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Alphonce Omondi

A distant long-distance relationship

I am in a long-distance relationship. But my girlfriend doesn’t want me to visit her or for her to visit me. But she claims to love me. What is the way forward in this relationship?

Modern pen-pals

It sounds like you have a great modern day pen-pal. When I was my child, it used to be handwritten letters that you sent through snail-mail. But now the internet and smartphones have changed all that. However, while the mode of communication might have evolved, the parameters of the pen-pal friendship have remained the same: lots of affection and attention through words but no physical contact.

What do you both want?

It would be great to ask your partner what she wants out of this relationship, but before you do that, I suggest you get very real with what you want. Even from your short email, I can tell you would want to see this woman frequently. I think you would like some physical attention and for you to play a bigger role in her life.

There is nothing unusual about this. In fact, it is rather predictable that when we like people, we want to spend time with them. And when we are sexually attracted to these people, this desire is magnified.

It sounds like your needs are not being met, and the relationship is unfulfilling in some very key ways.

Tell your partner this and ask her what she thinks. Find out what keeps her from spending time with you. Is she unable or unwilling to see you? Does she see this relationship going anywhere or has it arrived at the point she wants it?

Make a decision

There is a reason we date for a while before we settle down and it’s because it takes a while to find someone you like, who likes you and then wants the same things that you do. If this does not work out, take time to heal and evaluate your lessons. Not every relationship leads to marriage obviously, but they all prepare us for that major commitment that many of us say we want.

Have you wanted a long-distance relationship to become a closer one? Ask our discussion board moderators for assistance.

Tell us what you think

Recent Comments (56)

  1. my boyfriend claims he love
    my boyfriend claims he love me yet he cheats . does he really love me?

    1. Olla,

      Olla,
      hmm, that’s tricky. He probably does love you; yet he cheats on you. It’s up to you to decide if you want to tolerate that or not.

  2. Samtym s normal but in dat
    Samtym s normal but in dat essence t seems dat lady s kipin u wid areason may ur supportn her or al round beneficiries advice be straight forwad to this lady en tell her ur ready to leave f shes not interested in u n wach her motives.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Erick!

  3. If she love you,she would
    If she love you,she would make you feel inlove the way you Ned her love and don’t show your own heart without getting hers first.

    I’m in a distance relationship and we are happily inlove without no cheating,yeah love can be taken serious if one give his/her love.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your experience!

  4. what can i do so that my
    what can i do so that my fiancee remains faithful to me

    1. Nickson,

      Nickson,
      you can build a relationship based on trust and respect and openness. That’s the best you can do.

  5. Wat if shes takg long 2cme n
    Wat if shes takg long 2cme n her 4ne is off on several occassion bt she says she luvs u?

    1. Baguma,

      Baguma,
      do you mean come as in orgasm, or come to you?

  6. my boyfriend claims to love
    my boyfriend claims to love yet he don’t want me to visit him or come to visit me…
    pls avice

    1. Liz,

      Liz,
      have you spoken to him about this? What does he say?

  7. Long distance relationship
    Long distance relationship can only be sweet when there is clear communication between two people.

    1. Absolutely true, Lucy!
      Absolutely true, Lucy!

  8. I have been in such a
    I have been in such a relationship bt I have ended up regretting. I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN.

    1. Awww, honey, yes, you will.
      Awww, honey, yes, you will. Just give yourself all the time you need to heal!

  9. am in a long distant r/shp
    am in a long distant r/shp and it really works with m wel cause we trust each other and are open to each other, so it depends on who u ar and wu u ar dealng wd,am praying that we continue with th same spirit ,

    1. Well done, and keep it up!
      Well done, and keep it up!

  10. Am in long distance
    Am in long distance relatinship but i thank God we communicat and visit each other n love each other more

  11. am based on lng dstance rshp
    am based on lng dstance rshp n it works vry wel no doubts trust bold us

  12. what can i do to my
    what can i do to my girlfriend coz at the tym i
    request her to visit mi she always guv mi an excuses for not coming?

    1. Jack,

      Jack,
      talk to her about it. Ask her why. Don’t push her but be open and understanding! Good luck!

  13. MA luv told about money
    MA luv told about money everyday am ready to leave her is it k

    1. Sammy,

      Sammy,
      have you talked to her about this?

