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Cheating and infidelity

Cheating means breaking the rules you have agreed on in a committed relationship. Usually cheating refers to sexual infidelity or adultery.

If you're making out or having sex with someone outside of your committed relationship, it means you’re cheating on your partner.

Cheating doesn’t always have to be sexual. Sometimes cheating is on an emotional level. When someone shares intimate thoughts with a person who’s not their partner, it’s called emotional cheating.

Cheating of any form can cause a lot of sorrow in relationships and can even lead to break-up or divorce.

Find out more about cheating in our Cheating: top five facts.

Why do people cheat?

There are many reasons why people cheat on their partners. You might cheat if you don’t love your partner any more, if sex isn’t satisfying, if your partner has cheated on you in the past, or if you feel neglected or under-appreciated.

Lying to your partner about your affairs can be a stop-gap arrangement, but it’s very likely that sooner or later your partner will discover the truth. If you feel guilty about having cheated and don't want to end your relationship, confessing might be an option. You could also keep quiet about what happened, although the lack of honesty could put a strain on your relationship.

If you've cheated and decided you want to end it with your partner, there are two options – to confess your behaviour and say goodbye or to hide your infidelity and say you want to break up for other reasons.

Is your partner cheating on you?

If you know your partner well and have had a close, long-term relationship, you can often tell when something’s not right. You might notice that they’ve begun spending a lot more time at work, they have less time for you and your family, start taking calls in private, and seem less committed to doing things with you. Maybe they're paying attention to their looks, and they appear confused and detached. When you ask them if anything's wrong, they shrug off your question.

Finding out that your partner’s been cheating on you can be a traumatic experience. It can seriously damage the trust between the two of you and could even lead to a break-up, separation, or divorce. You might spend days, weeks, or months wondering what you did wrong and why this happened.

But don't blame yourself – take some time to calm down and think about your relationship.

Whether you want to stay with your partner depends on a number of things. Is your partner willing to go on? If they are, what will it take for them to regain your trust? Will your trust in them ever be restored? How can you start rebuilding your relationship?

The answers may not be simple, but give these questions some thought and it might help you decide on the right path to take.

