Two hands on the verge of separation
(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

How to break up

If you’re the one who wants to break up with your partner, delivering the message can be tough.

But when your relationship has sunk to unhealthy depths, there might be no option but to call it quits.

Here are some tips to help you:

Do your homework.

Know the reasons why you’re breaking up, because if your partner isn’t expecting this piece of bad news from you, you’ll end up doing a lot of explaining. So it’s good to go well-prepared. It also gives you an opportunity to reflect on your thoughts and see if a break up is what you really, really want.

Do it in person.

Do not break up over email, SMS, or telephone, unless the situation demands it. Meeting someone for the last time before the relationship ends can offer a good way of closure, which is psychologically important to move on.

Do it in a place that’s comfortable for your partner.

A crowded restaurant with a lot of strangers around might be intimidating. Pick a place that makes them feel safe enough to express their emotions.

Be honest.

Don’t lie to your partner when you’re about to end the relationship. Tell them exactly what you felt was wrong in the relationship. This might be harsh on them but equally important for them to learn. At least they’d know where it all went wrong.

Don’t be cruel.

Break ups are terrible any way. So don’t go out of your way to make it more hurtful. Remember that you were once in love with this person. Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be vindictive and cruel. Try to deliver your truthful words in a nice package.

Don’t be ambiguous.

Don’t leave your partner in doubt. If you don’t mean it, don’t tell them something like, 'it’s not working out now, but it might work out another time.' That would wrongly make them hopeful.

Be prepared for the worst reaction.

Being dumped is perhaps one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. So don’t be surprised if your partner starts shouting or cries or argues or just storms out on you. Be calm.

Don’t waver.

Once you’ve made up your mind about breaking up, don’t change it. Your partner might convince you to give it 'one last chance' but unless there’s any real reason why you should buy that argument, don’t fall for it. Stick to your guns.

You will find more tips under Breaking up: do's and don'ts.

Comments
I have been dating 2 girls, just got to know one is pregnant for me. I love the other girl who is not pregnant more. The pregnant girl now wants to move in with me, introduce me to her parents and she also wants to meet my mom. I am confused I don't know what to do?

Hey Drake, you have to come clean to both girls, if you don’t it will come out at some point and it maybe challenging to manage it then. It depends on how they feel about this that will determine the next cause of action. For instance, they may both not be willing to remain in a relationship with you, one of them maybe willing to keep the relationship or even both, at which point you have to decide how to proceed. Take time, think about the different possible outcomes and then make a decision on how to proceed. Remember, you don’t have to move in with her or marry her since she is pregnant for you but you definitely need to be clear about how you will support her and participate in the raising of the child after birth. Find a good time and be honest with both of them to better address the issues. 

Had a messy break up with my fiance of 3 years. He was a cheat. Had invested soo much in the relationship I don't think I can ever move forward.

Hey Hellen, so sorry about this. The unfortunate truth about relationships is that not all of them will last a lifetime, you may have put in your very best effort but you are not responsible for the choices your ex made. This was not your fault. He cheated on you, broke the rules of your relationship and it had to end. All you can do now is to move on. It is tough, it hurts and it may feel difficult to move forward but gets better with time, time heals. Give yourself time, take each day at a time, and eventually you will get over this and perhaps be ready to get into a new relationship. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

Hey GG, if you just broke up, maybe you need to take some time before getting into a new relationship. You may end up carrying issues from a previous relationship into a new one. Also, we are not a dating service and for this reason we are not able to help you meet someone. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

I have tried to break up with my girlfriend but she has refused to move on. She comes to my place unannounced, she even treated my female friend telling her that she is my girlfriend. I don't know what else to do I have been nice I have tried to be nasty but she still insists on the relationship...

