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Does sex feel better without a condom?

By Jess on

What if your boyfriend can’t orgasm with a condom on? What comes first for you: pleasure or safety? Or can you have both?

Condom: no orgasm for Ken

I had spent the whole weekend mulling over a discussion I had had with my boyfriend of six months. We had taken a few days apart to think through what the next step in our relationship would be considering the ultimatum he had given me. I mean, it hadn’t been finalized that it would be the deal breaker, but it sure felt like it was a do-or-die moment for our relationship.
See, the issue was that my boyfriend, Ken, didn’t want to continue using condoms whilst we had sex. His reason? He couldn’t get an orgasm with them on… or so he claimed.

No infections

During our relationship thus far, condoms had been the primary mode of contraception we used. I had chosen this as it covered the main job of making sure we didn’t get pregnant, but even more so, it kept us protected from spreading any infections.

‘But we have been exclusive for six whole months! I am only having sex with you. If you are being faithful too, what’s the harm in figuring out the pill or another contraception form that isn’t a condom?’ He sounded really frustrated with me during our last conversation. It was more of an argument if we’re being honest.

‘If you’re so big on intrusive processes so you can have a chance to enjoy sex some more, why don’t you get a vasectomy then?’ I retorted.

Rubber or hormones?

I knew I was being ridiculous with the vasectomy suggestion, but I also didn’t appreciate him lightly suggesting that I take on the burden of other contraception methods that would affect my body when I had mentioned on multiple occasions that I wasn’t yet comfortable with hormonal contraceptives.
That wasn’t the main issue at hand for me, however, since I was open to us doing joint research on what may be best in that regard. I was more worried about the possibility of infections. Yes, we had both gotten tested for STIs when we had decided to be intimate sexually with one another.

I was monogamous, and I did trust him, but I generally had doubts about human ability to make sure one doesn’t slip up under all circumstances.

This wasn’t even an issue about me thinking he would cheat, but more of a self-preserving decision where I knew I could only ever control and be sure of my actions, therefore, I had to protect myself in case of any potential incidents.

Pleasure doesn’t need ejaculation

I was at a loss on how to make him understand this. I also didn’t buy the ‘unable to orgasm’ narrative. Yes, it took him a lot longer, and on occasion, he didn’t ejaculate but it’s not like he wasn’t enjoying himself when we had sex. Was his additional pleasure really worth compromising my sexual health and mental health due to taking on anxieties over the same?

At that point, it became clear to me. It was a do-or-die moment for our relationship, and I had never been more certain in my life that the only option was to choose myself. He was going to have to keep it strapped, or find another partner who was open to having sex without a condom.

Yes, Jess! That’s the way to go: ensure that you both stay safe. It’s not worth having sex with a partner who isn’t concerned about your (or their) safety. Do you agree? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook Love Matters Kenya and Naija.