How can I get my ex back?
My ex and I broke up, but I really, really want them back. What should I do?
Let me start by saying that it won’t be easy, and your chance of success is low. There are always reasons for a break-up, and unless those are fixed, getting back together might not be a good idea. Before you get started on mission ‘getting my ex back’, take some time apart. This will help you both heal, and understand and cope with what happened.
Why did you break up?
Was the break-up due to bad habits? Or was it unfaithfulness? Did someone fall out of love, or worse yet, in love with someone else?
It’s also important to look at who broke up with whom. If your ex broke up with you, it may not be possible to fully understand what caused the break-up. It’s possible that they told you something to not hurt your feelings when the real reason was something else.
If you were the one who initiated the break-up, it’s easier to look into your decision and make some necessary changes.
Bad habits
Every break-up is different. You need to look deeply into what caused your break-up. From there, try to find a solution. For example, if it was your excessive drinking that caused the end of your relationship, are you willing to make a change?
You can only make a change if the relationship is more important than whatever habit you are trying to change. If it was your ex-partner’s habits that caused you two to part ways, then you need to consider accepting whatever they have been doing that annoys you. Because you can’t change someone else’s habits.
A lack of love
Things get even more difficult if love just faded away. If your ex-partner simply fell out of love, there is little you can do to convince them to fall back in love with you. You can try to remind them of the wonderful times you had together, and the important role you once played in their life, but chances are slim that that will convince them to start over. And if you broke up because you didn’t love them anymore, you may have hurt them to a point where they won’t trust you again.
If one of you fell in love with someone else, things are even more complicated. Are they still with the new person? Then it’s best to back off – they have chosen someone else. If you left because of someone else, it comes down to trust again: will they trust that they won’t leave them again?
Cheating
No surprise here, but, once again, trust will be the issue. Regardless of who cheated on whom, can you trust each other to not do it again? It takes a lot to get over cheating.
And can you regain the trust you had before the incident happened?
Trust and love
I’m sure you see the crucial element by now: trust. And love. Whatever the reason for your break-up, you need you to regain and rebuild trust for each other. Only then can a relationship work again. And once trust has been rebuild, you have to work on loving each other again. It might be a different kind of love, and things may be different than they were before. You will have to accept this.
Of course, all of this is only possible if your ex-partner is interested in building bridges again.
It’s absolutely possible that they are no longer interested in being with you. You will have to accept that and back off.
In some cases, it may be possible to establish a friendship. In other cases, they may not ever want to have anything to do with you. That may hurt, a lot, but you will have to move on.
Good luck!
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Recent Comments (38)
I stress upp coz of my boy…
I stress upp coz of my boy friend he cheat me with another girl
Hey Triza, so sorry about…
Hey Triza, so sorry about this. Have you talked about this with your partner? Has he apologized for this? This may mean the end of your relationship, but it doesn’t have to if you both wish to make it work. You can’t take responsibility for the actions of your partner, but you now have to make a decision on how you are going to proceed. Think about what you want and then make an informed decision but also take time to heal from this. Check out the following articles;-
https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up
https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/cheating
Mine chooses someone else…
Mine chooses someone else instead of me. I can only back off
Hey Lizz, so sorry about…
Hey Lizz, so sorry about this. If they choose someone else and also move on it means he has since moved on and yes all you can do now is back off. Hopefully after you do heal from this you will mean someone new. Check out this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up
I caught my boyfriend…
I caught my boyfriend cheating over 6months with this girl and I got so mad, but I forgave him and told him to give us time to heal and earn trust. But to my surprise I took 2weeks leave from work to come fix my relationship and I came and met the same girl In his house. Wah should I do??
Hi Perry, so sorry about…
Hi Perry, so sorry about this. It appears that your boyfriend is not as committed to the relationship as you are and this maybe why the cheating has continued. You have to now take sometime and think about what you want so you can make an informed decision. Do you want to give him another chance-this is if he has sought your forgiveness again-or do you want to break up with him? You have to think about whether you can trust him like you did before or not. Check out this article for additional information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/knowing-when-to-break-up
She broke up with me saying…
She broke up with me saying that I don’t control my temper when all I was trying to do was to make her see reason, yeah, I got upset because Wat she did wasn’t good but I didn’t hit her.
