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(C) Love Matters | Rita Lino

Difficulties with sex: men

Sexual difficulties are very common for men of all ages. Common guy problems include premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculation – either coming much sooner or much later than you’d like.

Difficulties in bed are quite common, and most people will face them at some point in their lives. Some difficulties are temporary; others require professional attention. Most are easily treated. Usually, the biggest challenge is to admit to having a problem.

You don't need to be embarrassed when you experience sexual difficulties. Many men think they would be considered by others to be less masculine. But having your issues seen to and treated is the best thing you can do for your sexual health and your relationships.

Some sexual difficulties are related to unhealthy lifestyle choices and can be prevented by leading a healthy life: eating a balanced diet, exercising, not smoking and minimizing alcohol consumption. Basically, anything that is good for your overall health is generally good for your sexual health. But of course living a healthy life does not mean you will be immune to having issues in bed – but it might reduce the risk.

When seeing a healthcare provider for issues, the doctor will likely ask you a lot of questions about your sexual, physical and emotional health. The diagnosis will be made a lot easier if you answer these questions as honestly and in-depth as you can – even though it might feel awkward. The doctor will also likely examine you. Don't be ashamed or afraid. Remember: it's very common to have problems and you are doing the right thing by getting treatment.

What you will have to do to resolve the problem depends on the sexual difficulty. Below we cover the most common conditions, their causes and their treatments.

Sexual difficulties affect both partners

There’s no doubt about it: sexual difficulties are bad news for your sex life. If a man is always worried about getting an erection or ejaculating too soon, it’s going to be difficult for him to relax and fully enjoy the experience.
But his partner will also be left unsatisfied, especially if the man is so focused on his fears that he ignores his partner’s sexual needs. As a result, both parties are left wanting. If this continues long enough the couple may begin to avoid lovemaking and even intimacy in general.
So it's good to address any issues as soon as they arise.

Premature ejaculation

One of the most common problems for men, premature ejaculation is when a man orgasms uncontrollably, either before or shortly after sexual stimulation begins. Sometimes it can even occur with little or no physical contact.

With premature ejaculation, the orgasm becomes unwanted, spoiling the sexual experience and leaving both partners unsatisfied. Premature ejaculation affects nearly every man at some point in his life.

It may result from both physical and psychological problems, though it is usually difficult to find the exact cause.

Other psychological factors that can cause premature ejaculation include a religious background in which sex is stigmatised, stress and anxiety, guilt, depression or past sexual trauma. Physical causes may include an oversensitive glans (the top part of the penis), hormonal problems, past injuries, drug side-effects or neurological disease. In some cases, it is simply caused by disinterest or lack of attraction for a sexual partner.

In many cases, it declines as a man gains sexual experience and learns to control his ejaculation. The best way to gain mastery over ejaculation is by identifying the sensations that signal an approaching orgasm and communicating with your partner to temporarily tone down stimulation.

Using a condom or numbing creams and gels, which reduce sensation, can be other options. You could also experiment with different positions, or speak to your doctor about medications that may help treat premature ejaculation. Masturbation, and understanding what excites you, can also help you learn how to control your arousal.

Delayed ejaculation and anorgasmia

The opposite of premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation means ejaculating way later than desired – or even not at all. Not having an orgasm is also called anorgasmia. The two conditions are not the same, but are often grouped together as 'disordered orgasms'.

Disordered orgasms mostly affect older men.

They can also be caused by psychological factors. This could be fear of sex, having been abused, or thinking that sex isn't good (that it’s, for example, dirty or a sin).

When you see a doctor about this, they will ask you questions about what could be causing the problem and treat you accordingly. This may mean seeing a psychologist to discuss any issues you may have.

Erectile dysfunction

Having erectile dysfunction means being unable to get or maintain an erection. It can also refer to the quality of an erection: that the erection is not hard enough to enter the vagina.

Erectile dysfunction gets more common as men get older, but it can affect men of all ages.
Conditions such as high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes make it more likely for a man to get erectile dysfunction. But also stress and fear of being unable to perform in bed can cause problems.

When looking for the cause of erectile dysfunction, doctors distinguish between three different types of erections: the ones men get in their sleep, the ones they get through mental stimulation (e.g. fantasising) and the ones brought on by touch.

To treat erectile dysfunction, it's very important to understand what causes it and then address that factor. This might involve lifestyle changes, such as a healthier diet or stopping smoking. Sometimes, it's possible to treat erectile dysfunction with medication such as Viagra – but it's best to also get to the root cause of the problem. Also, not all varieties of erectile dysfunctions can be treated with medication. Sometimes, surgery or injections may be required.

It's important to discuss all options with your doctor.

Low libido

Having low libido means that you have no or almost no sexual desire.

Low libido is often caused by psychological factors or by the body not producing enough of the hormone testosterone.

Low libido is more common in older men, or in men who drink a lot of alcohol and who are malnourished. Smoking and drugs can also play a role, as well as some medications used to treat conditions such as prostate cancer.

