Jealousy: top five facts
Jealousy – that gnawing feeling when you see your lover flirting with someone else. Or you overhear a phone call from an ex. Maybe you suspect your partner is cheating. Or maybe you’re just the jealous type. Too much jealousy can wreck a relationship…
What is jealousy?
Jealousy can be plain envy – a feeling deep down inside of you that you badly want something that someone else has. You might be jealous of someone’s clothes, car or house.
It can also be the fear of losing somebody you care about – an angry, possessive feeling. A feeling of rejection. Like a child feels jealous if their parent gets a new partner. In love, jealousy is the fear of losing your partner. Or the anger you feel about your ex having a new partner.
Pretty much anybody will feel jealous at some point, and a bit of jealousy is perfectly normal. There may always be some insecurity when it comes to your partner’s feeling towards you or other people. It gets difficult though when your jealousy starts interfering with your relationship and you don’t trust your partner anymore.Seven causes for jealousy
There are seven very common causes for jealousy, research found.
One: top of the list, a partner’s ex – more on this tricky topic in fact three.
Two: also a no-brainer: you are afraid your partner will leave you for someone else.
Three: also makes sense: your partner has a history of infidelity and you are afraid he or she will cheat again, this time on you.
Four: your partner has family or friends you reckon may have a bad influence on your partner or encourage cheating. That’s bound to create bad feelings between you!
Five is a bit more complicated: you feel insecure when you don’t know where your partner is or what he or she is up to. But snooping around will eventually drive both of you up the wall, so it’s better to be honest about your feelings!
Six: your partner lies about small things. So you might reason, who’s to say they won’t lie about bigger things?.
Seven goes hand in hand with number six: he or she does thing that make you question your trust. Trust is the key to a healthy and happy relationship – read more in fact five.
Excruciating exes
More on a very common cause for jealousy: your partner’s ex. It’s pretty natural, don’t you think? The other person knows your partner just as intimately as you do. They share a history, years or months of relationships, inside jokes… It’s easy to feel intimidated by an ex, especially if your partner is still friends with the ex.
Hard as it may be, there is only one thing you can do: swallow your emotions and put a smile on your face. Because getting upset with your partner every time the ex is mentioned is bound to create hard feelings from both sides. But you may want to let your partner know how you are feeling – without turning it into a row. And just remember: they broke up for a reason, so your partner is unlikely to be with you if there are still strong feelings left for the ex!
Jealousy and lunch
We’re still not quite done with exes. Because there is more to the whole issue, and it’s about food. It seems that sharing lunch or dinner with your ex will cause more severe feelings of jealousy than a telephone chat. Meeting up to chow with your ex is likely to make your current partner wild with rage, scientists found.
Exchanging emails with an ex seems to cause the least jealousy. Chatting on the phone or meeting for a quick coffee makes new partners somewhat more jealous. But it’s the shared meals that really get feelings to boiling.
By the way, are girls or guys more likely to get jealous? It seems there’s no difference – among US college students anyway. A study found no differences between men and women when it came to feelings of jealousy.Honesty and trust
Being overly jealous could ruin your relationship in the end. That’s probably the exact opposite of what you wanted. But there are some things you can do to avoid a nasty break-up.
First, as always, talk to your partner. Be honest and describe your feelings as objectively as possible and try to find a solution together. Try to find a way that both of you feel comfortable with.
Secondly, look into why you are jealous. Has your partner (or a former partner) given you reason to be jealous? Try to get to the bottom of your feelings – it might make it easier to cope with them.
Finally, once again, you need to realize that the basis of all relationships is trust. You need to trust that your partner wants to be with you and you only. If you can’t trust him or her, even if you rationally think about your jealous feelings, you may want to reconsider your relationship.
Do you have any tips for dealing with jealousy? Leave a comment below or join our Facebook discussions.