Hi Joslee, disagreements are…
Hi Joslee, disagreements are common in a relationship, how partners choose to resolve the disagreements is what makes the difference. It appears in you case that your partner was not happy with how issues were addressed or even discussed. While it is important to pass across your point, it is important that partners listen to each other. Communication that is open and honest, plays a key role in resolving issues when they come up without hurting each other or the relationship. Lastly, one can still have a temper even without things getting physical. It maybe a useful exercise for you to look at this event and think about whether you could have handled the situation differently. Check out this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner
i found out that my…
i found out that my boyfriend has cheated on me with my cousin but now he is apologizing and he want to get back what should i do ….
I’m Emily my boyfriend …
I’m Emily my boyfriend force me to have sex when I was not willing and from there he just went mute on me should I fight for our relationship or let it go
Hi Emily, first the decision…
Hi Emily, first the decision to have sex is a personal decision which means that you should only have sex because you want to and you are ready for it. One shouldn’t be coerced or manipulated into having sex, not even by their boyfriend. By forcing you to have sex, this person shows they don’t respect you neither do they respect your body. Do you want to be with this kind of person? It is important you take sometime and think deeply about the kind of a person you want for a partner, and what your expectations are in a relationship then make a decision as to whether this is worth fighting for. Check out this article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/sexual-harassment/8-signs-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship
Can’t go back what’s done is…
Can’t go back what’s done is done!!!
We do wish you well Tom.
We do wish you well Tom.
Really want my ex back I…
Really want my ex back I have tried everything but she has refused.
Dear HH, perhaps its time to…
Dear HH, perhaps its time to let her go. You can only get back together if you both want to. It seems this is not the case since she is not interested getting back. Break ups are tough, but life has to go on even though this maybe a challenge. Check out this article for more tips on coping with a break up;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up
Great Thank you.
Great Thank you.
You are welcome.
You are welcome.
I choose a guy I met in…
I choose a guy I met in 2week over my bf, my bf called d guy,n told the guy that he loves me, the guy told him to go and get his woman back,d guy call n tell me that he don’t have feelings for me anymore, I makeup wit my bf, and now my bf is more caring and loving. My fear is I don’t know if the both of them are playing me.
Hi Eneh, is there any reason…
Hi Eneh, is there any reason that makes you feel they could be playing you? There is no way to tell if they are playing you, but if you have any suspicion, you can consider talking with your partner so he can assure you.
how can i get my boyfriend…
how can i get my boyfriend back,not really sure that he still love me how can i make him love me back
Hey Lolla, I am not sure you…
Hey Lolla, I am not sure you can make him do anything he doesn’t want to. You can however, reach out to him to se if he is interested in getting back with you. Remember, he may have already moved on and therefore not available to get to back with you, and if this is the case you will have to respect his choice. If you both, however, choose to get back together, it will be important that you begin by addressing and resolving the issues that made you break up in the first place. We wish you all the best.
