69 sex positions to try before you die

The internet is full of articles telling you to try new sex positions to keep your love life fresh. Why are they all so boring? These news flashes and more in this week’s Sex in the Press.

Taking a position

It’s an easy way to get some hits: simplify a few sexual positions from the Kama Sutra and place them under a headline that promises the world. One example from millions: ‘10 sex positions that will get her off every time’.

It’s true that some of the positions charted out in this ancient Indian text could use some simplifying – watch the hilarious video ‘Indian couples try positions from the Kama Sutra’ as proof of that.

But in general, the whole format has become boring.

A position for every target group

Recently, some publications have tried to resuscitate the genre by applying it to specific target groups. Examples:

Those with a big penis (the key seems to be: lots of foreplay and lots of lube).

Those with a small penis (the key seems to be: lots of foreplay and not to mention a partner’s penis size on social media).

Those who do it in cars (the key seems to be: ‘think outside of the box’).

Those who are Libra (the key seems to be: keep things balanced).

Those who are Canadian (the key seems to be: use the beaver as inspiration).

Those who are lonely (the key seems to be: use your left-hand if you are right-handed).

World’s funniest positions

Perhaps the best way to deal with a tired genre is to make fun of it.

Illustrate it with Lego!

Turn to the animal world for inspiration!

In ‘The 7 most preposterous sexual positions people claim to use’, the author warns against the dangers of having sex while standing up: ‘I can only assume upright sex was invented as a way to shame the weak and enfeebled who are incapable of holding up an entire second person while engaged in coitus. I struggle to keep my mind on not embarrassing myself during most sexual encounters.

The added stress of keeping another body aloft would be far too much, and the end result would likely be my severed dingle and her greatly bruised ass with my foot in it.

Then the author takes on 69: ‘The problem with 69ing is entirely logistical. On paper it sounds awesome – you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours, then later we lick crotches. High-five! But in practice, you’re kneeling and squatting over faces, things don’t line up right, you miss your mark and have breathing issues, one of you forgets to hold up your end of things, a stray testes in the eye detaches a retina, and the list goes on.’

Related: Why do men love doggy style?

Sure, the author may be a bit negative. But at least he’s offering a fresh position on the tired world of sex positions.

What’s your position on sexual positions? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.