Comments
hi, I have been with my boyfriend for 3years now. he had his first love who later went to the covenant and she is a nun now.today, I found messages in his phone with the nun on how hot sex they had yesterday. right now am confused. how do I confront him? is that real cheating considering that she is a nun? what do I do?
I have been in a relationship with a lady for 3 years now. Things were OK until I begin noticing her reluctant attitude towards things that we both enjoyed doing and all the time she is accusing me of cheating so I decided to watch carefully recently I found out that she is secretly dating her ex -guy I questioned her she denied it but later the ex-boyfriend called me over him noticing my call so much we did talk well as guys. I later asked her she denied and it became an argument between us before she did agree and ask me to give her time. After a month I asked what is still going on but she told me nothing but just the next day I find out they are still hanging out
Hi...I hve bn dating a guy for three years n its known to his parent but not mine...last month I learnt he has been cheating on me with a certain lady, I asked the girl to come over which she did and the guy threw me out of his house-they spent together that night n yt another...now the guy is back to me and wants us to work things out...I still feel the pain of what he did to me but still I love him much...pliz help what shud I do?
Hi Gladys, Sorry that this is happening to you. You really need to take time and think about this. Do not be in a rush to act on emotions. Love sometimes is not enough to keep a relationship. You need to ask yourself several questions like, do you still trust him? can you forgive him? what will stop him from cheating again? I know they are difficult questions but they are also very necessary for your decision making. Think about it and make a choice. All the best.
My hubby has be cheating on me for quite a while but used to deny that, recently I so some pics of a necked girl on my matrimony bed. When I showed him the nude pics he started crying and ask me to forgive n that he has changed. But I don't feel comfortable with him any more but he is my husband. What can I do?
Hi Joy, Sorry that you are going through this in your relationship. Finding out that your partner’s been cheating on you can be a traumatic experience. It can seriously damange the trust between the two of you and could even lead to a break-up, separation or divorce. You might spend days, weeks or months wondering what you did wrong and why this happened. But don't blame yourself - take some time to calm down and think about your relationship. Whether you want to stay with your partner depends on a number of things. Is your partner willing to go on? If they are, what will it take for them to regain your trust? Will your trust in them ever be restored? How can you start rebuilding your relationship? The answers may not be simple, but give these questions some thought and it might help you decide on the right path to take.
Hii,,i have been dating this guy for 2years now,,we broke up,,in between i was told that he had sex with my best friend which i am not sure of,,,we solved our differences and got back together cz i love him soo much,,,now i saw on his facebook account calling this lady "sweetheart "but when i ask him,he says that its nothing,,,i feel bad cz i even witnessed the messengers on his watsaap but when i ask him he become too harsh...what should i do because i love him
What should i do since my relationship is breaking,,,i can't stand losing him..i love him soo much but i have done him soo many wrong,,he is just tired of me but claims that i will still remain to be the one he loves,,,i can't take being far from him
Hi Shello, Sorry that this is happening but it sounds like you already know what the problem is. If you have been wronging him its up to you to do right by him and change your ways while you still have the chance. Its not a guarantee that this will save your relationship but its a good place to start.
Hii we broke up today...i have been unfaithful to him but i stopped immediately bae realized,,,he has been giving me chances but yesterday he told me that his heart is tired...is there any hopes of winning him back again cz he claim to love me soo much and i do love him too
Hi, This could be difficult to hear but, unless you have a way to get him back, he can only give you a chance if he decides to. Take time off to evaluate your life and the mistakes you've made. If he gives you a chance that's well and good, but if he doesn't you need to know how to move on and be a better version of yourself. Here is an article that can help https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/after-the-break-up .
hi ... I've been dating this guy for 4 yrs I found out he was cheating on me last yr July we almost broke up but he begged for me to give him another church in august I found out he was cheating on me in February with some gal she kept lieing to me was her cousin whenever I asked why she was texting .. we argued about this for a very long time but since I love him I decided to GI e him another chance.. last Saturday I managed to ritriv all his calls since may to October and I found out that he has cheated on me four tyms with 4 different ladies according to the conversations I listened to he had even had physical romance with some of them I'm not sure the extent they got but what I know is he claimed that he cheated with the 1st 2 bcz we had drama around may/June but then there was this gal they cheated till October 2nd and at that time we don't have any issues .. we have been trying to talk but the conversations I head can't get of my head I keep asking myself why I had to go thru all this and if my fate with this guy is positive
Hi Debz, It sounds like you are going through a tough time. Its never easy when someone breaks your trust by cheating on you. You just need to take time and think about what you want for yourself. You need to make up your mind whether that is the kind of relationship you want to be in or you would want to move on. You need to be objective and try to not reason with emotions alone because as you have learned , Love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. Learn more here https://lovematters.co.ke/news/cheating-top-five-facts .
Hi my story is such. I got married to the father of my child on 5.11.16 after 6 years together. I'm 17.12.16 I found a used condom wrapper in his wardrobe. Our situation is because of work we live in two different provinces. Hence he us all the time to cheat on me. When I approached him he denied it point blank which I was expecting. I asked for an explanation which he couldn't give me. Note this man has his own flat. Then he accused me of planting the condom in his wardrobe. I asked to see his phone which he refused. I'm saying of you innocent like you say you are why then is he hesitating for me to see the phone only one conclusion GUILT. I know I might be acting hastily but I want out. Never in my vows did I agree to be cheated on this was not part and parcel of the package Pls help
If u re finding it difficult to cope nd its affecting ur daily activities,dat shows its unhealthy to remain in such relatioship.bt ladies find it diffcult to dump d man dey av lovd i think u shud discuss wt him nd fill d gap,ur relatioshp is mre important dan ur job...
x that is not a relationship worth being into, because its vry diffult to form an intimate relationship with a chic who sleps with different men
I am currently in a relationship and my gf doesn’t trust me. What should I do, we have talked about this with her brother and mom,but so far there is no indication of future trust. She has a kid with me and. I am so lost in confusion. Kindly help
Hey Salim, You have to talked to her mother and brother, but have you talked to her? Have you talked about where these trust issues are coming from so you can address the issues... Trust is important for any relationship and without trust it maybe challenging to have a fulfilling relationship. Find a good time and talk about where this could be coming from so you find a solution. Check out the following article for more information:- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems
Hello Mr love matters l have been in love with this guy for a couple of months.A month ago he claims that his ex girlfriend has gone to their home with a kid claiming that the kid is his and she wont go away unless married to him his parents agrees with that lady on his side he says he not marrying her because we are in love.l dont even how to handle this because nowadays he has cut communication as usual bt when l call to give the way forward he keeps quiet
Hi Glenda. Perhaps you nee to give him time to address those issues before you go any further with him. There is little you can do in this situation. He needs to address the issues with his ex before your relationship can go forward. After this you can then decide how to proceed whether the child id his or not. We wish you well.
i cheated on my lover after sometimes he realised it but i still love him and he also does so because he continues texting me and calling me but then the problem is how iam i going to make him trust me once .again .i did so bcoz he failed me on the day i didnt expect him todo so
Jealousy/ total insecurity. How do you handle a man who is so insecure to a point of being jealous of your success. And goes to an extend of obstructing success in your business. To a state of enjoying when you are unstable? Is this really love?
Hello Amber, It is unfortunate insecurity on the part of your partner has pushed this far. Do you know where this insecurity is coming from? Have you talked about it to atleast find a solution? You need to think about which kind of a partner you want to be with, a person that celebrates your success even challenges you to achieve more or one who is insecure and work against your progress and success. Take time think about it and make an informed choice. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-top-five-facts
My boyfriend has been cheated on me many times and I always forgive him but he keeps repeating the same. I love him. What should I do?
Hi Beryl, You need to think about whether this is the kind of relationship you want to have. If he keeps cheating on you he doesn't respect you and you need to decide if you want to continue being with him. If he is unable to stop and commit to your relationship, it maybe time to break up. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up
Simon mulandi
Thu, 11/09/2017 - 09:47
I have a very beautiful wife but and love her yet I keep sleeping with young ladies and married women.I have tried to stop this behavior but it has become too hard.I like women so much and having sex with varieties.what should I do to stop this,?help me
Hi Simon, You need to think about what you could be looking for or missing in the other relationship that pushes to seek it in others. You can then try and make your relationship as fulfilling so that you don't have to look for it out there. A behavior that one picks up or learns along the way can also be unlearnt. Take deliberate steps to change, avoid triggers or situations that may expose or lead you to want to have sex with other people. The change may not be instant but you can small steady steps toward the desired change.
Hi Prossy, Have you talked about the future of your relationship? You need to think bout the kind of partner you want now and in the days to come and also the kind of relationship you want to have. You can then make a decision on the way forward. Remember, he is cheating with you on his wife and nothing perhaps may stop him from doing this with another.
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