Weird stuff ladies do to their vaginas…

Some things done with vaginas: weight lifting, G-spot injections and attempted murder. No wonder the vagina has so much street cred.

On vajazzling and squalene

Vajazzling is ‘the act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman’s nether regions for aesthetic purposes.’ It’s often associated with another perhaps dubious practice, the Brazilian wax, which conveniently creates a blank canvas. Its name is also somewhat misleading as one does not vajazzle her vagina but her pubic area. But such is the power of the vagina. Everybody wants a piece of it.

Meanwhile in nature, squalene is a substance found in shark livers. It’s also a natural lubricant found in human vaginas. How did that get up there?!? So many mysteries, so little time…

However, some things found in vaginas are more easily explained.

What!? Where!?

‘We have covered everything from the hiding of knives and marijuana pipes, to an innovative 27-year-old woman who allegedly stashed more than 100 items – including 54 bags of heroin and loose change – in her vagina,’ the Huffington Post proudly reports.

The article goes on to describe a female parolee who kept a small vodka bottle filled with urine in her vagina in case of drug tests. Unfortunately the urine she had borrowed was also dirty and she was arrested.

Yes, many different lessons can be learnt from such stories. And obviously, none of these women should be considered as worthy role models.

Pumping iron

Speaking of vodka, a Russian woman has world’s strongest vagina, according to the Guinness World Records.

‘After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls. I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina,’ genital gymnast Tatiata Kozhevnikova is quoted as saying.

‘You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook,’ says Kozhevnikova who believes in daily work-outs.

Her second ball weighs 14 kilograms. Yes: bolshoi.

Nipping, tucking, injecting

‘Women are injecting collagen into their cooters, and I am concerned,’ writes Arielle Pardes in her The Screwtinizer column about G-spot injections.

‘The trendy new procedure comes with a nearly $2,000 price tag and temporarily inflates the enigmatic Grafenberg Spot, making it super sensitive to sexual stimulation. The injection itself uses the same ingredients that plastic surgeons use to smooth wrinkles or plump up lips.’

Pardes is against ‘tweaking our twats’, which also includes ‘labioplasty’ (the surgical re-curtaining of the labia) and ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ (nipping, tucking and general tightening).

‘First of all, the existence of the G-spot remains controversial. No one knows where it is exactly, whether it’s sensitive because of its proximity to the urethra or the backside of the clitoris, or if it truly exists at all. Secondly, these procedures are medically unnecessary and can potentially damage the nerve endings in the vagina — a warning offered by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists, which has voiced opposition to vagina upgrades.’

Plus ‘the entire vagina has fewer nerve endings than one of your feet’ and only 30 per cent of women can achieve orgasm with vaginal stimulation alone. So if one wants to enhance pleasure, one should just focus on the widely tested front side of the clitoris.

‘All it takes to shift the standard is speaking up about what feels good — and hey, you can save yourself about $2,000 and a five-inch needle up your hoo-ha,’ Pardes wisely concludes.

Murder, She Wrote

‘In war or peace, vaginas wield the power’ tells the story of a Brazilian woman’s attempt to kill her husband by putting poison in her vagina and asking him for oral sex.

‘There is something particularly intriguing about using a method of murder that involves pleasure. It’s also completely stupid, as vaginas are absorbent and the woman would have probably killed herself in the process. But no matter, a lethal love tunnel adds to the fascinating mythology of sex and death in the lady garden.’

And from death, we return to life: vaginas are also known to pop out babies. How delightfully – and ultimately – eccentric is that?

What perhaps eccentric things have you done with your vagina? Or do you have a hot news story you want to share? Share your thoughts by leaving a comment below or by joining the discussion on Facebook.