Saying no to sex during sex
Stories of women withdrawing consent during sex are often met with backlash and outrage. Often, women are labelled as selfish because of agreeing to sex only to withdraw consent as they wish.
These conversations highlight an obvious mismatch on what consent means for men and women. So what does ‘No‘ mean to different people?
First, let’s first agree with what consent is in a sexual context: ‘Consent is when an individual gives permission or says ‘yes’ to sexual activity with another person/people. Consent is offered freely, and all individuals involved must feel they can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or stop the sexual activity at any point’.
Women say give excuses instead of ‘no’
The most popular response from both men and women was: ‘I am on my period’. Women said this was the fastest way to put a man off. Some men said they felt menstrual blood was unclean (which isn’t true, of course) and had some spiritual implications.
Other men said they went as far as asking for proof as they knew periods could be an excuse to turn down their sexual advances.
Other female responses were ‘I am still a virgin‘, ‘I am fasting’, ‘It’s against my religion’, ‘I’m not feeling well’, and ‘I’m not in the mood’.
Non-verbal ‘nos’
Men, on the other hand, agreed to have heard these nonverbal responses. However, they also said that rejections often comes through non-verbal cues, like the woman turning her back, frowning, refusing, or crying if pushed too far.
When asked why women didn’t just say ‘no’, some women said they couldn’t exactly say no when they weren’t explicitly asked for sex in the first place. One said ‘If a boy invited you over for a movie, or for drinks and you stayed late, you just had to figure out that was code for sex.’
Pleasure isn’t one-sided
Some women weren’t raised knowing they could be willing participants in sex. Sex is something that was done to women to satisfy men. When backed into uncomfortable situations, they bring out their excuse book and either try, give in, or endure having non-consensual sex. Their male counterparts most felt that sex was part of the package and they didn’t necessarily feel they needed to respect the excuses.
Some said they were expecting a ‘no’ for the first time but that it just took persistence to get the woman to change her mind.
A few understood and respected the ‘no’ for what it was without pushing further.
Male entitlement
In my opinion, I feel that men struggle between a sense of entitlement and a fear of rejection. A majority of women are also struggling with duty and obligation.
One thing I have deduced from both sides is a challenge in communication. This poor communication stems from the idea of virtue around sex. Women should know that they are allowed to want sex and not feel like they are sluts. Men shouldn’t be made to feel weak for respecting a woman’s decision.
The concept of sex should be clearly communicated as something you ask for, not something that should just happen or that must just happen.
Both parties need to know that they have the right to ask, agree, refuse, or disagree – even after agreeing.
Lastly, and most importantly, I think men and women should come to terms with the fact that sexual requests have two answers: a Yes and a No. And both answers are each individual’s right. It is obvious that we need to keep this conversation open for women and men. We need to create safe spaces for dialogue so that everybody can have long-lasting, enjoyable, and satisfying sex lives.
Do you have questions about consent? You can ask in the comments section and our moderators will respond.
Tell us what you think
Recent Comments (32)
Largely true. Well written…
Largely true. Well written piece.
Thank you Op, we appreciate…
Thank you Op, we appreciate the feedback.
A very interesting read…
A very interesting read. Honest, precise and very educational. There is an urgent need for Nigeria men to learn and unlearn sex as a whole and i think this piece can add up to the movement around sex education in Nigeria.
Thank you Remi for the…
Thank you Remi for the feedback, we are glad to be part of this conversations.
Quite an interesting article…
Quite an interesting article, Doctor…Im just confused how one gives consent for sex and retrieves it after she has climaxed..how does that work?
Hello Dr Ugo, consent for…
Hello Dr Ugo, consent for sex can be withdrawn at any point, this includes before and even during sex for various reasons. When this happens the other partner has to respect this choice. Sex is better for both partners when there is communication including when the communication is a no. It can be frustrating when consent is withdrawn in the middle of sex but saying no is a personal choice and should be respected. If it however, happens too often in a relationship, it would be important to talk about it and find out what could be going on and agree together how to address the issues.
You captured it well,…
You captured it well, Nigerian men need to change their idea of entitlement when it comes to sex. It’s is not one sided and should be wanted by the woman too, if it’s not then it doesn’t make sense and has selfish intents
Well said Dolapo, we…
Well said Dolapo, we appreciate your contribution.
Couldnt agree more !
No…
Couldnt agree more !
No means No
Rightly said about ‘Male Entitlement’
How are you less of a man if you Respect a womans choice ? If anything you become more of a man !
