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Alphonce Omondi

Fantasising about my ex while having sex with my wife

By Valentine Njoroge January 12, 05:55 pm
When I am having sex with my wife, I think about my former girlfriend in order to reach my orgasm. What should I do to end this?

Wow! How interesting. You know people assume that being a sex writer is very interesting but the truth is that most questions are repeated with relatively high frequency. Yours, though, is a first.

Sex isn't a race

The answer may lie in your wording of the question. You say you fantasise about your ex 'in order to reach the goal' and that might be the issue. Do you think of sex as some rushed process in which you and your partner race to the finish line?

Many of us feel awkward during sex, especially with new partners. Here we are naked, in a weird position where everything is hanging out. Meanwhile, we are sweating and our bodies might make weird noises.

Be comfortable

While sex feels good, that lull between the beginning of intercourse and orgasm can feel endless if you aren’t comfortable with your partner. That discomfort can make you want to get it over and done within the quickest way you know how – such as through fantasy or changing position. Sex makes many of us feel vulnerable and we aren’t okay with that.

'What you need to learn is how to give and receive sexual pleasure while remaining fully present in the moment.'

Give and receive pleasure

Perhaps what you need to learn is how to give and receive sexual pleasure while remaining fully present in the moment. Look at your wife and focus on what you are both doing. What kind of touch does she enjoy? What kind of touch do you enjoy? Are there particular things that your ex did or said that really turned you on? Perhaps a way she kissed you? How about asking your wife to do them? (But do not mention your ex at all while you are making this request, or you might end up dead.)

Most people fantasise during sex at one point or another, and they tend to think about previous sexual encounters so, in that, you are not alone. However, you seem to need this fantasy regularly and you are not okay with that. Looking into your wife’s face or eyes will also help you to stay focused on her.


Is it okay to think about an ex during sex? Do you consider it cheating? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Love Matters Naija and Love Matters Kenya.

Did you learn something new?

its a common thing bt i think its brought abt d poor perfomance of d present partner & also hving multiple partners b4 meks someone kip on mekg shd tok 2 their partners on wt meks them enjoy sex insted of thinkg abt e other ladies are naturally not motivative evn if u tach where she remains dead.
Thu, 09/08/2016 - 05:46 am
My dear yo wife needs to be your friend, a person you are free with so that you both enjoy yourseleves. If you are not free with each other there is no way you are going to be inovative or crazy or fun together. Sex is another form of communication in relationships you cant do it well you are in trouble.
My wife of 30 years told me decades ago to think (dream, imagine, picture) about other women while we make love ... it's just another way to enhance the eros factor of love ... make it more saucy ...
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