‘It’s just a slap, get over it,’ he said…
‘I was in a four-year-long relationship but it was after it ended that I learnt I was in an abusive relationship since the first day,’ says Rina.
Rina’s name has been changed.
It started with criticism about my likes, my dislikes, my dressing sense, my makeup, everything. I didn’t realise this was not his love or concern or him being protective, it was plain manipulation.
Threats of suicide were a common feature during fights. He isolated me from my friends and family and made sure he was the only one who cared for me. I was totally dependent on him emotionally and mentally. I had lost my identity. This continued for two years and all this while I thought it was part of ‘adjustments’ and ‘compromises’ you make in a relationship.
The first slap
Then there was the D-day. We had an argument during which I cursed him in front of our friends. This ticked him off. When we were alone, he slapped me and his reasons were clear. How dare I abuse him in front of everyone!
I was in shock, pain, anger, hurt and just stunned. ‘If I can hit you, you can also hit me,’ that was his rule. After getting some sense about what happened I hit him back, although it was nothing compared to the blow I had received.
It was over for me, in my head. I will not take any physical abuse. But that’s easier said than done when you are with an emotional psychopath. They are the kings of manipulation and emotional blackmail. I was made to realise, I deserved it and it was my fault. I did not leave.
You let them end it and that’s how you get freedom.
Stay away from negatives
Two to three months later, he slapped me again during a fight. I could not believe it was happening again, after so many apologies. Again, I did not leave. I stayed because he would not let go of me. It sounds ridiculous but I didn’t have the strength to deal with the drama, so I stayed.
I had been dragging this relationship for more than a year and would continue to do so for another year. I still tried to make it work, to forget everything, but it does not work that way. One needs to get away from anything that has a negative impact on you and your life.
I never trusted him after this incident and would always question his apologies. To which his reply would be, ‘It’s just a slap, get over it.’ This was the final nail in the coffin.
I wanted out; he did not understand the gravity of his action and how much he had hurt me and I didn’t have the patience to make him understand. It took a lot of courage and support from my friends to finally end it, to deal with the drama. By this time he too had given up, he knew I would not stay this time.
You let them end it and that’s how you get freedom.
You would think this would be it, I’d be a free bird, but no.
Sexual abuse
You would think this would be it, I’d be a free bird, but no. There was something that did not let me sleep at night. An incident which haunted me in my dreams, which made me sick and I couldn’t figure out what it was.
One day I looked up the meaning of consent and everything was clear thereafter. The love of my life had sexually assaulted me when I was passed out. I had not given my consent. You know how women are told to satisfy men. That’s why I stayed quiet.
This had happened after the slapping incidents. I don’t think he realised what he did and how it affected me. I have forgiven him in my head. And I’m glad that the chapter is closed for me.
Finding love again
I am 26 and have been single for more than two years now. I still haven’t given up on love. I have realised that I am a hopeless romantic and have to be careful not to be in love with the idea of being in love.
At the end I would like to share my favourite, ‘God doesn’t give you the people you want; he gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be.’
Do you agree with Rina? Leave your comments below or via Facebook. If you have a question, please visit our forum.
Tell us what you think
Recent Comments (60)
Not me. Even when he says he
Not me. Even when he says he will hit me I close it off. There is a beast here calls Fred Nd… If he gets to you after that, you would give any man that comes to your face poison.
Thanks for sharing that with
Thanks for sharing that with us Gorret.
follow ur heart
follow ur heart
Thanks for that Dan.
Thanks for that Dan.
sori swt,but surely u need to
sori swt,but surely u need to take time before u fall in love again but u nid to plead with GOD for a gd hubby provision and yr personal quakities not ignored.
Thanks you for sharing your
Thanks you for sharing your thoughts and for the input.
Pls if u date a guy who claim
Pls if u date a guy who claim he loves u with his live and will not give any money even when he no u it most it is really love also force u to made love to u whenever u are tired
5G3EL
Hi Abi,
Hi Abi,
That sounds like an abusive relationship. N one should force you to do something that you do not want.