There is always a debate about sex in marraige….should it be called rape if wife is unwilling for it and yet she is forced to ? Does marraige gives your partner all sexual rights over you and the ‘no means no’ pheonomenon doesnt apply ?
Hey Aditi, we appreciate…
Hey Aditi, we appreciate your contribution. Rape in any relationship is unacceptable including marriage. If a wife says no to sex, this should be respected. A wife can say not to the husband at anytime if she doesn’t wish to have sex at any given time. Have a look at this article;- https://lovemattersafrica.com/love-relationships/sexual-harassment/marital-rape-blurred-lines
There is a perception of…
There is a perception of what consent is. We need to disabuse the mind of men and reorient their consciousness to understand that No is No and not a pseudo “yes”.
If I may ask in the middle of sexual pleasure could you say a pre-consent and a withdrawal in the height of sexual intercourse can be termed rape?
Asking for someone. *smiles*
Hey Ese, this amounts to…
Hey Ese, this amounts to rape since consent has been withdrawn. Each partner has a right to withdraw consent at an point including during sex and if consent has been withdrawn then the other partner will be imposing. We appreciate your contribution.
Consent is something that…
Consent is something that really needs more attention in this country and I’m glad people are taking out the time to explain how important it is.
Hey Awkward Girl, we…
Hey Awkward Girl, we appreciate you contribution in this subject. We are glad.
My dearest, your mind is…
My dearest, your mind is sexy! You write beautifully well. Don’t stop writing.?
Thank you Kittie, we…
Thank you Kittie, we appreciate the feedback.
Very well written Doctor…
Very well written Doctor Toyin. I think this issue demanded some light to be shed on.
When you’re engaging in sexual activity, consent is about communication. And it should happen every time. Giving consent for one activity, one time, does not mean giving consent for increased or recurring sexual contact. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future.
Thank you Abhishikta, for…
Thank you Abhishikta, for your contribution in this subject.
Very interesting read. I…
Very interesting read. I totally agree with you, and also think education from within the home is necessary to curtail this evil. Our boys need to be taught that both sexes have rights, within and outside the home. And irrespective of gender, everyone has a right to their body.
Parents need to start giving similar chores to both sons and daughters, so nobody feels they have more right based on gender. This can reduce the feeling of superiority and entitlement driving such men. In all, I enjoyed this piece. Thanks T
Thank you Jimoh, we…
Thank you Jimoh, we appreciate your contribution.
I appreciate your idea that…
I appreciate your idea that societies need new cultural and social rules so as to protect members from being spoiled.
Hey Yaser, thank you for the…
Hey Yaser, thank you for the feedback.
Very good article, I would…
Very good article, I would suggest in a further article a discussion on the impact of a proper sexual (including this topic) and reproductive health, the barriers that Nigerian education/Health system in general face on a daily basis and the possible solutions to create awareness that the recent/long lasting popular behavior regarding sex its just the result of a lack of proper sexual education and health profesionals/institutions intervention in the matter. In Honduras, Central America, the same phenomenon(if it can be called that way) happens and we (health professionals) have struggled to change this reality, but public health and education politics don’t address the issue as an urgent or relevant matter.
Kind regards.
Hello Jhiamluka , we…
Hello Jhiamluka , we appreciate you contribution and the suggestions on further topics we can explore and write about.
Tks T, you said it with…
Tks T, you said it with easy to understand words. This also happens in other countries as well, i believe that as you said men and women´s mind needs to change.
Thank you Gloria, we agree.
Thank you Gloria, we agree.
Consent is important and…
Consent is important and should be respected no matter what sort of relationship it is. I’ve read comments about male entitelment and stuffs around it and probably because it seems to be predominantly spoken of. However, the stories apply to females as well.
I love this article and particulary the “wise” way of withdrawing consent.
Good read!
Hello Hybern8, we appreciate…
Hello Hybern8, we appreciate your contribution.
Nice article, Sex should…
Nice article, Sex should always be based on mutual understanding between two parties,not one party forcing his/herself on the other. I really still can’t phantom the pleasure derived from rape(Dead wrong).Everyone deserves respect, especially the woman.
Hey Nta, thank you for your…
Hey Nta, thank you for your contribution.
Excellent article. Thought…
Excellent article. Thought provoking and bold article touching on a subject often shyed away from.
Hey H Man, thank you for the…
Hey H Man, thank you for the feedback.