The guy I’ve been dating…
The guy I’ve been dating flew to another country to work and a few weeks later he began behaving weirdly, we didn’t talk as much as we used to and on asking him he kept saying he was adjusting and that he didn’t know what was wrong with him..I felt like he switched up on me and I broke up with him..we still’talk and he says he misses me but I’m not sure I can trust him. We had no problems..I’d want us to work things but I’m too afraid that our relationship won’t overcome distance.. w
Hey Bee, a relationship…
Hey Bee, a relationship changes when it becomes a long distance relationship especially because of the long periods partners spend apart. These changes may even lead to trust issues in the relationship. For this reason, it is important to think about how tyour relationship will change before going long distance and the decide if this is what you want to. You can still get back together if you both wish to but you will need to begin by addressing the issues that led to the break up first. A long distance relationship can work if both partners are committed to making it work, have a look at the following article for some tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/long-distance-relationships-dos-and-donts
Things were going rough in…
Things were going rough in our relationship, he wouldn’t pick when I call so I decided to confront him to ask him what was going on, I told him I was tired of the ups and downs in the relationship and he replied that if that was the case I knew what to do. Indirectly telling to breakup. I accepted. We had a fight and used a lot of abusive words on ourselves.i was most hurt so I said a lot of I’ll things to him. He texted that it was over. I tried making amends but he doesn’t even want to see me. How do I get over this. Don’t want it to affect me I have an exams
Hey Lala, so sorry about…
Hey Lala, so sorry about this. It is unfortunate that not all relationships will last a life time and even when you do your best sometimes a relationship may not work. When this happens all one can do is to try and move on. It is important that you first accept that your relationship ended, you have done all you can to make amends and if he is unwilling to talk to you will have to respect his choice. Getting over a break up can take time, but time is indeed a healer. The following article provides some tips on coping with a break up;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/coping-with-a-break-up
She is just a disobedient…
She is just a disobedient girl that what cuzd away break up
Hey Cherish, sorry about…
Hey Cherish, sorry about what happened to your relationship. Respect by both parties is an important part of any relationship that will work. See the following article for additional tips that make a relationship work;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/being-in-a-relationship
I really really love this…
I really really love this again
You are very welcome Gold.
You are very welcome Gold.
I have a man and I have a…
I have a man and I have a child with him but during my pregnancy it happened nilimmchukia an akinikol nilikuwa namtusi but when I gave birth it happened I was guilty for what I did I apologized but he was not ready to forgive me…..I asked for the name coz yeye ni mluhya na Mimi ni mmeru but he refused I kol him he dies not pick my kol I feel I still love this man …please help me
Hi there, so sorry about…
Hi there, so sorry about this. Unfortunately, you cannot force him to be with you. It appears you have done everything you can to correct what happened between you but he still doesn’t wish to get back together with you. You will have to respect this choice even though you don’t like it. You however, need to agree on how to proceed when it comes raising and parenting the child you have together. We wish you all the best.
she gave birth to my…
she gave birth to my daughter…weeks later she blocked me. 2months now
Hi Ken, is there a different…
Hi Ken, is there a different way you can try reach her? You need to consider a different way to reach her to get to know what could have made her block you. You can consider using a mutual friend or even relative. All the best.
I have misunderstanding with…
I have misunderstanding with my girlfriend and she slapped me and l slap her back since 1 years ago and we settled t …now she is begging m to break up with her because she not love m since d day l slapped her ….we are on bed some days together now ..today now she said is not more interesting ….and l still love her what can l do ???
Hello Ade, thank you for…
Hello Ade, thank you for reaching out to us and we are sorry you are going through a hard time. Though we understand that she slapped you first, under no circumstance is it ok to slap her, or anyone for that matter, wouldn’t you agree? Two wrongs do not make a right and in the same way you got upset, she is within her right to be just as upset as you, therefore, the best thing you can do is give her space and respect her needs as you would expect her to do the same for you. Also remember that communication is an important part of any relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Explain how their actions are affecting you and the relationship. Try not to be confrontational because that would put them on the defensive and the resulting conversation would not be productive. Be ready to listen to their fears and feelings and respond to them as well.
Hi Stephanie, thank you for…
Hi Stephanie, thank you for reaching out to us and we are so sorry you are going through a hard time. When someone cheats on you, they break the trust you once shared with them and the thing about trust is that it takes a very long time to build but a very short time to break. You mention that he is apologizing, are you willing to rebuild that that trust and do you believe he is willing to prove to you that he is telling you the truth?
I told him to never call me…
I told him to never call me..since he was married and had never told me until the spouse found out about us…but I miss him so much..how can I move on?
Hello Lynn, thank you so…
Hello Lynn, thank you so much for reaching out to us and sharing your experience with us. We are so sorry to hear you have been through such a hard time. Heartbreak can be difficult especially when there is no closure. Although it feels really raw and painful now it will get better.
This article has some great pointers that should help you get through this period.
https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/breaking-up/heartbreak-it-does-get-better