Eggplant covered in a condom in front of purple background

Does sex feel better without a condom?

What if your boyfriend can’t orgasm with a condom on? What comes first for you: pleasure or safety? Or can you have both?

Condom: no orgasm for Ken

I had spent the whole weekend mulling over a discussion I had had with my boyfriend of six months. We had taken a few days apart to think through what the next step in our relationship would be considering the ultimatum he had given me. I mean, it hadn’t been finalized that it would be the deal breaker, but it sure felt like it was a do-or-die moment for our relationship.
See, the issue was that my boyfriend, Ken, didn’t want to continue using condoms whilst we had sex. His reason? He couldn’t get an orgasm with them on… or so he claimed.

No infections

During our relationship thus far, condoms had been the primary mode of contraception we used. I had chosen this as it covered the main job of making sure we didn’t get pregnant, but even more so, it kept us protected from spreading any infections.

‘But we have been exclusive for six whole months! I am only having sex with you. If you are being faithful too, what’s the harm in figuring out the pill or another contraception form that isn’t a condom?’ He sounded really frustrated with me during our last conversation. It was more of an argument if we’re being honest.

‘If you’re so big on intrusive processes so you can have a chance to enjoy sex some more, why don’t you get a vasectomy then?’ I retorted.

Rubber or hormones?

I knew I was being ridiculous with the vasectomy suggestion, but I also didn’t appreciate him lightly suggesting that I take on the burden of other contraception methods that would affect my body when I had mentioned on multiple occasions that I wasn’t yet comfortable with hormonal contraceptives.
That wasn’t the main issue at hand for me, however, since I was open to us doing joint research on what may be best in that regard. I was more worried about the possibility of infections. Yes, we had both gotten tested for STIs when we had decided to be intimate sexually with one another.

I was monogamous, and I did trust him, but I generally had doubts about human ability to make sure one doesn’t slip up under all circumstances.

This wasn’t even an issue about me thinking he would cheat, but more of a self-preserving decision where I knew I could only ever control and be sure of my actions, therefore, I had to protect myself in case of any potential incidents.

Pleasure doesn’t need ejaculation

I was at a loss on how to make him understand this. I also didn’t buy the ‘unable to orgasm’ narrative. Yes, it took him a lot longer, and on occasion, he didn’t ejaculate but it’s not like he wasn’t enjoying himself when we had sex. Was his additional pleasure really worth compromising my sexual health and mental health due to taking on anxieties over the same?

At that point, it became clear to me. It was a do-or-die moment for our relationship, and I had never been more certain in my life that the only option was to choose myself. He was going to have to keep it strapped, or find another partner who was open to having sex without a condom.

Yes, Jess! That’s the way to go: ensure that you both stay safe. It’s not worth having sex with a partner who isn’t concerned about your (or their) safety. Do you agree? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook Love Matters Kenya and Naija.

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Recent Comments (18)

  1. I wasted precious minutes…
    I wasted precious minutes reading this.

    1. What makes you feel this way…

      What makes you feel this way Quasar?

  2. Sex feels sweeter without a…
    Sex feels sweeter without a condom but when I don’t know the status of the guy I am with I’d rather be safe than sorry.

    1. Indeed Bree, using condoms…

      Indeed Bree, using condoms each time you have sex keeps you safe and also helps to prevent unplanned pregnancy. 

  3. Yes it does but the fear of…
    Yes it does but the fear of being pregnant & stis i would rather use a condom.

    1. Hey Syvia, the benefits of…

      Hey Syvia, the benefits of using protection out way the pleasure sacrifice if any one has to make. 

      1. I also have that problem of…
        I also have that problem of having sex with a condom,each tym we have sex i feel uncomfortable i don’t perform well comparing with when we are doing it without a condom,please advice

        1. Hi Sam, thank you for…

          Hi Sam, thank you for getting in touch and we are so sorry that you are going through a hard time. Click here to find out whether you may be allergic to condoms:

          If you don’t want to get pregnant – or don’t want your partner to get pregnant – you need to use birth control, also called contraception or family planning. There are lots different types of birth control methods. Another way to avoid getting pregnant is abstinence. Click here to find out more:

    2. Infections unaeza pona,Ile…
      Infections unaeza pona,Ile mbaya ni stds

  4. Sasa Rodel, STD’s pia…

    Sasa Rodel, STD’s pia zinaweza kukua infections, zinaitwa STI’s na pia unaweza kupona na STI’s pia but inafaa unendee kuona dactari kusaidiwa.

  5. Worth reading, Soo Soo…
    Worth reading, Soo Soo educative in matters of sexual health ??

    1. HI Abel, 

      I am so glad you…

      HI Abel, 

      I am so glad you learnt something new! Keep it here for more educative content on sexual health. 

  6. honestly, condoms are only…
    honestly, condoms are only used to unfaithfull people…also I will use condoms to a lady who I suspect is pregnant but wants a thru pass through me…the if we have been in relationshp for more than a yrn, what is the condom for…

    1. Well, Esemek, I agree that…

      Well, Esemek, I agree that if you are in a faithful monogamous relationship, you can have sex without a condom assuming that you use other birth control methods if you’re not ready to be parents. However, always keep in mind that you may assume that your partner is faithful yet they’re not. I disagree that you do not need to use a condom if you have been in a relationship for over a year. Unless you are sure that you are in a faithful monogamous relationship, you should always use condoms. Safe sex is sexy!

  7. Sex is so sweet without…
    Sex is so sweet without condom coz it can be body to body and tht makes u feel ur partners’body warmth and adds u more feelings

    1. Hi Agaba, 

      That may be true…

      Hi Agaba, 

      That may be true but it’s always nice to be safe especially if you do not know your partners’ status. Ensure that you know their STI status, including HIV. 

  8. Using condoms is so boring…
    Using condoms is so boring because it reduces man’s feelings

    1. Well Agba, 

      Do you know…

      Well Agba, 

      Do you know what else is more boring? Getting an STI, including HIV. Sex may feel different with and without a condom but always think about the consequences of unsafe sex especially if you are not in a faithful monogamous relationship. 

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