Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

Do I have to marry someone I made pregnant?

Do I need to force myself to marry a lady simply because I got her pregnant? asks a reader. Firstly, force yourself to think about it carefully, replies Valentine.

Between a rock and a hard place

First of all: pole sana. This is a difficult situation and you might feel stuck between a rock and hard place. It seems that you want to do the right thing and be present for your child, but you are struggling to figure out how it will fall into place.

You can force yourself to marry this woman. Whether or not you should is a separate matter. Miserable people make lousy parents. Is the pregnancy the only reason you are thinking of marrying this person? Were you dating and the relationship hadn’t become serious but you like her and care about her?

Think it through carefully

This is a deeply personal decision and nobody can tell you what to do. Your choice will profoundly affect three lives so I advocate that you take your time and make it carefully.
Yes, the baby is coming and it might feel like an emergency but take your time. The baby has its timeline and you have yours. Also, your child is yours for the rest of your life.

Communicate with the mother and let her know what you are considering so she is not left torturing herself in the dark.

Let her know that you will take care of the child so that she can relax on that front; but also that you are debating the marriage question then take your time. I find that setting a personal deadline to make complex decisions such as this one quite beneficial.

Be there for them

In the meantime, avail yourself for clinic visits and start setting money aside for the delivery and shopping for the baby.

Incidentally, there’s another question to ask yourself: Does this woman even want to marry you? You might find that like you, she wants a father for her child but is not particularly keen on marrying you.

 

Would you force yourself to marry someone you made pregnant? Please share your experience! Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook: Love Matters Kenya and Naija.

Tell us what you think

Recent Comments (61)

    1. Thanks for your comment,
      Thanks for your comment, Lydiah.

    2. Me i have two of them.but i…
      Me i have two of them.but i didn’t marry them on i support them financial but matters about relationships is over only support for school fees ,rent ,and food and medical for child incase of health problems

      1. Hi Kipkorir, 

        It is totally…

        Hi Kipkorir, 

        It is totally okay to co-parent. Sometimes, two people may not be good as a couple but they can make great parents. While financial support is great, it also important to remember to offer emotional and psychological support to your children as this is an important part of healthy child development. They help children develop positive social, emotional, behaviour, thinking and communication skills. 

  1. am in the same situation, she
    am in the same situation, she jst wnt me 2 be the father of the child bt nt love,

    1. And David, do you know yet
      And David, do you know yet what you are going to do?

  2. I’ll advice u 2 mary ha, coz
    I’ll advice u 2 mary ha, coz lve start afta marrage

    1. Do you think that’s true for
      Do you think that’s true for everyone?

  3. that depends if u both lv
    that depends if u both lv eachother!

    1. Thanks for your comment, Mary
      Thanks for your comment, Mary.

  4. sometimes pregnancy comes
    sometimes pregnancy comes with its shocks and emergencies but the most worst thing you come to realize is that the woman who is pregnant claiming to be yours is in the real sense a chick for everyone .but who am l to conclude this matter.

    1. That indeed sounds like a big
      That indeed sounds like a big issue…

  5. make a wise descion that u
    make a wise descion that u will never regret . The child is us and u can take care of her hata kama uko mbali naye

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Charles.

  6. In the first place why do
    In the first place why do make her pregnant if had no intension to mary her?how many will be in the same situation?pls u marry her the sake of ur hapiness ,u where inlove be4, she will use that as aweapon to make ur life misearable,i.e nt born now , u will be responsible for18yrs,which means is now adult,bare in mind u hv another family to care of.Pls Men use protection to avoid more regreats &to nt to spoil ur always hapiness.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  7. taking care of the baby is
    taking care of the baby is obvious but marrying the mother is after your own consideration.

    1. That sounds like a very
      That sounds like a very reasonable approach!

  8. Hehe

    Hehe

    One should accept if the situation comes .