Check out this article to learn more https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/abusive-relationships .
I hav a guy who said he loves
I hav a guy who said he loves bt he is harsh sumtyms dat He even slap me then when he discover dat am hurt he will come back begging and crying for me to for give him and I will for give because i love him my dad was not in soupport of d relationship and he ask us to quite by we couldn’t do it so one day he called for a meeting and ask Dis guy wat Did you have with my daughter and he said she is just my friend he deny me in front of my dad and then now he is asking me to give him dat he will go and see my dad and talk to him should I forgive him I still love him
My dear wake up. Even after
My dear wake up. Even after he gets to marry you he will deny you one day
Thanks for the input Chris.
Thanks for the input Chris.
Hi Joyce,
Hi Joyce,
No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. There is nothing like just a slap, abuse is abuse and starts with the little things.
Read more here https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/abusive-relationships .
I have a man who claims to
I have a man who claims to love me. bt cant dare help me when I have a problem financially.he says we r well of n can’t lack money..n promise to do it after marriage,,bt when he wants sex,he forcefully wants us to meet no matter wat..plz help
If the man is Working and can
If the man is Working and can’t help you even for once financially and then He forcefully demand sex from you. My dear he has no regard for you, besides he sees you as as a sex toy
Thanks for offering your
Thanks for offering your advice.
Hi Bhoke,
Hi Bhoke,
It sounds as though you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse is not physical only. Read more here https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/abusive-relationships .
Every problem is GOT an ideal
Every problem is GOT an ideal solution. Let God lead u into any relationship so that whenever you encounter problems, you can always go back to him. Nobody is PERFECT! We all have our levels of tolerance(even God too). Lets rmber that a word rightly spoken is lik apples of gold in frames of silver and also too, soft answer turns away wrath(anger, revenge, bitterness etc).
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
no no no,not me i end it once
no no no,not me i end it once en for all
Thanks for sharing that with
Thanks for sharing that with us.
Hey bn dating a guy for a
Hey bn dating a guy for a whole year bt wen it comes to issues of cash he gives excuses, bt wen he needs me he wants me to be always available
Hi Liz,
Hi Liz,
It sounds like you are in a one sided relationship. read more here to find out https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/abusive-relationships .
i have my girl friend when we
i have my girl friend when we meet together nothing she tell me but when she go back home start calling on my phone pls what should i do.. .?
Hi Ivan,
Hi Ivan,
It sounds as though she is shy. Keep on talking and eventually she might be able to face you and tell you the same things.
I have being I Lov with dis
I have being I Lov with dis girl DAT claim DAT she Lov me BT my worries is she no care for me nt even to call me BT if call sometime she will pick sometimes wouldn’t and if we have quarrel she will tellm
Thanks for sharing your story
Thanks for sharing your story with us.
I once called off a
I once called off a relationship over the threat of a slap and fir three long months he begged and appologized and I didn’t hear it. its nit because I didn’t love him, no. I loved him with every piece of me but My DIGNITY came first. I come first n every woman should chose to come first in their lives and their men second. its only that way that the right people will stay and the wrong ones leave.
Thanks for sharing that with
Thanks for sharing that with us Suzzane.
Its good to study each one
Its good to study each one of you before falling into low coz many times many men cheat that they love you but it is not therefore be keen and ask if the man/have characteristics eg honest,faithful and many others.
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
Linda da best move was moving
Linda da best move was moving on, am still struggling to move out en on tho…
Thanks for that Grace. Also
Thanks for that Grace. Also read https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/after-the-break-up .
thanks very much 4 guidance
thanks very much 4 guidance
You are welcome Che.
You are welcome Che.
NONYA MUKAZI
NONYA MUKAZI
What does that mean Julias.
What does that mean Julias.
