ask shangazi caricature — Emanuele del Rosso

It takes two to tango

“I’ve been masturbating to keep pleasure in my life, as I was single. Now I’m worried that I won’t be able to orgasm when having sex with my new man.”

I would like to thank you very much for recognizing that this could be a problem in your future relationship. And that you are actively trying to seek a solution beforehand. I wish more young people would be as proactive, to avoid heartache later.

Masturbation has gained popularity over the years, to a large extent due to the HIV/AIDS epidemic.
The digital era, where people socialize less, has also contributed.

We now have a culture of instant gratification and quick fixes. This has given many young people the illusion that they can take care of all their needs themselves. Until they are challenged with the prospects of marriage. As the saying goes: it takes two to tango.

The issue of how to move from self-gratification to mutual bliss is not just confined to young women. Men, too, are confronted with this dilemma. Unlike women, they cannot easily fake the signs of pleasure. It’s more obvious if he can’t sustain an erection, can’t ejaculate or has premature or delayed ejaculation.

It’s my hope that you are not addicted to self-love. Masturbation, just like alcohol and drugs, can be addictive. Some are more prone to serious addiction than others.

The other problem can be that you get used to a highly specialized form of stimulation that most men can’t match or top.

That’s especially true when using toys that vibrate and have customized shapes that aid stimulation of multiple spots. And that can lead to women not getting a big ‘O’. There are ‘rabbits’ that will caress the clitoris and G-spot simultaneously; which man can do that?

Imagine a case where, after sex, the woman rushes to the bathroom to ‘finish off’. One day, the man walks in on her doing her thing. As you can imagine, this can cause insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy and having been cheated on.

Healing process

Having said that, there are practical things you can do. First and foremost, try to stop or at least reduce the frequency of masturbation. Stopping will give the body time to recondition itself and to be more open to new sensations and stimulation.

Educating him

Stopping masturbation and taking time off might be hard for many. Thus educating your man on how to stimulate you is the better option. Teaching him includes what to do where, and speed and pressure to be applied. It also involves a combination of moves that get you there. You could also show him how by touching him the way you would like him to touch you.

Men have big egos so you must use tact when instructing him. You don’t want to be too aggressive or impatient. Affirmation works very well, so comments like; ‘I love it when you touch me all over, especially here’. ‘Yes! I like that, a little lower, oh yeah, now faster’.

Be sure to compliment him on his skills. And more importantly reciprocate by doing the things he loves.

Remember: in a relationship, givers gain. The more you give the more you gain. It’s all about ‘us’ as opposed to ‘me’.

Have you had problems reaching an orgasm during sex after masturbating for a long time? Share your story below or on Facebook, or check in with our forum moderators for advice.