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Family disagreements

Family disagreements are bound to happen from time to time. How you deal with them will lay the ground for future relationships with your respective parents.

What if you really love your partner and are sure you want to get married to them, but your parents just don’t agree with your decision? It could be because your partner belongs to another race, religion, or tribe. It could also be, for example, because they don’t approve of your lover’s profession or financial status, or how they behave, or what their family represents.

You don’t want to let your parents down and hurt their feelings. At the same time, you want to live your life with someone you love. Here are some tips to help you get through this difficult phase:

  • Be honest with your parents. Let your parents know why you think you’ve made the right choice.
  • Have your families meet each other, if possible. Dining together is a good idea.
  • Listen to what your parents’ objections and worries are. Know that they love you and want to see you happy. Value their experience about life and relationships. Talk openly what they like and do not like about your relationship.
  • Clear your parents’ doubts. Once you know why they think your partner isn’t fit for you, answer their questions. Convince them of your decision, using examples and anecdotes.
  • Don’t threaten or blackmail your parents. This could only complicate the situation. They won’t feel free to express themselves freely, and they might respond with anger or lecturing. If your parents emotionally blackmail you, let them know that it isn’t constructive. Tell them you’re open to dialogue.
  • Be patient. Prejudices that have piled up over years won’t disappear in a week or two. Give your parents time. Be ready to engage and discuss the issue, for as long as they are asking.
  • Find other family members who might support your decision. Differing opinions from within the family could make your parents think deeper about their views.
  • Try family counselling. Expert help from a counsellor can help resolve even the most complicated of issues.
  • Keep your partner in the loop throughout the process. Find ways to stay together and spend time that isn’t just stressful. Listen to your parents’ advice, and observe how they behave during such a difficult time in your life.

Get help

Of course, this approach won’t always work. We think it’s always best to talk, but sometimes it’s not possible to negotiate with your family, especially in conservative settings. If you need help and advice, don’t shy away from contacting these services:

One2One Hotline: 1190 (free from any Safaricom line)

Kenya Marriage Counselling: 0721743977

Rescue Counsellors: 0726293913*

*We currently list Kenyan help only. This will change in the future.

Comments
Anonymous
Sat, 11/11/2017 - 20:16
Am passing through the same...am a Kikuyu with a luo man and rearly wants to marry.I tried talking to my mum but she said it can't happen I love the man so much and I don't knw wat to do
Sorry about this, does your mom abject the tribe or the person? Take time to listen to what exactly the objection is this you maybe able to address her concerns. Sometimes if possible, meeting your partner may help. Talk to your partner, let him know what is going on and lastly be patient with your mom. We wish you well.
Hide identity
Wed, 12/13/2017 - 08:46
I have been having issues with my husband because of ladies that cal him and he claims that he has nothing to do with them n that he lives me but sometimes he comes home drunk and he blames me for his drinking I sometimes don't understand him he gets violent sometimes but I forgive him the question is is there really life in this marriage
Hey, the important question is whether you feel your relationship has a chance. It is important you find a good time and talk with your partner about the issues that are affecting your relationship so that you can together agree on how to proceed. Violence is not acceptable in a relationship, do talk about this also so you can address the underlying issues that are causing this. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/happy-relationships/tips-for-talking-to-your-partner
Hi,We tried come we stay marriage because my man didn't have financial support. I was the only one working. There was so much family interference from his family especially when we quarrel. We have one son but currently separated. He says he cant hurt his family because of me. Recently we quarreled then he reported me to his family who advised home to marry another woman.No one bothered to hear me out. The family doesn't want him even to contact me. So I moved out with our son.Does this mean families are ever right?
Hi Mary, So sorry about this. All relationships will have problems from time to time. How the partners in the relationship choose to resolve the issues is what make the greatest difference as to whether they will keep the relationship or not. It is important for partners to shield their relationship from outside interference even from family. One can carefully seek advice from people or even relatives who will true and objective in their advice, but they have to make the final decision themselves. Your partner seems to listen more to everyone else and not to you or even to himself. Families are not always right especially when they are only listening to one side of the story. It is a good thing you choose to move out especially because of the violence. We do wish you.

Hey Isha, religion differences in a relationship is a major issue in any relationship. it is important for you and your partner to think about these differences and how they may affect your relationship moving forward including what your parents think and how their opinion affects your relationship. Should you choose to move forward, take time to think and talk about what this will mean to your relationship, and then choose how to proceed. Check out the following articles;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/marriage/thinking-about-marriage/the-big-decision-how-do-i-know

https://lovemattersafrica.com/marriage/thinking-about-marriage/family-disagreements

Hey Grace, I can imagine how difficult this is for you and your partner. Religious differences can present challenges particularly for families involved. You need to think about the consequences of the options you have, breaking up or eloping. Take sometime and think about what kind of relationship you want in the future and then make a decision on how to proceed. Check out the following article for additional information;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/marriage/thinking-about-marriage/the-big-decision-how-do-i-know

Anonymous
Fri, 06/29/2018 - 13:38
This is very difficult for me, I am dating a person from a different race and my parents do g this can work. They have been against the relationship from day one. I have done everything to make them be accepting of this guy that I love but they won't hear any it. It is sad that they are objecting someone they have not even met. I am at a point where I will hose to elope I can't figure out life with him.

Hi, so sorry about this. At times parents will make decision believing they are protecting their children or at times it may just be decisions in their best interest. It is however important that you try and figure out exactly why they are opposed to your relationship. What exactly about the race are they opposed to. This maybe able to help you address their concerns and have them accept your partner. Also, you may consider having a close family friend or relative to talk to your parents on your behalf. Lastly, you can also explore whether they would be willing to meet your partner before they pass judgement and the plan to make this happen. Be honest with your partner through this. We wish you well. 

Hi Eli, religious values are some of the deep seated values that people hold. It is important that partners with differing religious beliefs and values have an honest conversation about how these beliefs will be affected should they choose to get married, what it means to them and what it will mean to their families, if they plan to have children how they will raise them among other issues that are different and are likely to affect the relationship. A relationship may or may not work, at times both partners can choose to abandon their beliefs or one of them will choose to abandon their beliefs in favor of their partner's. It is important that both partners talk about these differences honestly, a conversation that will inform whether they should proceed or not. Have a look at the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/marriage/thinking-about-marriage/the-big-decision-how-do-i-know

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