Tell us what you think
Recent Comments (66)
AM JEALOUSY WEN I SO MA
AM JEALOUSY WEN I SO MA BOYFRD WID ANODER GUY
Hi Maureen,
Hi Maureen,
thanks for your comment!
Why were you jealous? Were you afraid he could secretly be gay?
I FEEL JEALOUSY AND HURT WHEN
I FEEL JEALOUSY AND HURT WHEN I SEE MY HUBBY TO BE FRIENDS ARE ALL LADIES STARTING FROM FB, WHATSAPP AND EVEN PHONE TEXTS……
Hi Rohzieh, that can hurt
Hi Rohzieh, that can hurt indeed. Have you told him this? Sometimes talking about it and being reassured that there is nothing to worry about can help!
Hi Rohzieh,, all you need to…
Hi Rohzieh,, all you need to do is talk to him about it, tell him you’re not feeling right and that he has to end that
I FEEL JEALOUSY AND HURT…
I FEEL JEALOUSY AND HURT WHEN I SEE MY HUBBY TO BE FRIENDS ARE ALL LADIES STARTING FROM FB, WHATSAPP AND EVEN PHONE TEXTS……
Hello Lizzy, thank you for…
Hello Lizzy, thank you for reaching out to us. We are sorry you are going through such a hard time.
Communication is an important part of any relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Explain how their actions are affecting you and the relationship. Try not to be confrontational because that would put them on the defensive and the resulting conversation would not be productive. Be ready to listen to their fears and feelings and respond to them as well.
This article has some pointers that could help you learn how to better communicate.
https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/better-communication-better-relationships
My partner did not have time…
My partner did not have time for me
Ayo, someone who does not…
Ayo, someone who does not set time to be with you is not interested in the relationship. If they were interested they would make time. You deserve better.
what do when he tells you in
what do when he tells you in the face he is going to other women,still not be jealous
Hi Sheela,
Hi Sheela,
it’s normal to feel jealous, especially in a situation like that! It’s hurtful and it would almost be strange if you weren’t jealous!
But jealous in a relationship can be a problem, if it’s unfound or extreme jealousy.
hi I always get jealous n can
hi I always get jealous n can’t even control it n it kills me mo Dan it does to hm wish we could just stay in our own planet, I hv ds love dt I dont want secret n no phone locks my phone is hr phone I use any as much as she can do de same
Hi Sfiso,
Hi Sfiso,
jealousy can be a big problem indeed. But it’s a great first step you are aware of it, and willing to work on it. Trust is essential for a good relationship, so keep working on it!
Am jealous when i see ma
Am jealous when i see ma hubby to be exchanging messages with other girls
Hi Christine,
Hi Christine,
I would say that’s normal. Have you talked to him about that? If he tells you this is nothing to worry about and you trust him, let it go. But if he gets sneaky or defensive, you might want to be a bit careful.
hi,i’m always jealous wen mah
hi,i’m always jealous wen mah hubby always chating wid her workmate & sometimes his ex even if he is at home relaxing.
Hi Betty,
Hi Betty,
have you talked to him about this?
If he doesn’t know it bothers you, there is nothing he will do about it.
Talk to him and see if there is a solution that works for both of you.
I don’t trust my girl thats
I don’t trust my girl thats why i get jealous over her,so what should i do.
Hi Promise,
Hi Promise,
you need to learn how to trust her.
Are there specific reasons why you think you can’t trust her?
Trust is essential to a good relationship. Without trust, sooner or later, things will go wrong. So talk about your issues and try to find a solution together.
hi, i always feel jealous
hi, i always feel jealous wen ma hubby is talking with ladies through the phone,
Hi Shiks,
Hi Shiks,
Have you talked to him about this? If he doesn’t know it bothers you, there is nothing he can do or change about it.
I love my boyfriend with all
I love my boyfriend with all my heart,but am jealousy whenever I saw him charting, communicating with lady’s,have talked about it says will stop but no changes,advice plz.
Hi Maryann,
Hi Maryann,
Do you have any reason to believe anything is happening with other ladies? And have you told him how it makes you feel when he does it? Have another conversation with him and see what happened.
