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The 4 attachment styles in relationships

Do you ever think about why you are more inclined to attract or attracted to certain types of people?

Or why the people you have dated in the past were not as compatible with you as you thought?

Love involves a lot of things and one of the most important parts of the equation is your attachment style. The way you typically bond with others is known as your attachment style. For instance, when you were born, you depended on your caregivers for survival. This is because you needed their support and therefore you naturally became attached to them.

 The way your caregivers responded to you affected the way you formed relationships throughout your life. This is why some of you learn healthy behaviors, and others learn to struggle in relationships.


  1. Secure attachment

    People with this type of attachment style feel comfortable going to their partner when something is off and in return, they allow their partner absolute freedom. They tend to have honest, open, and equal relationships where both partners can thrive and grow together at a healthy pace.

    In addition, they enjoy feeling relaxed in their relationships, and rarely feel jealous or anxious that the relationship will end. They are independent, self-assured, and feel enough confidence in the relationship knowing that the other person is secure enough to still be there for them no matter what.

    It is important to note that people with a secure attachment style also experience conflicts just like any other person but they have emotional intelligence that enables them to communicate clearly and solve issues amicably.

  2. Anxious attachment style

    If you have an anxious attachment style, you may find yourself constantly worrying about how to make your partner love you and tend to be jealous, clingy, needy, full of anxiety, and fearful that if you make one tiny mistake or if the other person meets someone better, then the relationship will be over.

    Whether they’re a romantic partner or a friend, you probably don’t feel that you’re good enough for them. Conversely, you may be critical of your partners and friends, expecting them to somehow hurt or neglect you like you may have been hurt or neglected as a child.

    Subsequently, people with this type of attachment style tend to fantasize about love because it is easier for them to form a fantasy bond with someone instead of something based on reality.

    If your parents didn’t understand or fulfill your needs, you may have developed an anxious attachment to them. As an adult, you feel that same anxiety when you’re in a relationship.

  3. Avoidant attachment style

    People with this attachment style avoid intimacy by shutting down their emotions and pushing themselves away. They usually come across as sufficient and independent.

    If you have an avoidant attachment style, you dismiss the idea that intimacy and emotions are important to you, focusing instead on being self-reliant. You may become a loner, preferring to hide your feelings so well that you may not even know what they are. You prefer to spend time pursuing intellectual goals and may avoid social interactions. Therefore, you’ll likely be attracted to people who don’t want to help you meet your needs and who want you to be independent.

    You may develop an avoidant attachment style if your caregivers didn’t nurture you well by providing for both your physical and emotional needs. Often, these parents also emphasize the need to be independent and not show emotion. 

  4. Fearful avoidant attachment style

    If you have this type of attachment style, you tend to both fears being close to or too distant from your lover.  

    You are unpredictable and when people get close, you often hurt them. In addition, you fear being abandoned but struggle to be confident in your partner and relying on them, facing a lot of inner conflict between wanting intimacy and resisting it.

    People in this category usually have many highs and lows in relationships and can end up in abusive relationships.


Accepting what your attachment style is and recognizing the work that comes with it can be life-changing and powerful. It is important to be more self-aware so that you are able to tell which attachment styles you have. As time goes on your attachment style can change as you evolve as a lover. Don’t worry; you can still learn to develop a more secure attachment style with a little commitment and the help of a therapist.

 Which attachment style do you resonate with and how has it affected your relationships? 

Click this link to take the test: Attachment styles or copy this link: 

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Recent Comments (6)

    1. Hi Edwin, 

      Which is your…

      Hi Edwin, 

      Which is your attachment style?

  1. Interesting observation
    Interesting observation

    1. Hi Nancy, 

      Which is your…

      Hi Nancy, 

      Which is your attachment style. 

  2. Very clear.communication…
    Very clear.communication style apt and precise.answers the questions.

    1. Thank you, Catherine!

      Thank you, Catherine!

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