Woman sexily whispering something in her partner's ear
(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

Sexy talk: keeping things fun

Whispering, moaning or sighing sexy things in bed can be a real turn on – if you do it well. But it can quickly become a turn-off if you aren’t careful.

It might seem a bit silly or even intimidating at first, but sexy talk – also called dirty talk – can be a great form of foreplay. You can turn each other on before you even get to the bedroom (or wherever you end up choosing to have sex).

You don’t have to be in bed to talk dirty. You can do it on the phone, texting, chatting online or in person while you are out and about.


It’s crucial to get the timing right.

You don’t want to send your partner a steamy and suggestive message while they are in a meeting with their boss.

So if you use your phone, make sure you have an idea of where they are and who they are with. If you are with them, read their body language and see how they react; dirty talk while at their parent’s house might make them very uncomfortable.

Go slow

Don’t start straight out with hardcore dirty talk. It might be best to ask your partner what they are comfortable with. It’s good to lay out the rules before you get on with it.

At the same time, you yourself need to feel confident enough to share what your thoughts on sexy talk are.

Once your cards are on the table, both of you will feel more comfortable and safe with experimenting.

It can be difficult to approach your partner with sexy words if you’ve both never done it before. Sending them a text or chat message can take the pressure away from doing it in person.

Perhaps try: 'Can’t stop thinking about the great sex we had last night.' If they respond openly and take the talk further, you will get an idea whether they might be up for it.

Give compliments

Compliments are a pretty fail-safe way to talk start talking dirty.

Who wouldn’t like hearing a moaned ‘I love what you are doing’?

Positive feedback is great and is an easy beginning to taking the conversation further. Compliments can also act as encouragement if you want your partner to do something more often.

Be descriptive

The easiest way to turn up the heat in bed is to describe what you’re doing to your partner or what you’re going to do to them. Telling them 'Now I’m going to kiss you all over' or 'I’m going to come inside you' is almost certain to arouse them.

You can also share your fantasies with them, for example: 'What do you think about you and me on the living room couch without any clothes on?’ Asking questions is definitely going to make your partner feel more involved and will also give them the chance to say no if they are not up to something.

Choose your words wisely

You can easily get carried away with dirty talk and what might seem harmless to you could end up hurting your partner’s feelings. So choose your words carefully.

When you get the feeling that you’ve used a wrong word, just step back and ask your partner if that was crossing the line. If yes, apologise.

At the same time, if your partner says something you don’t necessarily fancy, let them know politely that it wasn’t okay.

And of course, if your partner says something you don’t want to do, you can always say no.  



Did you learn something new?


Hey Timo, it may help to not start straight out with hardcore dirty talk. It might be best to ask your partner what they are comfortable with. It’s good to lay out the rules before you get on with it. Start with finding out what your partner thinks and establish some rules that will work for you. If it doesn't work for you and your partner then it maybe a good idea not to go there all together. 

I want to introduce my partner to a sex a sex toy I found and bought online. I have had it for weeks I just don't know how to bring this subject up without risking offending my partner. How do you think I should do it?

Hey Joe, perhaps you should start getting to know what your partners opinion of sex toys before introducing the actual sex toy. This will give a chance to get to know whether they are interested or not, and if they are not interested you will have a chance to address any issues they may have. Lastly, you can agree on how to include the sex toy in your sex life. Be open to the fact that your partner may not be interested in sex toys or they may just not be interested in the particular sex toy you already bought. We wish you all the best. Check out the following article for more tips;- 



Wed, 12/05/2018 - 09:23 am
I am bored with my sex life. I have been married for 7 years with 2 children. My wife just lays there no response or anything. Aside from that we have sex very few times. I feel starved I am on the brink of cheating, help!

Hi, have you talked about this with your wife? It is important to keep talking about sex especially when such begins to happen. Having been together this long it is possible to begin to feel sex has become or is becoming a routine. Find a good time and talk with your partner about sex, talk about what you have observed, what it is you want and also have her share with you what she likes or wants during sex. Check out the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/bored-in-bed

Hi Moreen, indeed talking about sex can be challenging especially when the other person says they don't like it. But it maybe useful to find out what the underlying issues for him not liking the sex are. This may help in find a solution thereby improving the experience for you and your husband. Check out the following article for additional tips on talking about sex;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

Hey Jasmine, talking about sex helps to improve the experience for both partners. It therefore important that partners do find a way to talk about sex in their relationship from time to time, to improve the experience and the relationship as a whole. Check out the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

Sun, 02/03/2019 - 04:47 pm
Hi,am in serious relationship with my girl but everytime told her I want sex,she use to refuse,she also saying she is scared of doing it and I don't want to be cheated on her...this may set me to look for another option CU's I love sex.....

Hi Highness, it is important to respect your girlfriend's choice of not wanting to have sex at this point of the relationship. You may want to find out what her reasons are, but you will still to respect her choice. If you do care about her, you will wait until she is ready. If you are unable to wait, you may want to break up and go on to meet someone new who may be willing to have sex. 

hi, am single and i was wondering wether i get a friend, so, if there's anyone out there who can help out i will be obliged. am truly sorry if my comment is offensive.

Hi Shan, it is possible to have sex for the first time and not bleed, when one is well prepare and relaxed during intercourse. On the other hand the hymen may already have been stretched at the time one is having intercourse hence no pain or bleeding. Was sex painful the the second time? There a re a number of reasons that can cause pain and bleeding, have a look at this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/painful-sex-time-to-listen-up

Love Matters
Wed, 08/26/2020 - 02:37 pm

Hi Daniel, 

welcome to Love Matters Africa. We provide honest information about Love, Sex, and Relationships. Feel free to ask any question and we shall be more than glad to respond to you.

Love Matters Team

Hello Anonymous, thank you for getting in touch with us and we are so sorry you are going through a hard time. It is important to remember that no one has the right to force you to do anything that you do not want to do with your body. It is yours and you have every right to decide what you want to do with it, alright? This is something your partner should understand and should not let you feel pressured or emotionally coerced into. 

Love Matters
Sun, 01/03/2021 - 03:18 pm

Hi Liz, first and foremost, thank you so much for getting in touch with us, and happy new year! To answer your question, there are many things one can do to get turned on. Foreplay is everything that gets you in the mood for sexual intercourse… Kissing is foreplay. Flirting and intimate conversations are foreplay. Click here to find out more: 


Hi Kccc, 

Love Matters is not a dating or hook-up site. Luckily, we can give you tips on how to get with a girl you like: 9 helpful tips for talking to someone you like. Read this article. Also, read about how to know she's the right one for you: 8 signs you're with the right partner. Good luck with your search! Also, enjoy the pool sex when you find her. 

Hi Kiki, 

By trying new things! Do not be afraid to try out new styles or things you have never tried before. Monotony often makes sex boring and too ordinary. The trick is to get your partner excited about new experiences but if they are okay with it, then you should be good to go. E.g have sex somewhere else other than the bedroom, try quickies if you haven't, so something romantic like lighting candles or wearing lingerie, sexting, try new positions, sex toys, etc. Whatever you do, be open to a different way of doing things. Discover things about your sexual self that you never knew!

Add new comment


  • Allowed HTML tags: <a href hreflang>