May mind got serious jelous 2
May mind got serious jelous 2 my girl frind,when i call her user busy..Pls hw can i get free?
Hi Saeed,
Hi Saeed,
jealousy is something quite normal. But, unfortunately, you will need to learn how to deal with it. Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her about your feelings. And when she tells you that you have nothing to worry about, you need to believe her. Trust and honesty are two important components in a relationship; and so are learning how to trust and being honest. Good luck!
May mind got serious jelous 2
May mind got serious jelous 2 my girl frind,when i call her user busy..Pls hw can i get free 4rm this prlm
i get jealous all the tym n i
i get jealous all the tym n i dont understand the reason always. Dere is some of his fb frnds(girls)he talk over phn wid dem. We r in a long distance relationship from Last 3years. Sometimes i feel so insecure abt him. His ex’s still text him n he replies. I jst feel awful n if i say anything he jst started shout at me.
Hi Anu,
Hi Anu,
sorry about that!
What is worrying for us isn’t that he is talking to other girls, it’s the fact he shouted at you when you addressed it. Did this happen just once? It’s important to be able to voice your fears in a relationship. You need to talk and discuss issues to have an honest relationship. Try to talk to him again. If he shouts again, you should start to think about if you really want to be in a relationship like this. Good luck!
my boyfriend is still
my boyfriend is still chatting with his ex saying that they miss each each other and he still calls her names like baby. if i ask him about it it becomes an issue and he scolds me for looking at his phone. he even warns me that if i look at his texts i will get hurt for no reasons. i found out that he talks to many other girls on fb. our relationship is still new but he doesnt even tell me that he loves me or misses and if i tell him that i love him he laughs at me. when we are in public he doesnt even want to hold my hand but when we r alone he is all over me he doesnt like contact with me like kissing,hugging,holding hands with me apart fron when he wants sex and after he gets it he distance himself from me. i have tried to talk abt this with him but he just laughs or say nothing. is this healthy or what should i do.
my boyfriend is still
my boyfriend is still chatting with his ex saying that they miss each each other and he still calls her names like baby. if i ask him about it it becomes an issue and he scolds me for looking at his phone. he even warns me that if i look at his texts i will get hurt for no reasons. i found out that he talks to many other girls on fb. our relationship is still new but he doesnt even tell me that he loves me or misses and if i tell him that i love him he laughs at me. when we are in public he doesnt even want to hold my hand but when we r alone he is all over me he doesnt like contact with me like kissing,hugging,holding hands with me apart fron when he wants sex and after he gets it he distance himself from me. i have tried to talk abt this with him but he just laughs or say nothing. is this healthy or what should i do.
Hi there,
Hi there,
first: it’s not good to check someone’s phone, even if you suspect they are cheating on you.
Secondly, it sound like you are in an unhealthy relationship and that he doesn’t care much about you. I suggest you talk to him one more time about the things that hurt you and see how he reacts. And if he still isn’t ready to change something, you should consider if you really want to be with him. Good luck!
is it ok if my boyfriend does
is it ok if my boyfriend does not tell me things like he loves or misses me we are far away but he doesnt. he doesnt call me or text unless i do it first. am i too insecure
Hi Betty,
Hi Betty,
that sounds like you are more invested in this relationship than he is. And that’s not a good place to be. So talked to him. Address the issue and let him know it makes you feel insecure. Be nice, but firm. Ask him if there is a reason for him behaving like this. Ideally, and if he is open to it, you could already suggest a few things that the two of you could change, such as calling each other every few days at an arranged time, and one time he calls, the other time you call. But do talk to him about it, in all honesty. Good luck!
hi my boyfriend has a long
hi my boyfriend has a long list of ladies he chats with on whatsapp n exchanges pictures,when they call and am around he hungs up.whats is that?im so jealous till i stopped talking to him.