I have a guy we have been in
I have a guy we have been in a relationship for 6yrs,ma parents don’t know him, he forces me to produce for him but if I tell him to first see ma parents he just keep on promising, he makes his secrete plans alone, he rarely gives me financial support and if I try to ask him he just keep on apologising but repeats the same case. Advise me does he love me for real? Wat should I do
Hi Linda,
Hi Linda,
It sounds as though he is very controlling, read more here to get some insight https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/abusive-relationships .
getting into love is never a
getting into love is never a day job u have to study each other before falling into it. Before a lady will be in love seek for d knowledge of God, only God can give u who ur heart desire, for can cheat.
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us.
there is this girl who got me
there is this girl who got me very angry but becauseI know hw angry i was I was leaving my room for her going our to comeback whn my temper is down but she held my cloth tht I most not go anywhere so I had to hit her hand off my cloth to go cool my temper outer my room l…pls was I wrong???
Yes you were wrong to hit her
Yes you were wrong to hit her. Anger is bad but we can all learn to control it.
The problem with mine is his
The problem with mine is his high jealousy rate! any guy close to me becomes a case? and I need these friends for business purposes! what do I do
You need to talk it over with
You need to talk it over with your partner and come to an understanding where both of you know your expectations of each other.
am in r/shp with a guy and we
am in r/shp with a guy and we can stay fo one wèek without any communication at lng last he told mi i av hated him thuz y he decided to mute now he z tellng mi that,he wants to marry mi …plz ##advice
Its sounds like both of you
Its sounds like both of you need to work on your communication.
Here’s an article that can help https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/communication .
i agree with Rina
i agree with Rina
Glad that you do.
Glad that you do.
Most relationship r really
Most relationship r really abusive. Pipo just don’t know, there r des jealous type, sexual abusers etc. But putting yoself all priority s better i think. Tums for da advice
Thanks for that input Julie.
Thanks for that input Julie.
I am in lves with this girl
I am in lves with this girl,over 6yrs on a gud day.ths gal writ to me dat she is no more interest again nd nothing happen between us,because everybody in nd family knw us we are togethe bt realy i lve her what should i doing thank u love matter
Sorry about the break up.
Sorry about the break up. Breaks up are never easy to deal with.
Here is an article that can help https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/after-the-break-up .
Av been in a relationship for
Av been in a relationship for four yrs,she had a true touching love to me at in that she offer me anythng i need eg credit,that pushes ma heart towards her and i felt her real love,bt after two mnths she travelled home away frm ma place bt still communication wa strong,bt after few months she went silent in that my calls were sturbon to her,she also assume my sms as well as ma calls,i gave up and she remains silent for an year,at the end of it she came back and apologize and i forgave her,i return her back to my hrt and after three years she got ajob then she dissappear the same way she deed at first in the name of am not trusting her coz i got a vedio of her kissng wth another guy to ask her she became untouchable,we’ve knw end the rltionship bt still begging her to cme back she’ve refused plz help
Hi Jare,
Hi Jare,
Sorry that you are going through this with your partner.
Find out more about on and off relationship here https://lovematters.co.ke/news/again-again-relationship-dangers .
I just keep mum to prevent da
I just keep mum to prevent da outcome.
Thanks for the input.
Thanks for the input.
Relationship can last or
Relationship can last or break it all depend on u and also de decision u make in life what u want from it sometimes ur clothes and what u say tell they kind of person u are just be careful
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Martha.
my swthat hz alot of qtns,
my swthat hz alot of qtns, alot of where, why,what, with who,until wen…..samtyms even fear picking his kols wen in public coz of de long demanded explanation
he even wants me hom always even though we dont live together, & i feel he doesnt trust me
how do i get him trust me coz i love him so much & I dont wish to let him go
Hi Alice,
Hi Alice,
Its sounds like the two of you need to talk about your expectations of each other and what you feel is realistic for your relationship.