Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

Dating your ex’s friend

By Valentine Njoroge September 8, 01:00 pm
Is it okay for one to date her ex’s friend? wonders a reader. Be careful, says Valentine. Such scenarios can prove to be a powder keg!

Most people will agree that not all exes are created equal and there are three key scenarios in which dating your ex’s friend will be problematic:

1) You just broke up.

If you broke up with your ex in the last few months and he is still struggling to cope with the breakup, then dating his friend will hurt him and cause a rift in his friendship with your new boyfriend.

2) You hurt your ex through unfaithfulness, cruelty or some kind of betrayal.

Your ex’s friend might have heard your ex’s side of the story and if they still choose to date you then there is a tacit implication that they think your ex – their supposed friend – is a liar. Otherwise, why would they choose to date a liar/cruel person/ betrayer?

3) You are still having sex with your ex.

Sometimes the relationship doesn’t work but the sex does, and so you keep having it. If you then start dating your ex’s friend, the sex will end and your ex will feel rejected and replaced by a new man who happens to be his friend.

I will not say 'do not ever date your ex’s friend'. But you should know that if you are in any of the above situations, things will be tricky. As you can see in each of the above scenarios, your new boyfriend, and your ex will have to adjust their friendship to cater to the new dynamic.

Risky business

In relationships, we expose ourselves to our partners believing that we are in a safe environment. And so the honourable thing to do is not to air confidential information after the relationship ends. Your ex’s real problem if you start dating his friend is that there is a risk of exposure. These two guys probably do not know each other in a sexual way, but you can say things that your ex might not want his friend to know about him.

Your ex’s friend already has a perception of you based on your ex’s experience of you, and you might find that it’s a hurdle you have to overcome.

Ultimately though, it is not you but the two friends who have things to sort out. Also, you must consider that your ex’s friend might not take you too seriously because he might not like the idea of ending up with a friend’s 'leftovers'. It might seem silly but these things matter to some people and when it comes to sex and relationships, we are more emotional than we are rational.

Do you have questions about relationships? Get in touch with us on our discussion board.

Did you learn something new?

Hey there, it really depends. Firstly- do you want to love him? It sounds a bit like you are tempted because he likes you. Which is a good reason, but not the best. And then, what about your ex? How do you think he would react? This might be more of a question for his friend though. Try to answer some of these major questions first before you decide on what to do.
Tue, 10/28/2014 - 12:48 am
I'm frnds ex want 2 date me bt am not sure whether i love this guy o not.maybe i want 2 du a revenge bcoz my frnd b4 dated with my ex bf i ddnt hd a prblm bck now since his ex want me i dnt now wat 2 du. .now his ex wants me.can i date him o not.pz hlp
Hi Yonela, if you don't know whether you like him or not, why not spend some more time with him? Without being in a relationship, for starters. That way, you can find out if it's just revenge or if you actually like him?
Add new comment


  • Allowed HTML tags: <a href hreflang>