Hi Velma,
Hi Velma,
you need to talk to him about this. He needs to realize that it hurts you when he does it and he needs to understands that you feel like he is cheating on you. Tell him and try to find a solution that works for both of you! Good luck!
mine is different because my
mine is different because my boyfriend is almost killing me of jealousy I dont know what to do he asked me to give him my facebook password and email and I did as he say but its hello on earth for me right now
Hi Dalanda,
Hi Dalanda,
your boyfriend has an issue. What he has done is not cool. You need to talk to him, and he has to work on himself to get over his problem. You can try to help him, but he needs to realize that he has a problem. This will be difficult, we hope you will get through it well!
With me,my partner has lots
With me,my partner has lots of girlfriends & promises to end the relationships cos the reason for these
My partner is divorced & he
My partner is divorced & he has a streamline of girlfriends,i only found out about these women after a long time in this relationship,he has 2 kids with 2 women,he chose to stay with me,he respects me,he cares & he spends time with me,if i didn’t know about these women,i would not suspect that he was cheating,he plays his cards so well. My problem is that these women call him,send messages,it hurts cos i luv him & i know that he loves me but he won’t stop seeing them,others even ask for sex,he has promised to end these relationships,how do i stop feeling
jealous,is it possible?
Conty,
Conty,
you have every reason to be jealous! Your partner is cheating on you, even if it does it somewhat openly, so you should be feeling jealous. Let me ask you, what would he say if you did all this with other men? Would he try everything to stop feeling jealous?
He has promised to end them but doesn’t seem to hold up his promises. Talk to him. Tell him how much it hurts you. And ask him what he would do if he were in your situation.
Yes, you love him, but he needs to respect you, as well. And as long as he doesn’t keep up his promises, I doubt he really does.
My partner has had a past of
My partner has had a past of having affairs with other women mainly for sex. He is married but wants to have me as second wife. I love him very much n av agreed to get married to him. However,he seems to be flirting around with other ladies.He always turns and stares at ladies passing even in my precense. We have talked about this and he keeps saying he will change cos he does it “unconsiously”. He sometimes gets too aggressive and abusive whenever i mention his flirting behaviour with certain ladies. He is always on his phone even when we are jst the two of us. Am feeling so confused cos i love him though i feel like his past has not changed. Am afraid i may be taking a risky commitment by getting married to him. Pls advise.
Hello there,
Hello there,
so sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation. We can’t tell you what to do,
But we suggest that you need to really think about what you want and what you need out of a relationship. Just be warned- it’s very difficult for people to change. What is worrying is that you say he gets aggressive and abusive. That should never be the case in a loving relationship.
Think about what you want and if this is something you could live with if you are married. Take your time- it’s better to be sure about what you want than to regret it later.
im far frm my wife but i only
im far frm my wife but i only call her often but she dont also sometimes she lie to me about small issues Like Questions it seems that their is possibility of bigger cheating.
Hi Jos,
Hi Jos,
you need to talk to her. Gently, but you do need to bring up these issues. Your relationship, especially because of the distance, needs to be an open and trusting one. And hiding little things is not the way to go! Good luck!
im far frm my wife but i only
im far frm my wife but i only call her often but she dont also sometimes she lie to me about small issues Like Questions it seems that their is possibility of bigger cheating.
my boyfriend is jealous when
my boyfriend is jealous when he sees me speaking to other men
Have you talked to him about
Have you talked to him about this, Brenda? Being open and talking about the issue will be the best way to deal with it.
hi,i have a bf who happens to
hi,i have a bf who happens to have a “bff”best friend and she is a lady it also happens that they ar n the same uni while am far frm him.everytime they are awlys together and it realy bothers me.
Maryann,
Maryann,
have you talked to him about this at all? Have you let him know what your feelings are about this?
I hv ma BF..we hv bn frends 4
I hv ma BF..we hv bn frends 4 over 4yrs..n I gat feelings 4 her n I feel crazy n jealousy wen I c guy’s pictures in profile pix..I feel weak…I dnt knw wt am gna do
Guttie,
Guttie,
have you talked to him about this?
