Moving from being a couple to being alone
(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

Coping with a break up

Healing after a broken relationship is difficult. If you were in a long-term relationship or living with your partner, it could mean a change in your lifestyle.

The way you feel depends slightly on whether you’ve been ‘dumped’ or you did the dumping. People who have been through both say that being dumped is much worse – not surprisingly. It’s a blow to your self-esteem. But in either case, it’s not easy.

After you’ve ended your relationship, one big question is whether you can remain friends with your ex. There’s no clear answer to that question. It depends on you, your ex, and how the relationship ended. What worked for your best friend might not work for you, so trust your instincts.

Coping with a break up

Here are some tips on how to cope with your break up:

  • Think about what went wrong, but don't obsess over it. Don't fight your feelings – accept them, and let them out gently. It can be hard to stop thinking about it, but try to take your mind off it as much as you can. Remember that your end goal is to move on. 
  • Meet with friends and share your feelings. There’s no better cure for a broken heart than sharing your feelings with good friends. You can meet and pour your heart out.
  • Get rid of negative emotions. If you still feel angry with your ex a few months after breaking up, remind yourself that it’s in the past now and it's time to let go. Get rid of things that remind you of your partner – things like the gifts they gave you or cards they made. It’s sad, but it can help you move on.
  • Care for yourself. Eat well, sleep well, and take lots of exercise. Do things that make you feel better – like going for a walk in the park or getting together with your family. A little bit of tender loving care goes a long way in the healing process.
  • Get a new hobby. Try learning how to cook or play the piano. Find things to do to fill in spare time. Keeping your mind and body busy is an essential part of healing. You might also meet new people with similar interests when you join a group or club.
  • Be positive. It might sound unbelievable, but it's perfectly possible that you’ll find someone else who’ll love you again.
  • Don’t turn to drink or drugs. Stay away from alcohol and other non-prescription drugs. They’ll do you more harm than help you heal.
  • Watch out for signs of depression. If you think you’re falling into depression, let someone know. Get help. Contact helplines or counsellors. Below is a list that will help you.

Related: Falling Out Of Love

Amani Counselling Centre: 0722626590
Kenya Marriage Counselling: 0721743977
Oasis Counselling Center: 0733366614
Discovery Counselling Services: 0700270983/0721513438

Did you learn something new?

Comments
Hi... am having a hard time thinking about my ex. We still talk but to him it seems like he already moved on but as for me am finding it to be hard. I still love him. Please help

Hi Kate, it is normal to feel this way after a break up depending on the reasons for the break up, how you broke and if you still have feelings for each other. It is important to come to terms with the fact that you broke up and more importantly that your partner already moved on. All you can do now is to accept this and move on as well. This may take time but eventually you will be able to move on and even get into a new fulfilling relationship. Have a look at the following article for tips on coping with a break up;-  https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

taiwo cole
Tue, 06/25/2019 - 02:19 pm
Hello my bf saw condom with me,he ask me wat am using it for I explained to him that I use it for my face,he said no problem but since then he never call me again,I tried my possible best he his breakin my hrt seriously wat shuld I do cos I love him so much

Hi Taiwo, it appears that your partner may not have believed the reason you gave him for having a condom. Have you tried calling him now that he is not calling you? You may have to call him to find out if there are any issues and then agree on how to proceed. Have a look at the following article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

pheneas
Fri, 06/28/2019 - 10:37 am
i am currently going through a breakup. we disagreed with my girl friend over religion matters. Over the past few months ive been trying to get myself interested but she thinks i haven't done enough yet. i asked her to stay with me and let each other have their space and respect over the issue she refused. i told her that i'm willing to accommodate her views on religion and asked her to accommodate mine, she refused and broke up with me. i feel terrible right now coz i know i did my best to keep her but still lost her. ADVICE?

Hey Pheneas, we are so sorry about this. Religious beliefs are deep seated issues that at times when one is unwilling to compromise in case where there are differences in a relationship, it causes a strain in a relationship. It appears that you did all you could to try and find a middle ground but it didn't work. All you can do now it to allow yourself to move on even though this is tough. It takes time to heal over a break but but with time you will feel better and perhaps even get into a new relationship that will be fulfilling for you. We wish you all the best, have a look at the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up 

Anonymous
Tue, 07/09/2019 - 10:17 pm
Hey this umi,we hard an issues he was always talking to his ex ,she is always sending him videos pictures I do feel bad ,but he do say there is nothing between them. One night I spoke to him badly we was angry and broke up with me so I told him I couldn't move on I was in tears he said he has forgiven he won't leave me but he has changed now after that incidence so I feel broken I don't think he still loves me like before I justfeel like I just move on forget him cause am hurtin and it's hard for me

