Sinful, abnormal, perverted?
I take it that by 'feelings of being gay' you mean that you are sexually attracted to men and that you believe these feelings are in some way abnormal. Growing up in Kenya, when homosexuality is mentioned, it’s usually terms of sin, abnormality, and perversion. So I completely understand your judgment of yourself and your confusion. Nobody wants to think of themselves as sinful, abnormal or perverted. And on top of this, you love women.
Your business only
In my lifetime, I have met and known and loved many homosexuals, both male and female. I also know people who have had sex with people of their gender, but they do not consider themselves gay or bisexual. I don’t know why they are attracted to people of their gender, or whether that attraction is a product of nature or nurture. What I do know is: what two consenting adults do with their bodies is none of my business.
I am not going to assign you a sexual orientation because only you can do that – and even then you can change your mind later if you find that what you called yourself before no longer fits.
How about we start by simply accepting you as you are? You are a young man who is keenly aware of his feelings and grappling to explain some of them to himself. I do not think you are perverted, nor do I think you owe anyone an explanation.
Even those of us who are heterosexual and accepted by society have to grapple with what we are willing to do with our bodies, what we like and how we are going to express our sexuality.
That is part of the human experience.
Kind and gentle
Take your time to figure it out. Experiment. But experiment carefully because, well, homosexual behaviour is punishable by law. Binyavanga Wainaina is one of the few openly gay men in Kenya and it took him 43 years and international fame to finally feel safe enough to unequivocally tell the world who he is. There is no rush; just be kind and gentle with yourself. You are wonderfully made and there is nothing wrong with you.