Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

I feel nothing with my girlfriend

When I’m alone, I get aroused, get an erection, and sometimes masturbate. But when I am with bae, I feel nothing. I can arouse her until she wants sex but I don’t get an erection. What is wrong with me?

Well-working equipment

Well, this is a tough one, but mostly because I fear I have to point you in a direction that might shock you. Your equipment works perfectly well when you are on your own which tells me that you do not have a physiological problem. The issues pop up when we add a woman to the mix. You chose your girlfriend because you like her and you find her attractive so I am baffled.

Are you afraid of something?

Might you, perhaps be afraid to defile her with your sexual urges? In our sex education, many of us are taught that ‘good girls don’t’. It’s the bad girls who have premarital sex and the bad girls who want sex; meanwhile, good girls wait for marriage and even then they only have sex to please their husbands, not because they want it.

This thought pattern termed ‘the madonna/whore complex’ has damaged many a marriage bed when men find that they cannot screw their wives, rather they have to ‘make love’ to them in a well-mannered way that does not offend.

Good manners and extreme politeness does not make a sex life great, so these men save their ‘real desire’ for whores and loose women.

Get help

If this sounds like what is going on in your mind, I suggest you seek help from a counsellor who can help you work through this issue. It’s not uncommon and you may find that you resolve it relatively quickly.

If you aren’t turned on by women, at all, then you may be a homosexual. It is time to ask yourself some hard questions and you will find that a counsellor dedicated to listening can also help you come to your own conclusions at your own pace. I wish you all the best in this journey of self-inquiry and remember that there is nothing wrong with you if you do indeed turn out to be gay.

Have you gone through a similar situation or do you need help? Our discussion board moderators can help you out.

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Recent Comments (10)

  1. advising someone to be gay?
    advising someone to be gay?

    1. Hi there,

      Hi there,
      I don’t think Valentine is advising to be gay, she is merely pointing out the possibility.

  2. That should not worry u. I
    That should not worry u. I had the same proble, since I was adviced to date another lady actualy it was succesful. Advice frm u peole.

    1. Hi Julius,

      Hi Julius,
      Thanks for your comment, and thanks for sharing your experience!

  3. There is nothing like a good
    There is nothing like a good or bad girl if she/he wants or not premarital sex, but you may do as if you are best friends may be girl or boy friends and when you are married couple one thing i’ve been saying that you may not keep a side sex from nature some people including woman/man are and hot and sensual in nature and hot bcoz of their system inside them hormones etc you may not catogerise a man or a woman in a bad or a good doing oral sex or full sex porn or clean and one thing i tell you their is nothing like clean or porn it all depends how you responding sex when it comes to you nature has not put bindings on the choice good or bad “clean/porn/wild/ the more you do which you call porn or wild sex the more you will feel refresh and satisfy keeping them anxious to have sex some woman or man do oral sex by stimulating their organs to keep them self satisfy and fit but they may do it being a loving couples like girl friend and boy friend or a married couple the problem arises when a girl friend of a boy or it may be a wife not responding him when he wants sex discouraging him or disappointing him he may not arouse when she is not taking interest if he had any problem he could also not have arousal or or orgasm when he is busy to do by himself or not ejaculate semen

    1. Hi Faheem,

      Hi Faheem,
      you bring up a really good point here: that sex between married partners or couples needs to be sweet and clean. But then, we all know that while that is nice, sometimes sex also needs to be urgent, and a bit rough, and fast.
      However, the best way to deal with these needs is to discuss them with your partner and to make your needs and wishes clear.
      Thanks for your input- we are glad you seem to like our page! Have you found us on Facebook yet?

  4. Please Help Me,iam 34 Yrs Old
    Please Help Me,iam 34 Yrs Old & Have Problems With Libido.1.My Erection Is Always Weak.2.I Have Premature Ejaculation.3.After Ejaculation Thats The End I Wont Have Another(i jst Do 1 Round) Erection.4.Sometimes I’ll See A Woman Naked & Will Not Get An Erection.What Can I Do?Is There A Permanent Solution/medication?I Have Suffered Enough!

    1. Hi Reuben,

      Hi Reuben,
      that’s a lot of questions!
      First, can you tell us some more what you mean by a weak erection?
      Premature ejaculation can be helped with a variety of things. Try using condoms, especially thick ones, which will decrease your sensation and make you come less quickly. You can also go until you are about to come and then stop all movement until the feeling passes. Then start going again until you are ready to ejaculate. You can also practice by masturbating and trying to delay ejaculation for as long as possible. After ejaculation, it’s very normal to not be able to get a new erection for a while, and the older you get, the longer it will take. Totally normal, and a reason to make sex quality, not quantity!
      As for seeing a naked woman and getting an erection- completely normal! Especially if you don’t have a lot of sex, this can be enough to arouse you, and that’s okay, there is nothing wrong with it. Lastly, please stay away from pills and medications that have not be prescribed by a doctor. They can be harmful and dangerous! We hope this helps!

  5. I have a prblem of eraction
    I have a prblem of eraction when am wth a woman bt i easly masturbate

    1. Hi Ti’ara,

      Hi Ti’ara,
      it could be that you are so nervous with a woman that you have trouble with erections. Or are you wearing a condom? When you are not used to it, it can affect your erection. Why not try to masturbate with a condom on to get used to it?

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