Hey Leo, sounds like this has been frustrating for you. If you have been clear and firm about the break up but she still insists, you may have to resort to more drastic measures particularly because this may stop you from getting into a new fulfilling relationship. The drastic changes may include moving houses among other measures that will help deny her access to you. Be firm about your decision, you dont have to be cruel toward her seeing that she may still be in love with you and this is why the break up is tough for her. Have a look at this article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/breaking-up-dos-and-donts

Beatrice mwanthi
Tue, 03/19/2019 - 18:06
Hi friends have been in a relationship for 2yrs and we have a kid BT after giving birth this guy doesn't pick ma calls not even replying ma texts not unless he wants to date mi,,,have been confused in this relationship yet I love her BT I have no option to do help me please

Hello Beatrice,it is important you talk with the father of your child about your relationship. You need to agree on how to proceed. You need to agree on whether you have a relationship or not including how he will participate in raising the child you have together. You also need to decide what you want moving forward and whether you are happy having him only call you for dates. We wish you well. 

Help me I fell in love with a guy about year ago who appeared to be single and I just found out he is married though he says they separated months ago. He has two kids with his ex. I just dont want to be caught up in the drama with his ex. I want to quit.

Hey Flora, you may want to start by establishing his current relationship status. Is he together with his wife, are they separated and what does the future of his relationship with his wife look like. More importantly, you need to decide who want for a partner now and in the future. Ask yourself if he fits the kind of person you want ask you make a decision on how to proceed. We wish you well. 

I have been with my husband for six years ad he started cheating on me ad when I ask he just say it's just a friend ad I can't judge him coz I love him so I believe what he says but every Tym I go to where he works I meet him wid this gal ad am confused coz my man even treat me lyk am just for the sake ad even he comes home late he even beat me up so I left him ad went back home to my mum I have one child ad I can't believe dat leaving him I love him buh I want to break up wat am I going to do

Dear Cynthia, so sorry about this. Did you go back to him or you are still at your mother’s place? It appears that he no longer respects you especially if he is cheating on you and more importantly because he beat you. You need to make that difficult decision of breaking up with him, it is a difficult decision because you still love him. You need to think about whether you want to be with a person who treats you this way. If not, let him know you decision. Have a look at the following articles for more tips;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/sexual-harassment/intimate-partner-violence-top-facts

 

I had a bad disagreement with my fiance and we had to broke up. Now I miss him so much I am thinking of calling him maybe we have our relationship back. Should I?

Debbie, I am sorry for what you went through. Break up is never easy especially considering the circumstances at which it happened. The decision to call him or not is all yours. However you may want to ask yourself few questions; what do want if he picks his phone, what was the reason for breakup, is the issue resolvable, what if he does not pick you call, what if he picks but does not want the relationship back? Think about this and make an informed decision. 

Hey Tommie, it is normal to feel this way soon after a break up depending on the reasons for the break up and especially if you are still in love with the person. To get back together, your ex needs to be willing as well. Also, you need to think about what led to the break up in the first place and whether the issue or issues have since been resolved. Take sometime and think about whether it is possible to resolve the issues that led to the break up and the reach out to your ex to see if they are willing to get back with you. Remember, she may have already moved on or just not interested in getting back with you. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-can-i-get-back-my-ex

Hi Salome, breaking up with a person you are still in love with can be challenging. If you, however,  have determined that a relationship will not work and that breaking up is the only option, you need to be honest with your partner and clear about your reasons for wanting to break up. It is important that you are firm about this decision but you don't have to be cruel toward your partner. Try find a good time and a good place to communicate your decision. All the best. 

My name is dasola
Mon, 04/29/2019 - 12:49
I just got married but I'm not happy with my marriage because before I got married he rent three bedroom flat two lady collect one room remain two room he promised me there going to live after marriage till now they are not live if I say anything about them my husband will up set with me

Hi Dasola, what relationship does your husband have with the two ladies? I can imagine how frustrating this is especially for your young marriage. It is important that you talk about this with your husband to be able to find a solution that is acceptable to you both. You can also consider having someone your partner respects to talk with him about so you can find a solution. Have a look at the following article for more tips on how to communicate;-  https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner

I decided to visit without warning after all we had been dating for close to one year. I found him red handed having sex with another lady. I could not believe my eyes. He said it was a mistake and has been apologising since, sending flowers to my office every few days, many many texts. I told him to give me time but he doesn't want to stop apologising. I have been through this again and the guy cheated again. I I just can go through this again yet I don't know if I want to start a new relationship again. I need help to decide...

