5 weird things boys do with their penises

A man can do silly things with his willy. Such actions rarely improve the ‘brand image’ of males in general, and penises in particular…

Sticking them in, um, creative places
A universal phenomenon: boys sticking their things into other things, perhaps inadvisable things.

A few recent examples (click at your own peril): ‘Drunk stranger posted his penis through letterbox’, ‘Clumsy man painting in the nude gets penis jammed in pipe for two days’ and ‘Have sex with your iPad thanks to the new sex toy no-one asked for’.

But if we are to believe ‘Chinese hospitals introduce hands-free automatic sperm extractor’, there is now a medically-sanctioned example of this phenomenon. Doctor says GO!
‘Beakering’
Last year, a woman began a post called ‘Do you dunk your penis?’ by asking her online friends whether their husbands also cleaned their penises after sex using a bedside beaker.
Understandably the internet went wild, according to ‘The best of the amazing “Penis Beaker” debate’.

People began some fairly relevant questions: Why doesn’t your husband just clean himself up in the bathroom? Have you and your husband ever heard of tissue paper? Is it a special kind of beaker? How big is this beaker? Is this beaker a coffee mug? Has this beaker ever been confused with a regular glass of water? And the most popular question: WTF?
Dreaming about size
It’s safe to say that few men ‘beaker’. But many men dream of having a bigger penis. Unfortunately, no matter what the internet says, it’s impossible.

‘The penis is not a static organ. It goes from a sleepy little midget to quite large and firm. If it could be done, I’d be retired on a beautiful island in the South Pacific,’ says Dr Dudley Danoff in ‘A urologist-to-the-stars talks penis power and male sexuality’ who claims to have seen enough penises to fill a sports stadium.

Danoff suggest men should instead talk positively to their penis: ‘You’re my friend, my most reliable buddy, I feel good about myself, my body image, my penis…’

Wait! Breaking news! Penis enlargement is now possible after all: Malaysian man comes up short after buying £100 penis enlarger online… which turns out to be a £5 magnifying glass’.

Just don’t apply this technique in direct sunlight.
Sing, rotate and detach
There is some miraculous penis action out there, according to ‘Strangest genitals in the Animal Kingdom’. A certain insect can achieve 99 decibels by rubbing its penis against its ribbed abdomen. A certain duck can use its brush-like tip to remove competitor sperm before depositing his own sperm. A certain platypus-like beast has four heads on its penis which each take turns – and when one of these heads ejaculates, the sperm bundles together like an angry comet of bees…

And the winner: an octopus that packs sperm into a detachable tentacle which then swims off independently in search of a female to fertilize. Magical stuff!
Make ugly pictures
Human penises go mobile too, thanks to the internet. Sending unsolicited ‘dick pics’ has become a common worldwide pastime that has already cost several politicians their jobs.

Sending such a pic rarely works. It usually results in offense or mockery. However, two female-run initiatives recognise that dick pics will not go away anytime soon. But they can be improved…

One woman is battling the ugliness and laziness that such pics represent, according to ‘What I’ve learned from my side job critiquing dick pics’. ‘Be aware that even a very small amount of thought and consideration for the desires of your receiver will set you apart from most dick pic senders, and take advantage of that by putting more than three second’s thought into the pose, composition, and lighting of your picture.’

Through her work as a dick pic reviewer, she’s discovered how insecure men are about their bodies – ‘a terrain with which most women are familiar.’

If you truly have no photographic talent, there’s a new app with stickers and backgrounds to counter ‘the world’s sad barrage of boring penis pics’, according to ‘Put a sombrero on your dick with the Rock That C**k app’.

‘The app will be free, but there will be little upgrades. Two bucks if you want to make your penis an ATM and shoot hundred-dollar bills out of it because that is awesome.’