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Alphonce Omondi

How to get your man to commit (or not)

Urgent! I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years and he has never spoken once about settling down. He has never introduced me to his friends and family.

I have this feeling that this relationship will not lead to marriage yet he won’t let me go. What will I do if he disappoints me?


First of all: breathe. You sound panicked over the idea that you might not end up with this man. You will be fine either way.

Recently a woman who has been married for over 20 years told me that when they were first married, her husband would not take her to funerals. She was hurt but she didn’t say anything so the situation remained that way for years until her sister asked this man why he was so inconsiderate. He replied that he had no idea that she wanted him there. From then on, he has accompanied his wife to funerals.

Tell him what you want

The point of this little anecdote is that you have to tell this guy what you want. Tell him that you would like to be in a committed relationship that is geared towards marriage and a family. Tell him that you would like him to be the guy that you create this family with. Then ask him if that’s what he wants. If he says yes, then say that for you one of the signs of seriousness is being involved in all areas of his life and knowing his friends and family. Ask him to commit to introducing you within a specific time frame like two or three months.

In the movies, relationships fall into place effortlessly and both lovers seem somewhat psychic when it comes to the others needs and desires.

Reality is different and we have to say what we want and expect. Your man says he loves you, now you have to tell him and show him how to love you. You want him to claim you to the people who matter to him. These are not bizarre or unusual requests and he should honour them.

Where do you stand?

If he does not change in the agreed timeframe, you will then have a tough choice to make. But you will have a clearer picture of exactly where you stand with this man. Right now, all you have are vague ‘feelings’ that he will not marry you and fear that this will hurt you and embarrass you in front of your friends and family. It will hurt like hell if he does not want you in his life permanently. In fact, it will feel like your world is ending. But it won’t end. You will not only survive, but you will also get to a point where you are proud of yourself for pursuing what you want.

Have you had to walk away from a relationship where you were not getting what you want? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Love Matters Naija and Love Matters Kenya.

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Recent Comments (32)

  1. Nice piece……some would
    Nice piece……some would feel you are being pushy about the whole relationship issue. Or you are after their money or so on….

    1. Hi Esther,

      Hi Esther,
      great points. Thanks for your input!

    2. Very true i felt the same…
      Very true i felt the same when my boyfriend didn’t involve me in some decisions making

      1. Thank you for sharing we…

        Thank you for sharing we appreciate your contribution. 

  2. I love my girlfriend we are
    I love my girlfriend we are far from each other,it is ayear since we have known,she flashes and i call her back,wen i dont cal her back she becomes soo angry,now she is in a boarding and looking for a phone for her to flash me i think is obstacle since mostly is not alowed,for 14 days we are not in touch,will it affect our relationship

    1. Hi Halane,

      Hi Halane,
      sorry to hear about your difficult situation!
      It would be great if you could find new ways of communicating, because this problem doesn’t seem to be easily solvable.
      Have you thought about writing old fashioned letters, for example?

  3. To be honest i love m boyfrd
    To be honest i love m boyfrd xo much bt somebody interapted our love by cheating him tht we ar makng lov wth him wch was a lie now ma boyfrd cnt talk to me 4 a wk now pliz help me wat to do?

    1. Hi Grolia,

      Hi Grolia,
      you need to talk to him! You have stopped trusting him, for something he didn’t even do. And of course that has hurt him!
      So you need to make sure that both of you talk about this and find a solution for your situation and to rebuild that trust!

  4. i love my boyfriend so much
    i love my boyfriend so much for four yrz naw buh we av bn away for one yr without seeing each other or avng sex,the problem x he thinks am cheating on him buh av neva cheated on him en we quarrel alot coz he haz bn the one cheating on me.So recently i told him x over buh i still love him soo much.Pliz help me i want thz rlship to wak

    1. Hi Anne,

      Hi Anne,
      distance and cheating make for a difficult situation. Are you closer together now? You really need to start over again, and both of you need to be willing to commit time and effort into this. You need to learn to trust each other again, and how to communicate with each other. It will take time, and it won’t be easy, but if both of you want it, you should try it. Good luck!

  5. i have problem wit my guy, i
    i have problem wit my guy, i always ask my guy to take me to his parent but he always refus nd we have been datin for 4 year now. Resently he didnt use to call me agin he always wait for me to call i and if he pick the call he will not talk to me much we dont have any misunderstanding plz help me out should i quit the reletionship or be patient

    1. Hi Mortunrayo,

      Hi Mortunrayo,
      that’s really up to you to decide. I would suggest you talk to him about how he sees the relationship going forward. If he is not serious, then it’s up to you to decide if you want to stick around or not. Follow your instinct. If you think nothing will ever come of it, you are probably right. If you think it will work though, go for it!

  6. I av bn in a rship wt mah
    I av bn in a rship wt mah girlfriend 4 te last she told mie tat we wl nt get i decided 2 cal off after agreement wt her tat we break it up.Bt now she want 2 return 2 mi.what can i do? bcoz i av replace wt another 1.

