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A formula to fall in love?

Falling in love is challenging – so many tough questions and so few answers. How can you fall in love with a stranger? What if they don’t love you back?

And if you’ve already fallen in love once but weren’t successful? How could you get yourself to do it again?

Hold your breath! A study by Dr Arthur Aron and his team at the State University of New York seeks answers to all these questions. Dr Aron looked to solve the most complicated and somewhat messy human challenge of falling in love; he wanted to find scientific techniques that would ensure that two people would fall in love.

36 critical questions

Dr Aron’s team designed a set of 36 questions (check some of them out at the end of this article) and got a man and woman who had never met before to answer the questions to one another. After that, the 50 or more participants taking part in the study were told that they had to perform a bunch of tasks together like looking into each other’s eyes for four minutes.

After six months, a pair of participants were married and they invited the whole lab to the ceremony. An article in the New York Times appeared where the writer tried this method with another person who was an acquaintance of hers from college. The two of them ended up in love. So is there some truth in this after all?

Just imagine, you are going to spend a lot of your time with one person and that person is supposed to be your life partner. It only makes sense to love that person. Sure, generations of parents have told us that eventually the two of you will fall in love. Does that mean you have to wait for decades? Let’s see if the method that Dr Aron developed can point us to what makes love work.

Love in an arranged marriage

An arranged marriage is a very big life event for a young person and the biggest fear is not forming a strong bond with your partner. It only makes sense that the young couple-to-be spends time getting to know each other first.

Dr Aron’s study could be a great way to help you fall in love as soon as possible and make your relationship strong from the very beginning.

The first and most important step is making sure both parties genuinely want to fall in love with each other because no methods can make people fall in love against their will.

This desire to fall in love starts with getting to know the person on a deeper level and this is step one of the program, which involves asking and answering 36 questions about yourself. The 36 questions that you honestly answer are deeply personal. The idea is that if you share these very deep details about yourself with somebody, you trust them.

Moreover, some of these questions focus on revealing what you like about that person. This is normally the kind of information you don’t usually share immediately. Which physical or mental traits you like about them (their hair, smile or laugh etc.)? In admitting these things, you tell the other person why they are valuable to you and they feel good about that.

Willingness to be in love

Lastly, four minutes doesn’t sound like much but looking into someone’s eyes for that long is a personal boundary that is rarely crossed. If you can get the person whom you will marry to do these things with you, it is definitely going to make the relationship stronger and the love deeper.

There are many factors in love, which might be about timing and nature but sharing your beliefs, deepest secrets, and your willingness to be in love is a choice that can lead you to your life partner.

Try it yourself

Go ahead and try asking some of the questions and see what will happen:

  1. Tell your partner about what you like about them; be very honest.
  2. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
  3. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
  4. take 4 minutes to tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
  5. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
  6. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
  7. What do you value most in a friendship?

Do you think Dr Aron’s techniques would work for you? Leave a comment below or via Facebook: you can find us at Love Matters Kenya and Naija.

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Recent Comments (74)

      1. Thank you for your positive…

        Thank you for your positive feedback Japheth! Stay safe and Happy Easter!

  1. its realy a grant idea,i will
    its realy a grant idea,i will wôrk on it

    1. Thank you Ndonga, all the
      Thank you Ndonga, all the best.

  2. why falling in love make u
    why falling in love make u stupid

    1. Hi Esther, people say love is
      Hi Esther, people say love is blind since once you get to love someone sometimes its difficult to see the wrongs that they do, hence you seem ‘stupid’ .

      1. To me
        Love is not only blind…

        To me
        Love is not only blind ohh
        But heartbreaking

  3. So…. How do we find out
    So…. How do we find out what the questions are?

    1. Hi Jennifer, questions to
      Hi Jennifer, questions to what exactly?

  4. Yaah, I think that method can
    Yaah, I think that method can work, but this may best apply to someone that you might be in close conduct with them, but now how will you go about a Lady that completely moves your feelings immediately as soon as you set your eyes on them and they really look so killing, which might even create total fear in you to approach them, and you end up moving away with a thinking that I may not manage, how do you go about such stranger ladies, coz for me I like beautiful ones. give me best method and way of approach that they can give u their attention.

