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You don't always have to come

By Kerubo Akello March 14, 06:00 am
Why do you have sex? Because it’s fun? Or you like who you are with? Orgasms? For many people, the point of sex is to come. But it doesn’t always have to happen.

People have sex – and have been having sex – for centuries now, and for different reasons. For example, if you are having sex to have a baby, then it feels like the man having an orgasm is the most important part. Though it is possible for men to come without ejaculating, it doesn’t happen too often. And therefore, if you want to make babies, almost everything about having sex revolves around it. From when you come, to where you do it, to even your diet and exercise regimen!

But what if you don’t want to have babies? Can the point of sex be just… to have sex?

Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are great, whether given by yourself, by a toy, or by a partner. But sex in itself can have many functions, and – this is revolutionary, so pay attention – it’s okay not to come when you have sex.

It’s okay not to come when you have sex!

Sexual partners can put undue pressures on themselves to have an orgasm, and for women, to even squirt. But pressure during sexual activity tends to have an inverse effect on the chances of orgasm. In simpler words, when you think about it too much, you probably won’t come.

And then there is the fact that not everyone, mostly women, comes all the time, every time. For men, it is easier to come: arousal, penetration, orgasm and ejaculation more often go hand in hand. But women are less likely to come during sexual experiences. Men come three times more than women do.

So, unless you are the type who says ‘if sex is happening then an orgasm is happening’, then it is entirely possible to have sex for the sake of having sex. And why would you do that? Because of these three reasons:

  • Sex creates a feeling of closeness between couples. It is an intimate act. Sex in itself is great. But sex in an intimate setting is even better.

    Intimacy is the basis of sexual activity in a committed relationship. Most studies agree that the best sex is usually intimate sex – with someone you know and trust. That knowledge and trust is fostered by acts of intimacy, like sex, conversations, holding hands, and sharing experiences together – because sex is not the only way to develop intimacy.
  • Sex gives room for exploration and vulnerability. It’s pretty hard to hide things about your body or your hang-ups when you are completely naked, and that goes for the other person too. There is a physical nakedness, but there is also a ‘psychological nakedness’ that is important as well.
  • Sex can be for fun and good for your health! If you do orgasm, it feels great, and the rush of endorphins adds to your well-being. On top of that – hehe – sex releases oxytocin, which is a natural painkiller. Plus, rolling around in the sack is a great way to spend fun times with your partner and do new stuff together.

The culture we live in stresses that sex almost always has to be about getting to the happy ending. But the journey is just as important. If you are not coming, there could be other factors at play, such as dryness, or nerves. Other times, you just enjoy the feeling of penetration and closeness. That can be enough.

Why do you have sex? Tell us in the comments below, join the discussions on Facebook or ask our moderators about orgasms.


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