Stress, depression and relationship problems can also play a factor when it comes to low desire.

Men with low desire will often shy away from initiating any kind of sexual contact, and avoid the topic of sex with their partner. If they try to have sex, they might be having trouble getting or keeping an erection.

In order to treat low libido, a healthcare provider will first need to figure out what causes the problem before developing a treatment plan.This can involve psychological care or a change in medication.

Pain, bleeding, burning

Pain, bleeding, and burning are usually signs that something is wrong. It could be painful to get an erection, penetrate or ejaculate. You may notice blood around your penis, testicles or in your ejaculate. Burning most often happens after sex, when there has been too much friction.

The cause could be an STI or another infection, or a sign that you are allergic to something, such as lube or the condom. Burning can also be caused by a partner who was too dry or anal sex without sufficient lubrication.

If you experience any discomfort regularly, please have a healthcare professional rule out any serious problems. Find the cause of your problem and treat it.

Peyronie's disease

Peyronie's disease means that your penis is bent at an odd angle, making it painful to get an erection.

It can be the result of a previous injury. It is more common in men with certain medical conditions and seems to be hereditary.

Often, the condition goes away on its own after a couple of months to a few years without treatment. But sometimes injections, or even surgery, are required to take care of the symptoms.

Read more about Peyronie's disease here.

Retrograde ejaculation  

This means that, after a man ejaculates, the fluid will run into the bladder rather than leaving the penis.

This often affects men who have nerve damage due to diabetes. Sometimes, it's also caused by certain operations around the stomach.

Comments
I usually have sex only once after I ejaculate no matter how much I try I can't get another erection. Please how can I solve this problem of low libido in me?

Hi Peter, It is completely normal for men to have what is called a refractory period, where the penis cannot get hard after ejaculation. Honestly, your body is just telling you that it needs some time. There is no real way to change it or make it happen less, so just try to work with your body. If you are really hoping to have more sex, then take the time to recharge and focus on your partner. This is a good time to focus on them and give them pleasure. You will become hard again in no time and continue.

Hey Kiora, there lots of myths around what foods can actually help improve the sexual desire of a person. Not all foods work for everyone, what works for one may not work for another. In other cases, the effect is more psychological than scientific. Have a look at the following article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/aphrodisiacs-top-five-facts

Anonymous
Tue, 07/03/2018 - 16:22
I am very happy I found this website, it has answered all my questions around these men sexual problems. Thank you very much. I will be coming back for more and more.

Hey Otile, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make your penis bigger. The products in the market do not give permanent results. The only possible chance is getting surgery which also comes with the risk of complications thereafter. Lastly, talk to your partner to get to know what they are looking for in a partner and relationship, you just may find that a bigger penis is not in her list. Check out this article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/male-body/six-myths-about-increasing-penis-size

Hey Carren, What your partner may be experiencing is know as Premature Ejaculation, which is caused by a number of reasons including fear, anxiety or even stress. Anxiety that one will not perform can make him ejaculate much earlier or stress from home or work. In other cases, particularly in young men it could be the result of sexual inexperience, and so as the young man gets older he also gains more experience in controlling ejaculation. Sex is better when partners talk about it, find a good time and talk with your partner about what you want and like during sex and also have him tell you what he likes and wants so that together you can agree on how to proceed. Check out the following articles;- 

https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/how-to-overcome-premature-ejaculation

https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex

Hey Kelly, have you talked to your partner about this? Sex is usually better when partners talk about it and share what they enjoy and like. Find a good time to talk about this with your partner, let them know what you like and enjoy during sex, also have him tell you what he likes and enjoys. This will help improve the experience for you both. Check out this article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/ways-to-make-love/talking-about-sex 

Hey Tito, it is important to talk to your partner and get to know what they like. You may find that they prefer quality and not quantity. You can also ask them what quality or quantity means to them. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/quantity-vs-quality-what-matters-when-it-comes-to-sex 

Hi Kibe, this may be an infection especially if there is a charge from the penis and swollen or painful testicles. It is important that you seek medical attention as soon as possible including your partner if you are currently seeing someone. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/safe-sex/sexually-transmitted-diseases-top-five-facts

Hi, these foods are also known as Aphrodisiacs. There is no scientific evidence that they really do work but they are likely to have a positive psychological effect which is likely to translate to better performance. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/aphrodisiacs-top-five-facts

Hi Collins, your partner is likely to orgasm during sex if you deliberately make one of the most sensitive part, the clitoris, a part of your love making. You could stroke the clitoris or even lick it, this is because vaginal intercourse only does not give sufficient attention to the clitoris. Last, communicating with your partner during sex helps improve the experience for both partners. Have a look at the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/orgasms/her-orgasms

Hi Brayo, Do you mean you ejaculate sooner than you wish? This is known as Premature Ejaculation which is caused by a number of reasons including fear, anxiety or even stress. Anxiety that one will not perform can make him ejaculate much earlier or stress from home or work. In other cases, particularly in young men it could be the result of sexual inexperience, and so as the young man gets older he also gains more experience in controlling ejaculation. Check out the following article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/male-body/premature-ejaculation-top-five-facts

Hae,am Stephen need your help..am 24yrs I mastibated like four years ago,and I stopped two years ago ..my worry is that when I try to have sex with my partner I just cum even before I insert or I cum once after I enter. I don't last in the acts even a minute. How to improve my performance please..