    1. Hi Desi, why are you not able
      Hi Desi, why are you not able to approach them? Is it that you are shy or just fear rejection. If its rejection that is normal and common and it should not keep you away from approaching one. If its shyness here’s an article that would help .

  5. hw cn i gt 2 knw dt mi
    hw cn i gt 2 knw dt mi partner realy z mi future

  6. y am i so shy wn it kamz 2
    y am i so shy wn it kamz 2 galz

  7. I have fallen in love with a
    I have fallen in love with a guy who is my classmate. I see him most times with other ladies who are my classmates and this makes me very jealous. I don’t know if he feels the same too. what can I do for him to notice me. I am a Muslim too and its therefore forbidden to go out or tell anything to him. please help. I need him to realise my love. thanks.

  8. So you shouldnt fal in love
    So you shouldnt fal in love without the intention of marriage am I right?

  9. thanks very much for the
    thanks very much for the advice

  10. Yeah, i think Dr aron’s
    Yeah, i think Dr aron’s technique wld work. Bt i hv aproblem, i cann’t look into someone eyes for even two minutes so how will overcome that? Thanx

  11. Thanx for all but why is it
    Thanx for all but why is it that when love is started, u feel wanting to be together every minute, u think about each other @ any second, wat causes that? sometimes u fail to work.

  12. The research was good but
    The research was good but most of the respondents were not married.if u could use the snowball method to obtain data from the prostatitutes in the streets u will find that infatuation mostly affects the relationship at earlia levels since girls of these are not vergin for them to be trust and most men will try to involve In sex with the girl as away of strengthening the relationship and without they will brake coz the man will view it as a failure.

  13. There is a girl in my campus…
    There is a girl in my campus I am very attra Ted to her when I see her all I think is how I would devour her body given a change? Is this love? Because I want to ask her out?

    1. Hi Juma, there is a thin…

      Hi Juma, there is a thin line between love and lust. All you seen to think about with this girl is sex. Love is more than just sex, its about getting to know each other, spending quality time together. Remember, that you want to be with her in this way doesn’t that she will also. Have a look at the following article;-

  14. I am looking for someone to…
    I am looking for someone to date any leads?

    1. Dear Joseph, unfortunately…

      Dear Joseph, unfortunately we are not a dating service and for this reason we are not able to help you meet someone. All the best. 

  15. what do you think of an…
    what do you think of an online relationship, is it viable?

  16. I want to get my ex…
    I want to get my ex girlfriend back. I have never stopped thinking and loving her. I just don’t know how to get her back because I hurt her so much?!!

    1. Hey Raph, it’s normal to…

      Hey Raph, it’s normal to feel this way after a break up. The important question is whether your ex is still available and interested in getting back with you. You could consider reaching out to see if she is available and would like to get back. You may want to start by apologizing about what happened. Remember, she may not be interested or be available to get back with you and if this is the case you will have to respect her choice. Have a look at the following article;-

  17. How can I get a girl to…
    How can I get a girl to accept go on a date with me? I am very shy?

  18. I love someone who has…
    I love someone who has refused to love me back, help me?

    1. Dear Maxmilla, I am not sure…

      Dear Maxmilla, I am not sure what help you need. It hurts to love a person who wont love you back, unfortunately you can’t make a person love you back if they don’t want to. All you can do now is to respect their choice and allow yourself to move on. Hopefully with time you will get over this and meet someone new who will love you back and have fulfilling relationship. Check out the following article;-

  19. Does having sex before…
    Does having sex before marriage hurt or help a relationship?

    1. Hello Robbie, this depends…

      Hello Robbie, this depends on the people involved. There are people who prefer or choose to have sex before marriage while there are those who prefer not to have sex until after marriage. It is important to only have sex when one feels ready, when they feel it is the right time and when they feel they are with the right person. This can be before or after marriage.

  20. How to save my broken…
    How to save my broken marriage was my greatest weakness, I faced a broken marriage which I did not wish to give up. My husband was very hot tempered, he always pushes blames to me for causing our marital drawback. Though we are married for 8 years with a daughter but we were still lonely and hopeless in marriage. He gave me a lot of excuses why we cannot our union. I am happy to have seek the help of spell doctor just as advised by Husband. He is the MAN now, the man of my dream. 

    1. Hey Emily, we are glad you…

      Hey Emily, we are glad you found help to save your marriage.

