Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

How can I get her to love again?

By Valentine Njoroge June 20, 06:00 am
I asked a girl I really love to date me. But she said that she can't because, after a series of heartbreaks, she's unable to love. How can I gain her trust and love?

Trust and grief

Congratulations on identifying that the thing that's missing is trust!

Like the girl you are in love with said, she has been hurt. However, what she might not realize is how heartbreak makes us doubt ourselves and our decision-making process. She may not trust herself to pick the right man; especially while she is still grieving.

Other options

It is good that you have made your feelings and your agenda clear. You are in love with her, and you want to be with her.

Because she is not ready to be in a relationship with you, is there another option that works for the two of you?

If you can, offer her your friendship. This will give you a chance to get to know each other.

Building trust

The only way to build someone’s trust in you is to be trustworthy and reliable. Keep your word and all the promises you make to her. That includes seemingly small things like calling when you say you will and turning up on time. 

Women also open up to communicative men who are open about themselves and willing to listen to us. Let her share what she is going through and help her on her journey of getting over the heartbreaks of the past.

You could try new things together so that she begins to associate ‘safety in new experiences’ with you. You must also respect her ‘no’ if and when she says it.

Keep in mind that there are no guarantees. She may get over her ex and start dating other people. Or she may not be able to build trust for you. That will hurt you.

Only you can decide if she is worth the risk of your own heartbreak.

Related: Why I'm So Scared Of Relationships

Heartbreak is tricky business. How do you deal with it? Leave a comment or join the discussion on our Facebook pages Love Matters Kenya and Naija.

Did you learn something new?

Tue, 11/04/2014 - 11:31 pm
hi,there is a gal that i love en i want her in ma life,bt she dont want to simply because she is older than me wit a year en she is a lesbian we do go out for lunch,dinner..plz i need ua help because i really love this girl
H Hussein, if she indeed is homosexual, then there is absolutely nothing you can do. She is not interested in a sexual relationship with a man, and there is nothing you or she can change about that. Sorry!
love matters.i hv thiz guy whm i love very,we knew each other through chatrum,and their after i went and meet him.we fall in lv and there after we started dating.bat 4 2months ago thiz guy has changed so much.he stop texting, a tym i can cal bat he wil end up nt ansering.same 2 text message.bat wen i asked him,he said he's having problem with some issues at their rural home.wat should i do.
Hi Val, give him some time, but be supportive. If it continues for too long, you need to bring it up again. If he is stressed, it's possible that he is absent minded for a bit, but don't put up with it for too long.
I have a girl am datin, she has cheatd on me 3 tyms wt 3 difrnd guys. Each tym she apologise wt tears neva 2 repeat again nd dat she loves me so much. D last one realy hurts me cuz she wuz wt my child nd i wuz takin very gud kr of her nd al her nids, we broke up bt her Family brot us brk.. We hav d Child nw bt no trust cuz even thou we stil datin, i hav anoda girl that loves me so very much nd i hav filins 4 her 2, she knows about d afair nd blame herslf 4 it thou. Wat shuld i do nw cuz i dnt kno y i jus knt tel her 2 go out of my life? Both of them hav met and knows themslf, my oda gal nw wants me av a child wt her cus she tinks i myt leave her for my 1st gal cuz of her child. Pls advise me on hw 2 handle diz. Thanks
Hi JJay, you need to figure out what you want. Playing them both isn't a good idea. Take some time to really think and figure out what you want, and make your decision based on that!
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