, you could trying talking on the phone which maybe easier. However, with time and as you get to know each other you will become more comfortable with each other. Also, try and make a game out of it, it is okay to laugh about it. Check out the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

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