Can I have a healthy relationship after an abortion?

By Karuana Mwai
Abortion care conversations are often hidden, leading to misinformation and worsening stigma around this safe, essential procedure. It’s time we understand what abortion looks like in 2024, especially in Kenya. Making informed decisions for yourself and your loved ones starts with breaking the silence and getting the facts right.

One of the biggest misconceptions about abortion is that men are on the sidelines during the decision-making process. Too often, society tells men that their role is limited to financial support, while women bear the emotional burden alone. This can lead to false belief that after an abortion, the relationship is merely a physical encounter or even ends entirely. In reality, a healthy relationship requires both partners to be emotionally and practically present for each other.

Let’s take a moment to think about a couple in this situation. They’ve decided to have an abortion, but afterward, things change. The silence, the guilt, and the unsaid words start to build walls between them. If both partners don’t make an effort to create a safe, non-judgmental space to talk, these walls only get higher.

So, how can you foster a healthy relationship in this challenging context?

Building a Safe Space for Communication

To keep your relationship healthy after an abortion, it’s important to create a space where both you and your partner can openly share your feelings. This may involve having tough conversations about fear, guilt, or sadness, but it’s essential that you both feel heard.

Start by encouraging honest dialogue. You might say, ‘I’ve felt relief but also guilt,’ This vulnerability invites the other partner to respond, perhaps with, ‘I understand; I’ve been feeling a sense of loss as well.’ Such exchanges are vital for both partners to feel seen and heard.

Listening without judgment is essential. When your partner shares their feelings, whether they are sad, angry, or confused, aim to listen without judgment. Instead of immediately offering solutions or trying to change their feelings, acknowledge what they’re experiencing. A response like, “It’s okay to feel this way; I’m here for you,” can be incredibly reassuring and validates their emotions.

Validating Each Other’s Concerns

You and your partner may experience the aftermath of abortion differently, and that’s completely okay. What matters is validating each other’s emotions.

Validation means acknowledging and accepting your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective. It’s about showing respect for how they feel. Remember, there’s no ‘right’ way to feel in this situation. You might be ready to move forward, while your partner may need more time to process their emotions—and that’s normal.

Take time to recognize these differences. For instance, if your partner says, ‘I feel guilty about the decision,’ you could respond, ‘I understand why you feel that way, and I’m here for you,’ or ‘I can see how tough this is for you.’

Empathy is key. Try to see things from your partner’s point of view—your empathy can bridge the gaps between you and strengthen your bond as you go through this together.

Seeking Support When Needed

It’s completely okay to admit when you need help. Emotions can run deep, and sometimes you and your partner may benefit from the support of a counselor to guide you through the healing process. Therapy provides a neutral space where both of you can express yourselves freely and work through any unresolved feelings together.

Counseling can also equip you with practical tools to navigate the complex emotions that come with an abortion. For example, therapists often encourage couples to prioritize reconnection—not just emotionally, but physically as well. Simple activities like spending quality time together, going for walks, or cooking a meal can help restore that sense of closeness and strengthen your bond. Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, and it can pave the way for a healthier relationship.

Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Relationship

Keep Communication Open: Check in with each other regularly. Even if things seem fine, it’s always a good idea to ask how your partner is feeling. These regular check-ins help prevent misunderstandings from building up.
Be Patient with Intimacy: After an emotionally charged experience, it’s normal for intimacy to feel different. Don’t rush it. Focus on small gestures of connection, like holding hands or simply sitting together. These small acts can help rebuild emotional closeness over time.
Support Each Other: The weight of cultural or religious expectations can sometimes make things feel heavier. It’s important to stand together as a couple and support each other against outside pressures. Surround yourselves with people who respect your decisions.
Be Honest About Your Needs: You and your partner should feel comfortable expressing what you need—whether that’s more emotional support, time alone, or reassurance. When both of you are clear about your needs, it prevents misunderstandings.
Use ‘I’ Statements: When communicating, use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, say, ‘I feel sad when…’ instead of ‘You make me feel sad when…’.
Avoid Assumptions: Do not assume what your partner is going through, instead ask questions to understand his or her perspective better.

A Shared Journey

Abortion is a shared decision that affects both partners. It’s not just a medical procedure; it’s an emotional journey that can shape the future of a relationship. By creating a space of mutual respect, honesty, and compassion, couples can not only survive the experience but thrive beyond it.

Healthy relationships after an abortion come from a place of openness. They are built on understanding each other’s feelings and being there for one another, no matter how challenging the path may be. It’s not about one person carrying the burden; it’s about walking through it together.

Ultimately, abortion doesn’t have to define a relationship — it can be a moment that strengthens it, as long as both partners commit to supporting and understanding each other.