• Making Love
• Sex Problems: how to overcome them

Getting around bad sex

By Ernest Okeyo on

Is bad sex about you, or your partner, or about technique? Maybe all three?

My experience with bad sex taught me that it’s more about bad communication than it is about the sex.  The other person will never know how you ‘like it’ until you tell them. No matter how many sex tips you find out there, it really doesn’t count for much until you realize that your job is to educate your partner on the specific things that make you happy in bed.  

Once you and your partner are comfortable having the type of intimate conversations that improve your sex life, getting around bad sex becomes surprisingly easy.

For me, this is what I have found helpful so far…

1. Take good care of your body

   Sex is much more fun when your body is happy. It’s really that simple. If you don’t take your health and fitness seriously, you don’t get to complain about bad sex.  An unhealthy body is a body that is tired most of the time. That’s not what you want in a sexual partner. Sex is a game that thrives on energy; your body has to want to be completely present for you to enjoy it.

2. Never grow up

   When it comes to sex, I have found that it is much more fun if I don’t become a grown up about it. Grown ups plan too much. They care about what people think too much. They are too safe. The younger you are, the quicker you find the one place you are not supposed to have sex, and then have it right there and then.

   Remember that fresh first year university life? When every time was time for sex? Grab your partner and bang out a quickie while everyone else at the family gathering is having lunch. Sex is a dish best served inappropriately.

3. Take time to practice.

   It’s not enough to just ask your partner what they like. You have to give it a test run.  Take the attitude of a student and dedicate some sessions to practicing what your partner told you they like. Students make good sexual partners because they recognize that it’s not always about their own pleasure. They can’t have fun unless the other person is having fun.

   Pride yourself in being your partner’s student.

4. Understand what they mean by ‘No’.

   Most of the time, there’s an underlying reason behind why we aren’t in the mood for sex. Don’t rush to the conclusion that your partner is rejecting you. First, seek to find out why they aren’t in the mood. This is actually one of the best opportunities you will have to improve your sex life. It’s a teaching moment. Once you know what the problem is, teach yourself how to be part of the solution.

   Great lovers know how to listen to the unsaid.

5. Don’t judge yourself.

   It’s not a competition. Be everything you can for your partner, and then trust that it will be enough. You don’t have to be kinky to enjoy sex. You don’t have to do it as many times a week as your friends. You don’t have to have a beach body. You just need to try your best to make the other person enjoy it.

   Work to separate your insecurities from your sex life. Many of us struggle with this. We allow what we hate about our bodies and ourselves to get in the way of something so beautiful. The more you work on your insecurities, the less your partner has to deal with them.

   Lastly, be secure in the fact that only you get to decide what good sex is. Never let anyone else define this for you. This means that the more you can explore what makes you love sex, the richer your experience will be.  It really starts and ends with you.

Related: Quality vs. Quantity: What Matters More When It Comes To Sex?

What is good sex to you?