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  9. I dont think so!but if there
    I dont think so!but if there is room 4 dat i can,that is financia stability coz we met due to love force,so it can be built stronger by the presence of the kid

    1. Thanks for your input!
      Thanks for your input!

  10. fathers should learn how to
    fathers should learn how to take théir responsabilities

    1. Thanks for the input Aggie.
      Thanks for the input Aggie.

  11. its wld be better f u marry
    its wld be better f u marry her coz f not u wl av two families to cater for.afta all y dnt u bare da consequences f ur actions. instead u shld av used protection.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts Merci.

  12. please don’t because after
    please don’t because after the baby comes she will give lots of attention to him or her and she will forget abt you you yourself will only feel affectionate during the first months and later you will feel like you did a mistake because of pressure

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.

  13. It is common. Don’t get
    It is common. Don’t get married for the sake of the baby but be there for the baby. am a living testimony.

    1. Thanks for the input Wanjira.
      Thanks for the input Wanjira.

  14. wah!am in the same situation
    wah!am in the same situation.got married coz of pregnancy,am not happy coz am married to the person i never loved.its very stressful.just keep off and take of tje baby,and wait for the right person

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your experience with us Francisca.

  15. I do not believe in marrying
    I do not believe in marrying just because of pregnancy You should marry someone you are convinced you want to spend your life with. It is for this reason I did not get married to the father of my first child. I realised after birth of the child that we wanted very different things. He is a father to the child and am happily married to someone else.

    1. Thanks for the input and for
      Thanks for the input and for sharing your experience with us Kwamboka.

  16. y get her pregnant if u ain’t
    y get her pregnant if u ain’t ready 2 marry her,guys pls tink of d concequences 1st bfor goin into an act

    1. Thanks for the input Hadassah
      Thanks for the input Hadassah.

    1. What do you mean Benwa,
      What do you mean Benwa, please explain.

  17. Men should use protection to
    Men should use protection to avoid such things, mostly when your not ready for the responsibility, many men impregnant innocent ladies and they run away, which is not good, you better use protection

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  18. Guess NOT. But you should be
    Guess NOT. But you should be there for your seed.
    if you must marry, then settle for someone you have no second thoughts about tying the matrimonial knot with. Ask yourself if you really wanna settle down with your baby mama, and if your answer isn’t “hell ya” then that’s enough reason NOT to marry the kids mum.
    The fact that you even raised the question means you have some doubts. Follow your instincts dude.

  19. Love is a choice not a…
    Love is a choice not a feeling. Love grows if you want it to. Once you lay with a woman, and sire a kid, that’s your family already. Otherwise, you’ll lead a very miserable life, siring kids here and there and claiming to take care of them but not marry the lady. Have you thought about the girl in question here? what choices does she have? can she just take care of the baby while not living with the baby? The society will term her as an irresponsible mother right? So, same case applies to the man!

    1. We appreciate your…
      We appreciate your contribution Girl Lola.

  20. I delight in, cause I…
    I delight in, cause I discovered just what I used to be looking for.
    You have ended my four day lengthy hunt! God Bless
    you man. Have a great day. Bye

    1. We are glad, you are welcome.

      We are glad, you are welcome.

  21. Howdy! This article could…
    Howdy! This article could not be written any better!
    Going through this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
    He continually kept preaching about this. I’ll forward this article
    to him. Fairly certain he’ll have a good read. Thank you
    for sharing!

    1. Hey, thank you for the…

      Hey, thank you for the feedback and sharing this article. Be sure to explore the site for more informative articles.

  22. Its good for a man to be…
    Its good for a man to be serious with what has happen ,even though many men nowadays they like cheating a lot ,they don’t like to be honesty to those who really love them seriously I also have that problem but no answer yet.

    1. Hello Purity, this is a…

      Hello Purity, this is a tough decision to make. However, it is important to realize that marriage  is a much greater commitment over and above raising a child together. It is important to think carefully about what one wants now and in the future as they make this decision including what relationship currently exists between the concerned partners. 