Hi Lucy, so sorry about this. You partner broke the rules of your relationship by cheating on you. There is no way to predict the future, whether or not he will cheat again or he will remain faithful to you. You need to make a decision which only you can make. Take sometime and think about whether you want to trust him again and whether you want to give him another chance. To give him another chance you will need to accept his apology and forgive him. If on the other hand you do not feel you can trust him again it maybe time for you to break up. Take sometime and think about what you want moving forward and then make a decision which you will also need to communicate to him. Have a look at the following articles form more information;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/guide-to-recovery-for-the-cheated

 

We recently got back together but the same thing that made us split has happened again. I love this guy but I am now convinced we are not going anywhere, he can't change.

Hi Sophy, there is no way to tell the future but if this is happening again you need to take sometime and think about what you want moving forward considering this same thing had led to a break up in the past. Do you want to give him another chance? If not, it is time to break up. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

Hi, if you don't share in those feelings the only option for you is to break up. If you don't feel the same way and you want to break up, do let them know of your decision, be clear and firm about your decision. Remember, you don't have to be cruel, just be honest about how you feel. See the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-to-break-the-news-when-breaking-up

Hi Makena, this really depends on the person or people in the relationship since what is important to one person may not be to another. It is important for one to think about what their limits are and what they are able to take or not take in a relationship. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

Hi team. I met with this new guy after there's a little conflict between I and my man for about months. Now my man came begging me with his reasons why he reacted the way he did and I see his reason are genuine. I wanted to break 💔 up with this new guy and don't know how to make it. I'm confused

Hi Eknor, if you want to get back with your ex, you will have to first break up with a new guy. It is important to however, ensure you have resolved the issues that made you separate in the first place. The way to break up is to be honest with him, be honest but also remember not to be cruel and do it in person. You have no way of controlling how he will react, but prepared for a negative reaction. also, choose a venue and time that you are comfortable with. have a look at the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-to-break-up 

I broke up with my bf 2 months ago because we were not working. I still have feelings for him. should I approach him to restore the relationship? He said he still loved me when we broke up.

Hi Serah, if you still have feelings and you also think he could still be in love with you and there is a chance you might get back together do approach him to see if he is interested. It is important to however ensure you have addressed the reasons that led to you breaking up in the first place. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/how-can-i-get-back-my-ex

Angela Mo
Fri, 08/02/2019 - 12:18
My ex broke up with me three months ago for reasons I did not understand. Though I accepted I am still inlove with him I still call and text many times he does not reply then I insult before apologizing. I desperately want him back but I donot know how to get him back what should I do? I have begged and apologized over and over again but does not want to talk to at all. Please help me.

Hi Angela, it appears as your ex is not willing to get back with you. There is really not much you can do to make him get back with you, you seen to have done all you could. You have apologized more than once but he still won’t talk to you. It is tough since you still love him, but all you can do now is to allow yourself to move. This is a process that may take time but eventually you will move on and perhaps even get into a new fulfilling relationship. Have a look at the following article for tips on coping with a break up;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up

I have broken up with him but he has refused to let me go. He still texts and calls all the time and says I am the only girl he can date. He is very abusive I had to walk away. I don't know what else to do to keep him off my back...

Hi Stella, moving on from a break up can be challenging especially if one is still in love and also how partners broke up. If the calls and texts are bothering you, you may have to take more drastic measures that may include blocking him from accessing you through your phone number or changing your phone number. You may also need to be clear about the fact that you are no longer together and are not interested in a relationship or even communication.

Hi there, it is difficult to predict the future. A person may or may not change and for this reason you have to think about whether you want to take a chance with them or not. This is a decision only you can make, take sometime and think about whether you wish to give them another chance or not. If not, it maybe time to break up. Check out this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up

Hello Joy, it is normal to still feel attracted to your ex even long after breakup. However you need to decide what you want with your life; do you want to continue having feelings for someone who moved on or do you want to take care of yourself and find love once again? Check these two articles for insights on how to deal with your ex: https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/getting-over-your-ex-dos-and-donts and https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/dealing-with-your-ex

 

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