  21. How can I make my man to…
    How can I make my man to love me again

    1. Hello Agatha, if you man no…

      Hello Agatha, if you man no longer loves you, you want to start by finding out what has led to this. If you address the reasons that led to this he may have a change of heart. A good place to begin is having open and honest communication between you and your man. This will help to address the underlying issues and restore your relationship. Have a look at the following article;-

    1. We appreciate the feedback…

      We appreciate the feedback Yusuf.

  22. I once loved someone in the…
    I once loved someone in the past and my boyfriend now doesn’t believe that i love him more than my ex …truly I love him more than him (ex).I’m really confused and I don’t know what to do ..

  23. I am really looking forward…
    I am really looking forward to dating.

  24. What if it your best friend…
    What if it your best friend how will you talk to her

    1. Hey Joy, if you have…

      Hey Joy, if you have feelings for your best friend, the next thing to do is to tell them how you feel. This way you will get to know how they feel toward you, or they feel the same. It is important to note that whether they feel the same or not, this will change your relationship moving forward. Be brave and tell them how you feel. All the best. Check out this article for more tips;-

  25. What if u love and reture…
    What if u love and reture does not love you what you do

    1. Hello Joy, unfortunately,…

      Hello Joy, unfortunately, there is little you can do to make someone to love you if they don’t. All you can do in such a situation is to move on. Sometimes you will love someone and they won’t feel the same way. However, just because one person didn’t accept, it doesn’t mean the next person will also not accept, you just have to keep trying until you meet the person who will love you back. We wish you all the best.

  26. Your idea is good,but I need…
    Your idea is good,but I need a method I use for his love to come back because it seem his not interested again but don’t know how to tell me

    1. Hello there, there is no…

      Hello there, there is no specific way to make a person love you back. Perhaps, considering the issue that led to the lack of interest and addressing it could save the relationship. However, it is important to know when to keep on fighting and when to move on. Reach out to him express your concerns, if possible you both find ways to address the issue. 

  27. I like him but he quit a…
    I like him but he quit a distance from do I make like me back

    1. Hey Gifty, making a long…

      Hey Gifty, making a long distance relationship work can be challenging especially when you are not in a relationship with the person who is away. All you can try and do now it to reach out to him and tell him how you feel. If he feels the same way, you can then agree on how to make the relationship work even thought you are physically apart. Remember, he may not feel the same way and if this is the case you will have to respect his choice. We wish you all the best, have a look at this article for more tips;-

    1. It is love that makes the…

      It is love that makes the world go round. It is okay to be crazy, just be crazy for the person you love Bukky.

    1. Hey Natasha, go ahead and…

      Hey Natasha, go ahead and try it out. 

  28. Love can even make someone…
    Love can even make someone not to fell in love to someone else because if you have already fell in love to someone and he breaks your heart this will make you not to believe in love again

  29. Can a man love you no matter…
    Can a man love you no matter the past

    1. Hi there, yes, a man can…

      Hi there, yes, a man can. Some, may however, have an issue with ones past and this may affect whether or not they have a relationship or even the kind of relationship the partners will have.  

  30. Very good,I must say.But is…
    Very good,I must say.But is it proper to fall in love with a married man?

    1. Hi Genevieve, you may not be…

      Hi Genevieve, you may not be able to control who you fall in love with. The important question is what you do when you get to know that the man you love is married? It is important to think about what the relationship is. For instance, is the man cheating on his wife or planning to be married as a second wife? This is a personal decision, you have to think about what is acceptable to you. 

  31. I love these techniques, i…
    I love these techniques, i will walk on them.

    1. We truly wish you all the…

      We truly wish you all the best Chris.

  32. Just need one to satisfy…
    Just need one to satisfy sexual desire but sgain can lead to proper relationship

    1. Hello Henry, Love Matters…

      Hello Henry, Love Matters Africa is not a dating service and for this reason we are not able to help you meet someone. We wish you all the best. 

  33. How do u make a guy fall…
    How do u make a guy fall madly in love with you

  34. Hello tiwalola, that is a…

    Hello tiwalola, that is a great question. Truth is, there is no one way to make someone fall in love with you because different people like different things and find different things attractive. The best thing to do is just be yourself and a person will walk into your life that loves you just the way you are.

  35. Thanks for the awesome…

    Thanks for the awesome feedback ma! Have a wonderful week ahead and stay safe!

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