More weird things boys do with their penises

Penis in your head! Penis filled with silicone! Penis logos! Penis puppetry! … These news flashes and more in this week’s Sex in the Press.

Excuse me. Did I just crack my penis through my skull?

‘Scientists have discovered a hermaphrodite flatworm that literally f*cks itself in the head. The flatworm resorts to self-insemination when it’s unable to find a mate. How’s that for kinky?’ according to ‘Flatworm reproduces by using its penis to inject sperm into its head’.

This process of ‘traumatic insemination’ leads to inbred offspring – but perhaps that’s better than nothing. (And who cares if you have a hole in your head? At least you got lucky!)

‘While some hermaphrodites are known to be able to self-fertilize, this may be the first case of them using their needle-like penis to inject sperm into their own head. Researchers suggest this “convoluted” mechanism is needed as there is no internal linkage between the flatworms’ male and female sex organs.’

Oops. My hand seems to be pregnant.

‘A Turkish televangelist warned married men that masturbation could make their hands pregnant in the afterlife,’ according to ‘Masturbation could make men’s hands pregnant in the afterlife, one guy says’.

The scenario does raise a few questions. For example, if a baby was indeed born into the afterlife, would it in fact then be a very late-term abortion?

Of course, it’s also possible that the evangelist based his statement on faulty research.

Is that a pit bull in your pants?

‘When we learned that there’s a man in Germany who has a penis that weighs nearly 10 pounds, we were obviously intrigued,’ according to ‘This man has a 10 pound penis – on purpose’.

‘Micha (who’d prefer not to use his last name) has had his penis permanently “enhanced” with implants because it makes him feel “better” mentally.’

The 45-year-old also believes he’s exercising a right: “If a woman gets breast enlargements, nobody says anything about it.”

‘I’m actually a pretty shy person,’ says Micha while clad in bulging leather at a bondage festival.

Is that a bungee cord in your robe?

‘The longest junk belongs to holy men in Varanasi, India, who stretch their penises,’ according to ‘5 fascinating facts about the penis’.

‘They cut a hole in the tip and force a stick through it, then they forcibly stretch it,’ says the director of the documentary film Dickumentary.

In the process they lose the ability to have erections. ‘They’re giving up their sexual side as a form of worship,’ says the director.

‘One of the guys was older, and his was two feet, at least. There was a younger guy, and you could see his penis was still functional, and he was in the process of breaking it down. That was tough to watch.’

Be nice. Or be Penised.

Boys have been drawing willies since the dawn of time. Now there’s a business model centered around the activity: ‘For the right price, these two guys will add a penis to your competitor’s logo’.

Penised.com has proved to be insanely popular. The website received a million visits in its first week – and a thousand job applications.

‘We were shocked by how many people there are out there like us – getting paid to draw dicks is their dream job,’ says a founder.

‘People are awesome. Organizations can be dicks. Often the organization runs the people instead of the other way around, and people are getting sick of taking it. There is really no excuse anymore for any organization to not being aware and empathetic to peoples’ opinions of them and to try to make those opinions positive. If you don’t, we are going to penis you.’

Welcome to the world of ‘Genital Origami’

‘Two nude male comics will actually bend, twist and fold their “happy tackle” into various shapes,’ according to ‘Q+A: Simon Morley of “Puppetry of the Penis” talks path to Las Vegas’.

After 20 years of touring and global acclaim, Puppetry of the Penis is now expanding to include a permanent theater in Las Vegas and a 30-member troupe in Milan.

Genital gymnastics can be challenging. The ‘Loch Ness Monster’ can apparently be rather painful for the non-circumcised. The ‘Eiffel Tower’ is technically impossible for the circumcised.

But getting the laughs is the easy part, says the founder. ‘I think God did a wonderful part in putting these parts together, but, you know, he really just dropped the ball when he got to the male genitals. It’s like a kiwi hanging off a sausage. This is the thing that always struck me. It is very laughable.’

Okay, so the penis is a little weird. But there’s nothing weird about laughter.

Know any dick tricks? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.