    1. Hi Nathan,

      Hi Nathan,
      has anything changed for her, or for you? Is she willing to get married? And who can you imagine your future with- the old or the new gf? Take some time to think about it and base your decision on that!

  7. yeah walked out jst weeks ago
    yeah walked out jst weeks ago,,i couldnt understand her,she did not call or text til I do,sometimes I text she doesnt reply,i got tired and decided

    1. Thanks for sharing, Deno!
      Thanks for sharing, Deno!

  8. Hı’ım 27 years and have been
    Hı’ım 27 years and have been wıth my boyfrıend sınce sıx years were not good we a faılıng to respect and love each other sometımes ı try to please hm wıth some thıng lıke massage hım,buyıng gıfts bt he seems nt be enough and worsely ın bed hıs faılıng me hs so lazy to try new thıng hs nt hyper ın love ın terms of sex and he enjaculate ın seconds so ı fell betrayed coz hıs done and what about what ım fellıng coz ın sex u both partner need to commıt urselfs bt ın our love ıs all about hm wht must ı do plz help..

    1. You need to talk to him.
      You need to talk to him. Things need to change in your relationship, and fast, otherwise, it won’t have a future!
      It will be difficult, but give it a try! Good luck

  9. hi I have a boyfriend we have
    hi I have a boyfriend we have been dating for a year now I always assist him when he is in need but I have this feeling that he is having another affair coz he only call or text when he is in need of something

    1. Ouch, that doesn’t sound good
      Ouch, that doesn’t sound good, Belinda. Have you ever talked to him about this?

  10. hi wev been arguin for months
    hi wev been arguin for months now,and it happend that i had to tell im it was over bt he insisted on renewing our relationship…i accepted it since i love him,the thing is i have lost the love i had for him en it hurts me much cz he loves me…what cn i do to regain the love plis help.
    [21:53, 12/28/2014] churey: Haha jana mlifak ngapi
    [21:53, 12/28/2014] Evlyn partiaz lamar: Ka nane
    [21:53, 12/28/2014] Evlyn partiaz lamar: Leo tmeshda ivo
    [21:54, 12/28/2014] churey: Haha hizo cd Zote
    [22:55, 12/28/2014] Evlyn partiaz lamar: Aai tjatumia leo

    1. Evlyn,

      Love is something you cannot force.
      Either you love someone or you don’t. Give it some time and see if the love returns, but if it doesn’t, there is not much you can do.

  11. gf and I settled for… gf and I settled for 1month and she said she no longer love me and walk out of relationship…but whenever I what to settle down wth another lady she claims stil love’s me

    1. Hi John, If she is unwilling…
      Hi John, If she is unwilling to commit to you, you both need to move on. She broke up with you and walked away, you need to also move on. You really do not need to check with her or get her opinion to move on with your life.

  12. am in a long distance…
    am in a long distance relationship,the last time we see each other was last week,he never call or text bt av been duin tha txtin he never replies n am pregnant for him it has 5months am stressed up

    1. Hi Rachael, so sorry about…

      Hi Rachael, so sorry about this. Have you talked with him about these issue? Communication is an essential part of any relationship and even more important to communicate regularly when you are in a long distance relationship. A lack of communication and spending quality time together may lead partners to growing apart. It is important that you talk about what is going on in the relationship including the need for him to support you. Find a good time and talk about this so you can together agree on how to proceed. Check out the following article for more tips;-

  13. It’s almost two years since …
    It’s almost two years since I saw this guy.I feel like he doesn’t have time for me.what should I do coz I feel like I’m wasting my time on him.

    1. Hey Lille, are you in a long…

      Hey Lille, are you in a long distance relationship? After two years, do you still feel you are in a relationship. Spending quality time in a relationship is essential for the growth of the relationships. If partners don’t spend time together they end up growing apart. If you still feel your relationship has a chance, reach out to him to get to know what he wants moving forward. Check out the following article;-

  14. I dated my girl for seven…
    I dated my girl for seven months before we were separated after she went abroad for further studies. All had been well till recently when she started behaving different and not talking like we used to and when I ask she becomes defensive… please help.

    1. Hello Peter, thank you for…

      Hello Peter, thank you for getting in touch and we are so sorry you are going through a hard time buddy. What about her behavior made you think that she has become defensive?

  15. Hi I love my boyfriend so…
    Hi I love my boyfriend so much but I fell as if he did not love me but he make me happy any day he didn’t call at all is 8 times a day but he talk to me as if I am nobody sometimes so please what I do

    1. HelloPeace, thank you for…

      HelloPeace, thank you for reaching out to us. We are sorry you are going through such a hard time.
      Communication is an important part of any relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Explain how their actions are affecting you and the relationship. Try not to be confrontational because that would put them on the defensive and the resulting conversation would not be productive.  Be ready to listen to their fears and feelings and respond to them as well.
      This article has some pointers that could help you learn how to better communicate.

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