  23. We use to really together we…
    We use to really together we had fun we enjoyed each others company until I got pregnant and we moved in. Now we are just miserable atleast I am. We don’t go out as we used to we don’t enjoy each others company like before. Is this normal, will it pass??? I am confused?

  24. Hi Bertha, so sorry about…

    Hi Bertha, so sorry about this. Have you talked about what is going on in your relationship with your partner? It is important that you take time and talk with your partner about what is going on, identify the underlying issues and then agree on how to address the identified issues. All relationships have issues from time to time, it is how partners choose to address the issues that makes the difference. Have a look at the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems

  25. People are saying it’s a…
    People are saying it’s a tough decision to make…. For who? The dude? How? After a woman gets pregnant that’s when guys realise they are confused, that they are not sure of marriage… I’m so disappointed! You see… This is why I left my baby’s dad… We were happy, making future plans… About our life, where we will set up our business, gathering capital… And then boom, am pregnant. That’s when he just realises he isn’t sure about us. I call it cowardice and being selfish, it’s not always all about the guy, the lady goes through much more. .. Guys should man up and clean up your messes. Thank you.

    1. Thank you Rita for sharing…

      Thank you Rita for sharing your experience and thoughts. Unplanned pregnancy can throw a relationship into disarray. It is for this reason important to talk about pregnancy early in the relationship and when to get pregnant and then decide on what method to use to prevent unplanned pregnancies. Unfortunately, one should only choose to marry if they want to be with and are inlove with the other person and not because of pregnancy. 

  26. Happiness is what matters…
    Happiness is what matters most in life so the marriage that they force you into is the most toxic and ugliest thing ever, so someone should be allowed to marry whom they want

    1. Hi Gerald, 

      Thank you for…

      Hi Gerald, 

      Thank you for sharing your views. Indeed, happiness is important and one should only marry someone who makes them happy among other things. There is no rush in getting married just because they got pregnant. 

  27. ãM̃ p̃ãg̃ẽd̃ d̃ãM̃p̃ẽd̃ Ñ…
    ãM̃ p̃ãg̃ẽd̃ d̃ãM̃p̃ẽd̃ Ñ t̃h̃ẽ g̃̃ũ̃ỹ ãM̃ẽõã ĩt̃s̃ Ñõt̃ easy

    1. Hi Irene, 

      I am so sorry…

      Hi Irene, 

      I am so sorry about what you are going through. It is hard going through a pregnancy alone. On the other hand, it is no use begging someone to be with you during this important stage of your life. If he wanted to be with you, he could have been with you. Of course, your situation is tricky since he’s married. The most important thing to remember is that you can do it. Avoid stress as this can affect your child’s development. I wish you a safe pregnancy and delivery. You can do it. In case you need child support once the child is born, the law always you to request child support payments – you can file for child support payments. Also, remember that a child also needs emotional and psychological support from his/her parents thus you can try to see if both of you can co-parent peacefully. Ensure that co-parenting is healthy and peaceful and that your baby father’s partner is also okay with it or aware of this arrangement. Some partners can make it hard to co-parent since they see this arrangement as a threat to their relationship or they may not be okay that the father is spending money on the child’s expenses. Sending you love and positive energy. Hugs. 

  28. Am a living testimony of…
    Am a living testimony of marrying becoz I preganated her.to me I could not bear the fact that my Dota wud have cal someone else “daddy” while am alive..I felt that would haunt me forever..as to whether I loved the mother,it was a question if time,coz by then we were too young to know what we really wanted..but I think after marrying her,love started growing,we dint fall in love but rather grew in love… although there is this feeling that one didn’t explore more,as in one never mingled and interacted with several opposite sex so as to careful come out with the best of ones wish,it’s like one became tied to one person at an Early age,we just let that feeling go,coz after all,no one is better or best of all,we are have flows,u can make him/her b what u wanted..

    1. Hi Paul, 

      What a beautiful…

      Hi Paul, 

      What a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing your experience! I am glad that you and your partner grew in love. As long as you have what you need in her and the same for her, you are not missing out. Well wishes to you and your family! 

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