First-time sex: What makes it good?

First-time sex: what makes it good?

When it comes to enjoying sex the first time, being in a loving, committed relationship makes a world of difference, say researchers.

Losing your virginity is a major life event, and science has begun to look at what makes it good, instead of focusing on negative aspects of adolescent sexuality like the risk of pregnancy or STDs.

What’s positive to you?

What does a positive first time mean to you? Physical pleasure? Being with a partner that puts you at ease? There’s a lot that’s involved in enjoyable sex, and before researchers could investigate further they thought about what it means to lose one’s virginity in a healthy way.

For one group of researchers, it’s far more than just risk-free sex – the experience should be mutual, respectful, and empowering. In their study, over 300 US university students answered detailed survey questions about what their first time was like. In another US survey of almost 2000 students, researchers considered both the physical and emotional sides of an enjoyable first time.

Figuring out what makes the experience positive is important because studies have shown that how someone loses their virginity can affect their sex life down the road, and Love Matters has reported on the impact of how satisfying it was elsewhere. This time around, we’re looking at what you can do to help make it an enjoyable experience, in every sense of the word.

Loving relationship

It’s no surprise that a person’s first sexual partner affects how positive the experience is. Young adults who lose their virginity when they’re in a loving, long-term relationship compared to with a casual partner are more likely to enjoy it. That’s especially the case for women, who feel psychologically satisfied and empowered when their first time takes place in a healthy relationship.

It also seems to be important to plan ahead for the big moment – when it happens spontaneously, it’s more likely to be negative, and that’s true for both men and women.

In fact, both studies identified relationship quality as being one of the most important factors to a positive first experience, and recommend that young adults deepen and develop a loving relationship before they first have sex.

Body satisfaction

Feeling good about their bodies also makes for a more satisfying experience for both men and women, one of the studies revealed. For women, it’s a question of having good body self-esteem and being more accepting of their physical features. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to enjoy their first time if they see themselves as attractive and being in good shape.

Young adults should work towards seeing their bodies in a healthy way, something which involves being able to recognise that the shapes and sizes of most men and women in the media are far from realistic, say the researchers.


We’d love to hear about your first-time sex experiences, hopes and wishes. Tell us below or on Facebook.

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Recent Comments (59)

  1. i dont miss doing it again.
    i dont miss doing it again. it was bad

    1. Pole, Martin! We hope it’s
      Pole, Martin! We hope it’s all good now 🙂

  2. why is she complaining of
    why is she complaining of pain all the time we had sex yet we’re six months married?

    1. Hey Amos,

      Hey Amos,
      there is one very easy explanation for why she is complaining about pain- she is in pain.
      Pain during sex isn’t uncommon, and certainly not restricted to first time sex.
      The most common causes for painful sex in women are not being sufficiently aroused and wet. So make sure there is lots of foreplay. Pay plenty of attention to the clitoris.
      Also, make sure your wife is relaxed and doesn’t cramp up. That will also cause pain and discomfort.
      You can also use more lube; you can buy lubrication at most supermarkets.
      If all doesn’t help, you might want to take your wife to a doctor.
      Also, check out what our sex expert Valentine says about painful sex:
      Let us know if this helps!

  3. It was amazing,da 1st concept
    It was amazing,da 1st concept being on loving r/shp worked out well 4 mih

    1. Hi Barbra,

      Hi Barbra,
      that’s great to hear!

    1. Hi Kennedy,

      Hi Kennedy,
      thanks! Keep coming back for more!

  4. I hate the man who did
    I hate the man who did was very painfull.

    1. Sorry to hear that, Stella!
      Sorry to hear that, Stella! Don’t be too harsh on him, though. Many men really don’t know what to do and they have the idea in their head that virginity needs to be ‘broken’ and it needs extra force to do that… But that’s what we are here for- making sure that this misconception gets wiped out.

  5. it wasn’t all that. In fact,
    it wasn’t all that. In fact, unless prompted, I don’t even remember it coz I guess I didn’t lose it to someone who was special to me. I had planned it, but it was with someone who I felt would make my experience worthwhile coz he was ‘experienced’. and he was a gentleman throughout, but it really didn’t do much for me in the end. I guess my expectations were higher or something.

    1. Hi Sam,

      Hi Sam,
      people often have very high expectations when it comes to first time sex. And often, they aren’t met.
      Glad to hear he was a gentleman though!

  6. Ma first tym was lovly.
    Ma first tym was lovly..relaxed.and i lov sex

    1. Hi Friggy,

      Hi Friggy,
      that’s good to hear! Glad you had a good first experience!

    1. Hi Wisdom,

      Hi Wisdom,
      keep coming to our page, we have new information every day!

  7. My first tym was painful ed i
    My first tym was painful ed i hate tht man bcoz aftr all he xtrd madha,i dnt knw if i wil gve anthr man coz i flt xo pain

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      very sorry to hear about your experience.
      Unfortunately, sometimes the first time can hurt, especially if the man is inexperienced, too. Please don’t shy away from trying again. Take it slowly, make sure you are fully aroused and tell the man what you like and what you don’t like. Sex is a lot about communication, and if both of you aren’t trying to communicate, it’s bound to fail. Good luck!

  8. I didnt enjoy my first time
    I didnt enjoy my first time sex bcoz it was p
    ainful but nowadays i enjoy and still love the man ……

    1. Hi Carina,

      Hi Carina,
      that’s great to hear! We are glad it all worked out for you.

  9. lt was painful and l didn’t
    lt was painful and l didn’t like the place l had it.

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      so sorry to hear that! We hope the next times were much, much better.

