Kink: 50 shades of learning new things
What’s BDSM? Being tied up in a dungeon somewhere, getting your buttocks beaten whilst a person in a leather catsuit screams obscenities at you?
Myths and misconceptions
When people think of bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism (BDSM), they either have visions of Fifty Shades of Grey or envision scenes from Criminal Minds. This is caused by the mass misunderstanding of what kink is as a sexual practice, with few being privy to the intricate nature that goes into BDSM.
My own misconceptions (and belief in my ridiculously low pain threshold) held me back from a wealth of sexual wisdom for a long time. Kink (and BDSM) is a world filled with things such as subs and doms, candle play, knife play, safe words, sexual contracts, and conscious conversations about wants, limits, and desires. There are contracts that could rival an application for a loan at a bank; but you know by the time anyone finished filling out that monster, everyone will know exactly what they are getting themselves into.
Consent is key
People don’t understand that consent is always an ongoing negotiation. People love to use consent that was given at the start of the act. Or, in some cases, consent that is ages old and cold. Some even attempt to get it later, as if one can get consent on lay-by.
One key part of kink/BDSM is that of consent.
Taking part in numerous conversations with various kinksters (as those who practice kink are called), you learn that the notions behind the working of BDSM are often the most enticing.
People are navigating ideas of pleasure through this medium draped in pain, learning how to identify and articulate the sex that they want, while creating the space for their partners to do the same.
No surprises
This is especially the case when it comes to women who are given the ability to properly engage with ideas of bodily and sexual agency; because kink is based on a series of express decisions on what shall occur to make sex hot and happening. There are no ‘sneaking a finger into your butt‘-surprises in these interactions. Unless this was expressly requested beforehand – then it’s totally okay.
Conversations about kink taught me that often very little talk is happening about sexual engagement. These are much-needed conversations. Depictions of sex have taught society that things simply flow – which is really not the case.
That’s how people get themselves into award situations: not having open and honest conversations about sex. It is also how people have bad sex.
Great sex takes conversation, consideration and, above all, consent — which is missing in an alarmingly high number of ‘go with the flow’ scenarios.
It can make your sex life healthier
Now, this is not to say that everyone should take part in this sexual practice. Consent is key and everything is not for everyone, but a brief foray into the nature of this sexual practice can expose some holes in one’s own sexual thinking. It can highlight how we speak and engage with sex in a haphazard way.
Kink is a means by which women can negotiate sexual agency and manoeuvre in the minefield of sexual power in a healthy and holistic way.
It is not simply about painting a room red and black and whipping out, well, a whip. There is a great deal more that goes into this sexual act that could inform what you do in your bedroom, whether it is covered in red and black leather or not.
Do you think a bit of kink can make your sex life healthier? Join the discussions on Facebook today!
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Its mi pleasure to be hear
Its mi pleasure to be hear
You are welcome Kirangwa.
You are welcome Kirangwa.