Hey, so sorry about about this. It appears you are unhappy in your relationship. You need to think about whether this is what you want in a relationship. If he is unwilling to cut communication with his ex, you will have to decide whether to accept this or no. If not it maybe time to break up with him. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

Hey, so sorry about about this. It appears you are unhappy in your relationship. You need to think about whether this is what you want in a relationship. If he is unwilling to cut communication with his ex, you will have to decide whether to accept this or no. If not it maybe time to break up with him. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

Hi Blessing, it is difficult to know if a man is cheating on you or will cheat on you. A good place to start is to think about the kind of person you want to be with and then talk about your expectations early in the relationship this way it is clear from the beginning what you want and what to expect. All the best. Have a look at the following article;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/signs-of-a-cheating-boyfriend

https://lovemattersafrica.com/marriage/thinking-about-marriage/the-big-decision-how-do-i-know 

Dear Juliet, it appears you are depended on alcohol. Do you remember when this started and what led to this? The good news is that you can get out of this with some professional help. Consider calling the following hotline free from you Safaricom line, 1190 and you will be assisted. Additionally, have a look at the following article for more information from where you can get help;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/get-help/helpline-and-counseling

Hi Joseph, healing from a heart break can take time. Your partner needs to first come to terms with the fact that her relationship ended and that all she can do now it to move on. It will take her being deliberate about moving on and taking practical steps toward moving since this is the only way she can enjoy your current relationship. Here are some tips you can share with her;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Joseph
Fri, 07/19/2019 - 12:45 pm
Hi admin I met a lady some times ago and we have been very good friends and we are now in love with each other, but the problem is about her past hurt which keeps affecting her love for me because she at times do think I can be like the other guys. Please help me on what to do to heal her emotional wound. I love her so much and she do too.

Hi Joseph, healing from a heart break can take time. Your partner needs to first come to terms with the fact that her relationship ended, it may not have been her fault and that all she can do now it to move on. She will need to be deliberate about moving on including taking practical steps toward moving on since this is the only way she can get to enjoy the current relationship you have with her. You cam as well support her in this process by reassuring her you are not her ex and the importance of her not comparing her past lover with you or her past relationship and what you have. We wish you well. Here are some other tips you can share with her;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

I met this new guy after my man had a slight conflict with me for about months and now my man realized himself coming back to me and told me his reason and I could see they are genyibe. I still felt the love I have for him and now I had this new who already had a wife and I wanted to break ? up with this new guy... How do I make it

Hi Eknor, first, you need to decide what you want and whom you want to be with. Additionally, you need to think about the conflicts that made you break up in the first place and whether you have resolved them before choosing to get back with your ex. Also, if the new guy already has a wife it means he is cheating on his wife with. Is this what you want? Do take sometime and think about what you want and whom you want to be with to make an informed decision. Should you choose either, you will need to break up with the other. Have a look at the following article;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-can-i-get-back-my-ex

david anukwu
Sun, 07/28/2019 - 11:51 pm
She broke up with me for no reason maybe for money but I see her everyday and it hurt like hell....she works at my mom's restaurant,n I always go there also everyday day....seeing her make me hurt n more when someone toasting her am hurt really deep

Dear David, so sorry about this. Coping with a break up can be challenging especially when you have to keep seeing your ex daily whom you still love but can't be with. Unfortunately, relationships do end and when they do, all one can do is to try and move on. Have you considered not visiting your mom's restaurant daily or atleast spacing your visits? You could also consider visiting times when you are likely not to meet with her? More importantly, you only have control over yourself, you may not be able to control your ex including where she is found. Take time and focus on yourself. This was not your fault and healing can take time but eventually you will heal and move on. We wish you all the best, have a look at the following article for tips on coping with a break up;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Pauline
Tue, 08/13/2019 - 04:14 pm
I am going through a break up but I am attracted to my exs friend. He is also interested but I am confused about whether to go ahead or stop dating for awhile. Any advice?