Hi Steph,  what you are experiencing is known as Premature Ejaculation which is caused by a number of reasons including fear, anxiety or even stress. Anxiety that one will not perform can make him ejaculate much earlier or stress from home or work. In other cases, particularly in young men it could be the result of sexual inexperience which also means one gets too sexually excited too soon. As the young man gets older he also gains more experience in controlling their ejaculation. Check out the following article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/how-to-overcome-premature-ejaculation

I think my partner is addicted to sex. We never do anything else when we meet apart from sex. I want to know about him more but all he wants is sex from. Does this relationship have a future or when he gets bored he will go for someone else?

Hey Susie, I am not able to tell you what may or may not happen in future but you need to talk to your partner about your concern. Let him know what you expect from the relationship, you could even plan your next meeting at an outdoor space. Talk about what you like and what you want from the relationship. Check out the following article;-

https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner

Hi Mash, it is not about time but about the right technique, knowing what will get your partner to orgasm and then doing just that. Going with time may not work since everybody is different and responds to sex in different ways, all you need to know Is what will get her to orgasm. Have a look at the following article for more tips on female orgasm;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/orgasms/her-orgasms

Hey Kahiu, it is completely normal for men to have what is called a refractory period, where it cannot get hard after ejaculation. Honestly, your body is just telling you that it needs some time. There is no real way to change it or make it happen less, so just try to work with your body. If you are really hoping to have more sex, then take the time to recharge and focus on your partner. This is a good time to focus on them and give them pleasure. You will become hard again in no time and continue. 

My difficulty is that I have a small panis. I want to make it bigger to satisfy my girlfriend. I have heard of penis pumps, doea it work or should I choose the pills?

Hey Charlie, the only way to make your penis bigger is to have surgery done and even this will present alot of challenges. The products you have mentioned do not work as advertised. To satisfy your girlfriend, talk with her to get to know what will get her satisfied. Have a look at the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/male-body/penis-enlargement-doesnt-work

How about men who have wired fetishes... I got to know my boyfriend of one year has a thing women underwear and has a collection of a bunch of panties from his past. I am in shock, I have no idea how to move past this considering he doesn't seem to want to abandon it...

Hey Clara, you now have to make a decision on whether you are willing to accept this or not. Often, these fetishes do not affect the relationship, you however need to be honest with yourself and your partner about your concerns including whether you are willing to accept it or not. Have a look at the following article on more information on fetishes;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/fetishes-top-five-facts

Hi Peter, the most important benefit for you would be the prevention of HIV. Studies have shown that circumcision reduces the risk of getting HIV in circumcised men by slightly more than 60 per cent. Have a look at the following article for more information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/male-body/male-circumcision-and-its-side-effects

Jenniffer
Thu, 02/14/2019 - 16:09
Hi Love Matters, my husband only has one shot when we have sex together. After that his dick falls and no matter what I do it cannot stand again. What is the problem?

Hi Jenniffer, it is completely normal for men to have what is known as the refractory period. A time when their penis can not get hard after ejaculation. At this time the body just needs some time, there is no real way to reduce this time and everybody is different and so it is important for everyone to work with their own body. If you wish to have sex, allow your partner sometime to recover, pressure to get an erection might the very thing that makes it had to have one. Give it time, and soon enough he will be hard again and you can have sex. 

Hello Resty, your boyfriend is experiencing delayed ejaculation which means ejaculating way later than desired – or even not at all. This is caused by psychological factors. This could include, fear of sex, having been abused, or thinking that sex isn't good (that it’s, for example, dirty or a sin). Have a look at the following article for additional information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/making-love/sex-problems-how-to-overcome-them/difficulties-with-sex-men

Hey Isaac, a vacuum pump or penis pump can make a penis look larger temporarily. But using one too often or too long can damage elastic tissue in the penis, leading to less firm erections. The most effect way for one to enlarge their penis is to get surgery done. Have a look at the following article;-

https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/male-body/six-myths-about-increasing-penis-size

The likely effective way to enlarge your penis is through surgery and this also comes with different complications. The products in the market do not deliver what they promise. Having said that, having a bigger penis doesn't make one a better lover. Communication however, with ones partner and getting to know what ones partner likes or wants during sex goes along way toward improving the sex experience for both partners. Find a good time and talk with your partner about what you both like and want to improve your experience. Check out the following article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/our-bodies/male-body/six-myths-about-increasing-penis-size

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