  14. I have been in a long
    I have been in a long distance relationship very faithful to him there was constant communication but after I decided to settle with him for some few months I just realized he was cheating on me he asked for forgiveness after a long discussion now he is a changed guy.but nimepata job tens mbali kiasi na yeye will he change again pliz advice juu I want him to be my future husband

    1. Jessica,

      Jessica,
      we don’t know if he will change again. How do you feel about this? Do you think you can keep on trusting him?

  15. Hi,av bn dating my boyfriend
    Hi,av bn dating my boyfriend for quite sometime now n the problem is that whenever we av issues he doesn’t like to talk about them,he just assumes everything is ok,.have tried to leave him buh i just find myself going back to him..please help

    1. Frida,

      Frida,
      what do you want? Do you want him to listen to you and resolve this issue, or do you want to leave this relationship?

  16. i was in a distance
    i was in a distance relationship and i was so proud of it in the first few months bt when the communication goes down i ended my r/ship. Now am in another distance r/ship and am very very very proud of it.

    1. That’s great, keep it that
      That’s great, keep it that way.

  17. Am marred bt we r nt in th
    Am marred bt we r nt in th same city she told mi last week she told mi she misses ha mum i told ha to go 4 a wk then she told mi she might nt kam back doez she rlly love mi?

    1. Daive,

      Daive,
      ask her about this. Maybe she wants to support her mum? Ask her what’s going on and support her as much as you can.

  18. Of late its very hard kupata
    Of late its very hard kupata true love and again to me i just cant dedicate my heart fully to a girl coz there is nothing painful than being hertbroken…..guys when you are in love ask them this…….”Do you love me or money me”

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Denno.

  19. hi I real don’t know what to
    hi I real don’t know what to do I was in a relationship were we lud each ather BT when he got this job to Mombasa he does not call or TeX even if it ex or call he wount answer does he luv me or he is playing with me help me

    1. Sasha,

      Sasha,
      you need to talk to him and find out what’s going on and if he is still interested in keeping this relationship going. Good luck!

  20. Hav been with this girlfriend
    Hav been with this girlfriend for more than one year now….but when it come to sexual aspect.i shy off telling her what i need plz help.

    1. Andy,

      Andy,
      sex is about communication. It needs some courage, but it will make things a lot better.
      Good sex needs good communication, so get to talking.

  21. I have dated him for 7 yrs
    I have dated him for 7 yrs now…..but in the last two yr he has completely changed……he dont want me to touch his phone……he dont pick his calls wen am arnd…..is it possible tat he s cheating on me????

    1. Yvonne,

      Yvonne,
      it does sound a bit fishy to be honest. Have you tried talking to him about this at all?

  22. Whats Good About Sex In A
    Whats Good About Sex In A Relationship Does It Help In Anyway

    1. What does it help with?
      What does it help with?

  23. am in a long distance
    am in a long distance relationship and its working.this guy luvs me ooh.I too luv him

    1. That’s great, keep it up!
      That’s great, keep it up!

  24. m also in a lng dstnc rshp,as
    m also in a lng dstnc rshp,as sh was skulin[college],she had finished bt seems no intension 2 kam n visit ,,yet sh has bn claiming she busy wt skul works,,

    1. Maybe she is just that; busy
      Maybe she is just that; busy with school work. Do you have any reason to doubt her?

  25. Distance may not mean
    Distance may not mean anything in love..its the trust that prevails in it.My opinion is..lovebirds should not deny themselves the opportunity to visit each other because visiting could contribute alot in the growth of ur love..thank you.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

  26. My fiance and i love each
    My fiance and i love each other but he doesn’t believe me that am virgin and i dn’t know what to do so he can trust me,,help

    1. Valentina,

      Valentina,
      why do you think he doesn’t trust you? Have you asked him what makes him think he can’t?
      It’s impossible to see or feel if someone is a virgin or not, so all he can do is trust you.

  27. How can you make this long…
    How can you make this long distance relationship good? I am really suffering I want to quit and get another girl who is close to me. Now I meet my girl once for 3 months.

    1. Hello Sagaa, making a long…

      Hello Sagaa, making a long distance relationship work can be challenging but if both partners are committed they can make it work. It is important to think about how your relationship will change before getting into a long distance relationship including the long periods physically apart. Some essentials for a long distance relationship include, frequent communication, planning and spending time together from time to time and planning for the future of the relationship together. Check out the following article for additional tips;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/happy-relationships/long-distance-relationships-dos-and-donts

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