Hi Pauline, first, if you are still dealing with a break up, maybe you need to take sometime and deal with the break up before choosing to date someone else. Also, dating a friend of your ex can complicate his relationship with your ex and this can to some extend affect your relationship. Think about whether you are ready for a new relationship before deciding to start a new one. Check out this article;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/meeting-someone/dating-your-exs-friend

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Hey Yusuf, we appreciate your contribution. People can fall in love today and choose to start a relationship but it takes time and efforts from both partners to make a relationship work. Have a look at the following article for more tips on how to make a relationship strong;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/keeping-a-relationship-strong-dos-donts

My boyfriend just broke up with me The funniest part of it is that he gave his new girlfriend his phone to be texting and insulting me on whatsapp He even gave her my number to be insulting me I wonder what i have done wrong to deserve all this I'm so broken inside

Dear Fola, so sorry about this. You have no control over the choices he makes especially now that you are not together. You can consider restricting their communication to you which may include blocking their numbers or even changing your number. Break ups are tough, but with time you will feel better. Time is a healer, give yourself sometime and eventually you get over the hurt. Have a look at the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Hey Oluwatosin, this doesn't happen always. However, the sad reality about relationships is that not all of them will last forever. You may love someone deeply and even do your best always but this will not guarantee that your relationship will last a lifetime. All you can do is to allow yourself to move even though this can be challenging. It may take time, but eventually you will be able to get over the hurt and move on. Check out the following article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

My boyfriend has broken up with me. it hard for me to move on. I truly loved. I feel this is the end of me, I don't know what to do. I had already introduced him to my family and friends. what do I do? I cant move on with life again. please help.

Hi Liz, so sorry about this. This is the end of a relationship, the unfortunate truth about relationships is that not all of them will last a life time. You can do everything right but still a relationship may not work since you have no control over the choices of the other person. All you can do now is to allow yourself to move, it may not feel that it is possible but time is a healer. It may take time but eventually you will get over this hurt and probably get into a new fulfilling relationship. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

I love my ex I hurt her but I feel like I won't do it agent even my conscience can't even allow me to move on she too doesn't want to hear a word I sat pls help

Hello Chris , thank you for reaching out to us. It is great that you are thinking of making an apology. A sincere apology is much more than a simple sorry. First, express the desire to apologise and ask for permission to do so. Never assume that a person is willing or ready to listen to an apology. Second. Express remorse, and admit responsibility. Try and avoid making excuses or shifting blame. Third, let them know how you intend to make amends and make it right. Lastly, let them know that you do not intend to do it again, and mean it.

Anonymous
Mon, 02/03/2020 - 05:07 pm
For me,i know i was the one at fault cz i led him on till to a point he thought we now dating for good Then all over a sudden i just thought about it and i was like i cannot with this guy anymore.I decided to end things up.But i tend to miss him alot and its not even days after we broke up. Plz help me get stable

Hi Anonymous, so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. It is great to hear that you acknowledge that you are at fault and that you may want to make amends. You could think of making an apology and asking for forgiveness. However while you do this remember that you cannot force a person to accept your apology and you will have to accept that.

Hi Love Matters, I have this girl that I love. We have been together for 5 months, each time I ask her if she loves me she say no. This week she said I give her time to reflect on herself to know whether she has been living a lie with me or she is not ready for a relationship. Pliz advise on what to do. Thanks.

Hello Chris, so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. A relationship needs for all the people involved being on the same page. She has made it clear that she needs time and space to think about the relationship. The best thing would be to allow her the time to clarify things. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who does not know if they want to be in it. Although it does not seem like it, this is a good thing. If you pull through this process you will build a strong and lasting relationship and if you do not, it will free you up to build that with someone else.

Crystal
Sun, 02/16/2020 - 04:27 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend not because I don't love him I do bt I was cheating n I couldn't bring myself to tell him bt right now, he is all I think abt n I don't want to go back. wat should I do

Hello Crystal, thank you for reaching out to us. So sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. It is understandable that you would be hurting during this time and would want to go back. To help you think of what you should do, think about what you want for yourself and your future. Do you think that the issue for your break up could be resolved? Can you be honest about it?

I kissed smone else wen I thought my bf i nd wer over, he asked me 2 block him nd we didn't talk 4 a month nd 2 wks, bt he came bck and said we didn't brkup, I agreed 2 date him again since then he said I cheated on him nd he hurts me evryday wit his words, he said he loves me bt I dnt see it, he said am negative wen eva I say my opinion abt smtin, nw he said we shuld go on a brk, nd its two months,am hurt and broken, wat cn I do, cos I love him too much to let go bt I wnt to
Love Matters
Mon, 03/23/2020 - 07:58 pm

Hello Rose, thank you so much for reaching out to us and we are so sorry to hear what you are going through. Prior to your break up, had you both made it clear that it was an official break up or was it just a break for you both take some time? This could be the source of your conflict. Secondly, what caused the initial break in the first place? 

Anonymous
Mon, 05/04/2020 - 03:42 pm
Hi, I'm so confused, my boyfriend, doesn't give me quality attention, I feel like I love him more than he loves me, each time I tried to correct him, he does worse. I love him so much, and I don't wanna loose him, I don't know what to do anymore
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