Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

How to get your man to commit (or not)

'Urgent! I have been with my boyfriend for six years and he has never spoken once about settling down. He has never introduced me to his friends and family. I have this feeling that this relationship will not lead to marriage yet he won’t let me go. What will I do if he disappoints me?'

First of all breathe. You sound a panicked over the idea that you might not end up with this man. You will be fine either way.

Recently a woman who has been married for over 20 years told me that when they were first married, her husband would not take her to funerals. She was hurt but she didn’t say anything so the situation remained that way for years until her sister asked this man why he was so inconsiderate. He replied that he had no idea that she wanted him there. From then on, he has accompanied his wife to funerals.

The point of this little anecdote is that you have to tell this guy what you want. Tell him that you would like to be in a committed relationship that is geared towards marriage and a family. Tell him that you would like him to be the guy that you create this family with. Then ask him if that’s what he wants. If he says yes,  then say that for you one of the signs of seriousness is being involved in all areas of his life and knowing his friends and family.  Ask him to commit to introducing you within a specific time frame like two or three months.

In the movies, relationships fall into place effortlessly and both lovers seem somewhat psychic when it comes to the others needs and desires. Reality is different and we have to say what we want and expect. Your man says he loves you, now you have to tell him and show him how to love you. You want him to claim you to the people who matter to him. These are not bizarre or unusual requests and he should honour them.

If he does not change in the agreed timeframe, you will then have a tough choice to make. But you will have a clearer picture of exactly where you stand with this man. Right now, all you have are vague ‘feelings’ that he will not marry you and fear that this will hurt you and embarrass you in front of your friends and family. It will hurt like hell, if he does not want you in his life permanently. In fact it will feel like your world is ending. But it won’t end. You will not only survive, but you will also get to a point where you are proud of yourself for pursuing what you want.


Have you had to walk away from a relationship where you were not getting what you want? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.

Comments
Nice piece......some would feel you are being pushy about the whole relationship issue. Or you are after their money or so on....
I love my girlfriend we are far from each other,it is ayear since we have known,she flashes and i call her back,wen i dont cal her back she becomes soo angry,now she is in a boarding and looking for a phone for her to flash me i think is obstacle since mostly is not alowed,for 14 days we are not in touch,will it affect our relationship
Hi Halane, sorry to hear about your difficult situation! It would be great if you could find new ways of communicating, because this problem doesn't seem to be easily solvable. Have you thought about writing old fashioned letters, for example?
Grolia warren
Tue, 09/16/2014 - 18:52
To be honest i love m boyfrd xo much bt somebody interapted our love by cheating him tht we ar makng lov wth him wch was a lie now ma boyfrd cnt talk to me 4 a wk now pliz help me wat to do?
Hi Grolia, you need to talk to him! You have stopped trusting him, for something he didn't even do. And of course that has hurt him! So you need to make sure that both of you talk about this and find a solution for your situation and to rebuild that trust!
i love my boyfriend so much for four yrz naw buh we av bn away for one yr without seeing each other or avng sex,the problem x he thinks am cheating on him buh av neva cheated on him en we quarrel alot coz he haz bn the one cheating on me.So recently i told him x over buh i still love him soo much.Pliz help me i want thz rlship to wak
Hi Anne, distance and cheating make for a difficult situation. Are you closer together now? You really need to start over again, and both of you need to be willing to commit time and effort into this. You need to learn to trust each other again, and how to communicate with each other. It will take time, and it won't be easy, but if both of you want it, you should try it. Good luck!
mortunrayo
Tue, 10/14/2014 - 22:45
i have problem wit my guy, i always ask my guy to take me to his parent but he always refus nd we have been datin for 4 year now. Resently he didnt use to call me agin he always wait for me to call i and if he pick the call he will not talk to me much we dont have any misunderstanding plz help me out should i quit the reletionship or be patient
Hi Mortunrayo, that's really up to you to decide. I would suggest you talk to him about how he sees the relationship going forward. If he is not serious, then it's up to you to decide if you want to stick around or not. Follow your instinct. If you think nothing will ever come of it, you are probably right. If you think it will work though, go for it!
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