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Sex hurts – help!

By Valentine Njoroge June 24, 01:07 pm
Whenever I have sex with my husband I feel pain and I bleed. We’ve been married for three years but all this time I have never been able to enjoy intercourse.

I am so sorry honey. Three years is a really long time to be in pain.

Pleasure and arousal

Like all relationships, our relationship with sex is circular. So if you have a great sexual encounter, you desire another one and your body is more likely to react positively so your pleasure is more intense.

But when you have a painful sexual encounter, then you dread the next one, your body is slower to get aroused – that is if it gets aroused at all – and soon enough you start to hate sex and avoid it all together.

Dryness and deep penetration

There is hope and it's great that you are looking for help and not just suffering in silence. I wish you had given more detail as to the type of pain. A dull ache is usually due to too much friction as a result of dryness. Sharp pain may be due to your partner's vigorous thrusting. He may be hitting your cervix which is right at the end of your vagina. If your man has a particularly long penis then any position that allows him deep penetration is likely to hurt.


It would have also been good to know if you bleed during or after sex. Most of the causes of bleeding are the same as the causes of pain: dryness and vigorous sex.

On the other hand, bleeding can be a sign that you have an STD, such as chlamydia.
Another cause can be benign (not harmful) growths on your cervix or uterus, known as polyps.
There are some other causes as well.

I suggest to address any possible dryness first and have a talk with your partner about being more gentle. If that doesn't solve the bleeding, please see a healthcare professional. 

More foreplay and arousal

I think you need to be more aroused and more lubricated before you begin actual intercourse. You have to tell your husband that you are in pain and ask that you extend foreplay, or better yet, that he get you to orgasm before you start intercourse.  

Say this: '[Insert term of endearment like "honey" or "baby"], recently I have been in pain whenever we have had sex. Can we please try more foreplay?'

The point here is to engage him in the solution, not place blame. Most women need at least 20 minutes of foreplay to be fully aroused – for the vagina to elongate, widen, and lubricate. Kissing, nipple play, stroking your clitoris with his fingers or tongue will all work wonders.

You could also buy lubricants like KY Jelly or the flavoured Durex options and he could apply the lubricant as part of foreplay.

Finally, you could try positions that allow you more control of the speed and depth of intercourse – like you on top. Also, positions that don’t allow him to get too deep like spooning where you lie with your back to him and he enters from behind. This allows you more control of the speed and depth of intercourse. If none of the above solutions works, please see a doctor.

Have you suffered from painful sex? Are you still looking for a solution? Our moderators are here to help. 

Did you learn something new?

Fri, 06/28/2013 - 03:40 pm
it either your partner does not stimulate you enough and your vagina is normally dry or he could be having a big member.(you did not specify where it pains) if the pain is not caused by any of the two consider seeing a doctor for advice
Thu, 07/18/2013 - 08:14 am
If he is the one who diflowered u mybe its normal some women's Hymen tend to stay for a long time before tataly breaking.
Hi anonymous, it's true that the first time can be painful and that even the first few times can be painful, but this lady has been in pain for 3 years! Ouch!
if i have sex with my GF immediately i ejaculate erection again becomes a problem and feeling some pain (kamuwasho) at pe**s tip when ejaculating. wat can be the problem? #help pliiiz#
Hi Gams, it seems there are two issues: first, you ejaculate too quickly. That's quite normal when you are inexperienced with sex. Foreplay can be very exciting already, especially if it takes a long time; this can be very good for the ladies, but not so good if you are very excitable. Are you able to go longer the second time? In general, talk to your lady about it. You can tell her it's even good for her, because while having intercourse, you can only focus on her- you've already had your fun once . And you can practice together. If you fell like you are about to come, stop everything, take a quiet minute, and then start again. The other thing is- do you masturbate? With masturbation, you can practice taking more time until you come. The second issue seems to be the pain. It's hard to tell from a distance whether this is the normal sensitive that a man experiences around his penis head after ejaculation or if it is something different. Do you have any other symptoms around your penis, like pain with peeing or unusual discharge? If it persists, I would advise you to see a doctor. Hope this helps!
Sun, 08/11/2013 - 11:06 pm
I have a pe**s that has a mixture of black and white skin colour at the head. it has been that way since I was circumcised and am a black man. What could be the problem? Please help.
Hi Harvey, if the colour is the only problem, then you don't have a problem! The colour of the penis can vary and that's nothing to worry about!
Hi, During intercourse, I ejaculate fast & thereafter my pe**s fails to erect; meaning after the first ejaculation, there's no more sex at that moment. What's my problem? please help?
Love Matters
Sun, 01/26/2014 - 01:15 am

In reply to by Ruy

Hi Ruy, that's perfectly normal. After you ejaculate, your body needs time to recover. The younger you are, the faster this period is in general, but once you are in your 20's, from then on it will take more and more time. That's why you should make that first time count- quality is often much better than quantity :-)!
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