I am so sorry honey. Three years is a really long time to be in pain.
Pleasure and arousal
Like all relationships, our relationship with sex is circular. So if you have a great sexual encounter, you desire another one and your body is more likely to react positively so your pleasure is more intense.
But when you have a painful sexual encounter, then you dread the next one, your body is slower to get aroused – that is if it gets aroused at all – and soon enough you start to hate sex and avoid it all together.
Dryness and deep penetration
There is hope and it's great that you are looking for help and not just suffering in silence. I wish you had given more detail as to the type of pain. A dull ache is usually due to too much friction as a result of dryness. Sharp pain may be due to your partner's vigorous thrusting. He may be hitting your cervix which is right at the end of your vagina. If your man has a particularly long penis then any position that allows him deep penetration is likely to hurt.
It would have also been good to know if you bleed during or after sex. Most of the causes of bleeding are the same as the causes of pain: dryness and vigorous sex.
On the other hand, bleeding can be a sign that you have an STD, such as chlamydia.
Another cause can be benign (not harmful) growths on your cervix or uterus, known as polyps.
There are some other causes as well.
I suggest to address any possible dryness first and have a talk with your partner about being more gentle. If that doesn't solve the bleeding, please see a healthcare professional.
More foreplay and arousal
I think you need to be more aroused and more lubricated before you begin actual intercourse. You have to tell your husband that you are in pain and ask that you extend foreplay, or better yet, that he get you to orgasm before you start intercourse.
Say this: '[Insert term of endearment like "honey" or "baby"], recently I have been in pain whenever we have had sex. Can we please try more foreplay?'
The point here is to engage him in the solution, not place blame. Most women need at least 20 minutes of foreplay to be fully aroused – for the vagina to elongate, widen, and lubricate. Kissing, nipple play, stroking your clitoris with his fingers or tongue will all work wonders.
You could also buy lubricants like KY Jelly or the flavoured Durex options and he could apply the lubricant as part of foreplay.
Finally, you could try positions that allow you more control of the speed and depth of intercourse – like you on top. Also, positions that don’t allow him to get too deep like spooning where you lie with your back to him and he enters from behind. This allows you more control of the speed and depth of intercourse. If none of the above solutions works, please see a doctor.
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