1001 uses for a condom
Condoms save millions of lives every year. Unfortunately, this fact often works to overshadow other great ways condoms can be used. To make art! To start fires! … These news flashes and more in this week’s Sex in the Press.
To prove a point!
‘Sorry honey I can’t use a condom; my dick’s too big,’ remains one of the big excuses of our times.
It was even the subject of a recent debate in Uganda’s Parliament: ‘Uganda’s men protest: our condoms are too small’.
But in general, it’s bullshit: ‘Singer Zara Larsson put a condom on her leg to prove no man is “too big”’.
The condom reached her knee.
As a cheap alternative to a Swiss Army knife!
‘As multi-functional survival uses are concerned, the condom offers an incredible BANG for your buck,’ says the author.
Condoms can be employed to store water (Holds up to two litres!), start fires (Keeps kindling dry! Burns real good!) and hunt small game (Slingshot!). Condoms can even help cure deep-bush loneliness (Blow one up! Draw a happy face on it! Share your feelings!).
‘Hurt feelings and a flying box of condoms led to misdemeanour charges for a Bradenton couple over the holidays,’ according to ‘Florida woman busted for throwing condoms’
The woman hit her hubby in the head “leaving minor bruising to the eye area”.
She pleaded self-defence.
As artistic muse!
Condom manufacturers Durex set high standards with their famous commercial, ‘Get It On’, which featured randy animals made out of inflated condoms. So cute.
The ad inspired many to embrace ‘balloon art’, and today the condom arts & crafts scene is exploding with people creating condom tunnels, condom skulls and condom abstract art.
For the catwalk!
The Brazilian artist Adriana Bertini makes dresses using expired or defective condoms. For a wedding gown alone, she managed to recycle a total of 80 000 condoms.
‘The Brazilian said public reaction was always surprising, with some embracing it while others say it’s inappropriate.’
Offend devout Jews and Muslims! And other pork haters!
Speaking of the potentially inappropriate: ‘J&D’s bacon-flavoured condoms: these condoms look like bacon and taste like bacon’.
Their marketing tagline: ‘Make your meat, look like meat.’
And if that’s not enough: ‘J&D’s baconlube™ ultra-premium water-based meat-flavoured personal lubricant has been generously applied inside and out for an even more hot pork experience.’
For more chewing pleasure!
In other food-related condom news: ‘Cabbages & Condoms restaurant set to open in Cheltenham’. As a subsidiary of a famed Bangkok restaurant, this new London establishment will mix fine Thai cuisine with a positive safe sex message. Their slogan: “Our food is guaranteed not to cause pregnancy.”
In a similar, um, vein: ‘Things get weird in Japan; rice now served in condoms’. A cookbook called Condom Meals I Want To Make For You ‘contains 11 utterly delicious recipes’ that use condoms as a cooking vessel. Think: ‘Condom Meat Stuffing’, ‘Condom Escargot Cooked with Butter’ and ‘Condom Cookies.’
Is there anything a condom can’t do?
What’s your favourite recreational use for a condom? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Facebook.