  10. Hi, it was so bad dat i can’t
    Hi, it was so bad dat i can’t date another man again, y because d pain is still dere nd anytime i try getting close to another i find it had, so dear it was not lovely ok

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      so sorry to hear you had a bad experience.
      But you need to let go of the fear.
      Once you are ready, it’s really really important that you are aroused and relaxed, and that the man is gentle. Then there is very little chance of pain. Good luck!

  11. It was very sweet and ilykd
    It was very sweet and ilykd it..infact the man who did it is ma hubby,i dont regret it

    1. That’s great to hear, lovely!
      That’s great to hear, lovely!

  12. it wsn’t tht painful though i
    it wsn’t tht painful though i nva enjoyed it at all, i also had high expectations!To hell iv nva missd it since then.

    1. Yep, high expectations can be
      Yep, high expectations can be a real issue!

  13. anytime I have sex with a man
    anytime I have sex with a man I undergo so much pain.I love xex bt problem is pain

    1. Hi Alicia,

      Hi Alicia,
      I am sorry to hear that you experiencing pain during sex. Sex is supposed to be a wonderful fun experience and be pleasing, not hurt. For women the pain can come down to two things, being relaxed and lubrication.

      Your body needs to receive someone else and stretch to fit them. You need to be in the mood, turned on and relaxed. Sometimes just taking more time kissing and foreplay will do a lot for your body. You need to be excited. Take time caressing each other, touching each other bodies and genitals, maybe even do oral sex on each other. Then you will be more likely to have pain free sex!

  14. i ddnt liked it koz th gal
    i ddnt liked it koz th gal came to ma base n refused to go away sh forced me to do so without ma will,i hate her with passion

    1. So sorry to hear that! Sex
      So sorry to hear that! Sex should always be consensual.

  15. i date a for four years but
    i date a for four years but she never alow me to have sex.when i ask of sex,she give strait forweard answer that won’t do it but she claim that she love.

  16. its jst an exciting game
    its jst an exciting game always missing it.

    1. Thanks for your comment,
      Thanks for your comment, Patrick.

  17. still a virgin waitin4 da big
    still a virgin waitin4 da big day op it will work well 4 mi

  18. av neva had sex i thnk am too
    av neva had sex i thnk am too afraid n i hav tried twice bt my bt my virginer seems small to even
    allow penetration…..wat cld b my prob

    1. Christin,

      the most likely problem is that you are not aroused and wet enough. Arousal makes the vagina bigger, and the wetness prevents pain.

  19. First time sex is always an
    First time sex is always an occation that doesn’t melt in human mind easily.More so to women,like for no am married but my first girlfriend is also married to another person.Still she is hunting bout me when she comes back to their home.So may you people assist me what i can do so that she can be able to forget about me…..

    1. Hi Samm, you cannot make
      Hi Samm, you cannot make someone to forget you. It should be flattering to you. You just need to concentrate on your relationship and avoid any sort of temptation with her. She is he one who has to deal with getting over you.

  20. My Problem Here Is Am Three
    My Problem Here Is Am Three Months Pregnant En Whenever I Have Sex Wiz Him, I Feel Some Pain In The Stomach,so I Don’t Enjy It Well

    1. Hi Apple, sex should not
      Hi Apple, sex should not cause pain in the stomach. You should try different styles and instruct him during sex so that he avoids hurting you.

  21. hae dear i have my partner we
    hae dear i have my partner we h’ve stayed 4 one year bt i nolonger have feelings 4 her and yet she has got one kid 4 me,what could be the cause of that? besides that many men over call her at night.

  22. I hv a boyfriend en we hv
    I hv a boyfriend en we hv been in r/ship though we hvn’t had sex yet bt we always kiss caress each other but he says he gets so high en t seems like I dnt know how to make him orgasm. Help me on how to get him aroused. Pliz

  23. Hi, how do i make my partner…
    Hi, how do i make my partner to have sex with me. we are dating for 8 months, she always say she is not ready and she fear pregnancy.

    1. Hey Simon, first, you really…

      Hey Simon, first, you really can’t make her have sex with you. You could ask her to have sex with her and see what she thinks, if she also wants to or not. The decision to have sex with you is hers to make and if she feels she is not ready you will have to respect that choice. At times one partner may feel ready to move the relationship to the next level while the other partner may not be ready just yet. Your partner has expressed a fear since she wishes not to get pregnant at this time. It may be important to talk about prevention of pregnancy with your partner so you both can be at ease. Perhaps, if she knows you have taken measures to prevent unplanned pregnancies she will be more relax perhaps even willing to have sex. Be patient with her and do what you can to can get her there. Check out the following articles for more information;-


  24. Is there a way to know if a…
    Is there a way to know if a girl is a virgin when you have sex with her?

  25. My boyfriend says if I love…
    My boyfriend says if I love him we must have sex, is sex=love?

    1. Hey Rachel, sex is not equal…

      Hey Rachel, sex is not equal to love. One can be in a deeply intimate and loving relationship without having sex. Partners can choose not to have sex for a duration of time for reasons such as religious beliefs or personal principle. You should only have sex if you feel ready, you are with the right person and it is the right time for you. Having sex is a decision only you should make and you should not be pushed into it if you are not ready. Have a look athe following article;-

  26. I neva had sex but i have a…
    I neva had sex but i have a boyfriend when he tells that he feels me i get to much fear about hw it wll be at the our first time,,,, i’m alwayz afraid with much fear about hw i’l loose my virginity

    1. Hello Radica, thank you so…

      Hello Radica, thank you so much for reaching out to us with this. It is normal to be a little afraid because there are a lot of stories out there about how things could go wrong. If you feel you are not ready that is fine. You do not need to do it. Do just what you feel is right for you and when you feel you are ready.

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