I see this in me and just
I see this in me and just wanna know what do u do after 14 years together and he goes out with his guy friends and hollas at other females and tells people we haven’t been together long and he really don’t wanna be with me but when i confront him he lies and say I didn’t say that baby I love you and i wanna be with you now what do i do because then i have no trust and im insecure and feel that i have pushed him away what do i do to make our marriage better again??
It sounds a bit like he is
It sounds a bit like he is showing off when he is with his friends. Have you told him how much this hurts you, and that it makes you not trust him?
Have another conversation with him and make that very, very clear!
And please don’t feel like this is your fault and you are not doing enough for your relationship!
My girlfriend Is a very
My girlfriend Is a very friendly..she likes to talk to everyone.. She proposed to me..i accept her.. It’s already 4 years now.. I always get jealous when she talks closely to other guys .liking their pictures on instagram and facebook… I already told her about this.. She loves me so much.. So do I… She has changed alot for me..but I still get the jealousy feeling… I don’t how how to control the feelings.im very scared to tell her about this again..she’ll get hurt if I shout at her… I don’t want to change her for me …help me
Hi Samuel,
Hi Samuel,
Its normal to have a little jealousy, it shows you care about your partner. Jealousy becomes a problem when it brings issues like mistrust and fights in your relationship.
Check out this article to find out what you can do https://lovematters.co.ke/news/jealousy-top-five-facts .
I think most of us girls…
I think most of us girls have a very big problem mostly when it comes to deal with jealousy..I become hot tempered when I can’t see his chats..is that still jealousy??
Hi Tina, it is jealousy if…
Hi Tina, it is jealousy if you feel that by not chatting with you he is chatting with another person. Best thing to do is to talk with your partner , be honest with him about your feelings. Communication that is open and honest is important for any relationship and will go along way toward addressing problems. Check out this article;- https://lovematters.co.ke/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems
Hello. And Bye.
Hello. And Bye.
Hello MichaelClort!
Hello MichaelClort!
I always get jealous…
I always get jealous whenever I called my fiancee and he didn’t pick up,jealous has been a big problem to me, and I wanna stop it by all means, even when he cares and do everything to clear my doubt,I will still be jealous, and one problem with me is that I don’t show it in his presence, he don’t even know I gets jealous over all those things, he trusted me and thinks I trusted him as well, not knowing am still finding it difficult to trust him
Hi Loveth, a little jealousy…
Hi Loveth, a little jealousy is normal in a relationship, too much of it can however hurt your relationship. You seem to have determined that your jealousy is as a result of trust issues you have with your partner. It is important that you address these trust issues you have. Take sometime and think about where the trust issues are coming from to address them. Remember, too much jealousy can hurt your relationship. Have a look at the following article for more tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/relationship-problems/jealousy-and-other-problems
Hey my husband always chat…
Hey my husband always chat with her ex ad other gals bt when I ask him he always tll me that it is just chatting with them ad northing more,could he be cheating me or am just jealous?
Hello Essy, thank you for…
Hello Essy, thank you for reaching out to us. Communication is an important part of any relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Explain how their actions are affecting you and the relationship. Try not to be confrontational because that would put them on the defensive and the resulting conversation would not be productive. Be ready to listen to their fears and feelings and respond to them as well.
I love this
I love this
I just broke up with my…
I just broke up with my partner because of jealousy. He’s still communicating with two of his ex, and one still wants a chance to come back. They call and chat, and he hides the chat from me. I felt overly jealous and bitter. But he broke up and said I’m feeling insecure and do not trust him
Hi there,
This must be…
Hi there,
This must be hard for you. The best thing for you to do is to move on since he is clearly not committed to you. The fact that he is still speaking to his exes shows that he is not ready to let go of them. Here are tips that can help you cope with the breakup: How to cope with a breakup