Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

I hit my wife

I had a fight with my wife and she said that she would leave with our son. I know I made a mistake by laying my hands on her.

I love my wife and my son and I can’t live without them. Right now I am at work and I know she has left. I am so stressed up. Please help.

How dare you!

Well hello, Mr Wife Beater. Your wife was right to leave you and your violent ways. How dare you put your hands on her? You obviously got enraged and lost control. You scared her and she ran, probably for her life and that of her son. So, now what?

Work on your anger

From your question, I feel you are more than just a violent person. However, this rage and violence might colour many aspects of your life so that your family does not get to interact with what is amazing about you. I invite you to look at this break in your relationship as an opportunity to work on your anger. There is a very useful skill that none of us is taught – conflict resolution. We disagree with other people and especially our partners all the time. Conflict and disagreements are part of married life.

What will you change?

During this separation, instead of telling yourself and your wife that you will behave better next time you get angry, how about you actually learn how to do better?

If someone burnt your nyama the first time they tried to cook it and then begged for a second chance to cook for you, you would ask if they had learnt how to cook before you trusted them with a kilo of meat, right?

Well, that is what I am asking you to do – learn how to manage your anger because you will definitely get angry again and your wife and son should not be living in fear of you.

Guilt and shame

It must suck to know that you hurt the people you love most. I am sure you are embarrassed and you feel guilty and ashamed. Writing to me and taking responsibility for your actions is a great first step. Please follow it up with counselling? Follow it up with proper anger management so that you can trust yourself around these people that you say you cannot live without.

Have you ever been violently angry with your partner? If you need help, let us know on the discussion board

did you find this useful?

Tell us what you think

Recent Comments (9)

  1. i understand this man,women
    i understand this man,women provokes sometimes to a extent of domestic violence, and as a man i advice him not listen to her wife when the matter is too hot solve. let him /her cool down out of temper then tolk it out together.

  2. My ex fiancee was very
    My ex fiancee was very controlling, always threatening me or my daughter, he would argue with my 3 year old daughter. I couldn’t take it anymore he was obsessive, controlling, way over jealous, always making ridiculous accusations of me cheating when I did not cheat now we’re separated with a child on the way, he’s screwed me over big time. I left him

  3. I have been reading articles…
    I have been reading articles on this subject matter and I have discovered that 98% of the articles are skewed heavily against me, yes against me! And that’s because I made a TERRIBLE mistake. I got hold of my wife’s phone only to realize that she was deeply engaged romantically with someone else and I was oblivious she was contemplating leaving me. At first, I was so angry and overtaken by so much rage. I did hit her and she never fought back in self-defense which made the entire situation look like I was right but I was DAMN WRONG! So wrong to make that bad assumption. My wife looked me in eye and told me she was leaving. She packed her bag and informed me first thing in the morning she would leave with our only kid who’s just a year old. I looked at the good woman, YES GOOD WOMAN and I wept all night. It suddenly, in the first place dawned on me that I was 99 & 1/2% the cause of the problem. My behavior towards my wife made her find an alternative to cure her uninteresting marriage. I never adequately appreciated her efforts. I never paid very close attention to her. Sometimes I talked with so much disrespect. She was 100% right to walk away, 100% right to desert me. I cried all morning from about midnight. After, I realized myself, I begged for forgiveness. I left for work but I couldn’t concentrate. I kept on realizing that a GOOD WOMAN was about to leave me out of my own fault and I wept. She was so good yet she had her little fault but who doesn’t. I cried all day in the office and made a big resolution that I would be the last version of the BEST MAN she would come across. After that day, I swore (please permit my language) with my blood never to repeat that TERRIBLE act. I realized I had messed up. It was like being sentenced to death for committing murder; a murder which occurred from a pure reckless behavior. A behavior that could have been put under control. In the end, no man is deserving of the love and care of a woman whom he beats up or abuses. For one moment, pause and turn the situation around. Family as an institution is a very fundamental element that cannot be toyed with. I advise and call on all men to love, appreciate and be patient (where need be) with their wives and vice versa.

    1. Helo Ekene, thank you so…

      Helo Ekene, thank you so much for sharing your story we appreciate it. We are glad to hear that you realised the error of your ways and that you are looking to build a stronger relationship with your partner.

      1. I really need help I love…
        I really need help I love her and I don’t want to lose her

        1. Hi Jack, 

          Read this article…

          Hi Jack, 

          Read this article to get tips on how to become a better version of yourself: Becoming a better man

  4. I need help. I love my wife…
    I need help. I love my wife. We get into arguments and usually I am a patient man but she pushes my buttons and the next thing I know I’m done living in despicable of pushing her around like I can control the situation I abusing her

    1. Hi Jack, 

      First, identify…

      Hi Jack, 

      First, identify the reason you fight a lot. Conflicts and arguments are normal parts in any relationship but if abuse is involved, this becomes unhealthy. If you have been fighting about the same thing over and over again, you can sit and come to a compromise or find a solution so you never have to get into such fights. 

      Since conflicts are normal, you and your wife need to sit down and come up with a better way of dealing with your differences instead of shouting and hitting each other. The best time to do this is when you are in good terms. It could be that both of you are abusive towards each other; such that she is abusing you emotionally and you are abusing her physically. Both forms of abuse are serious and they carry serious consequences. If both of you cannot agree on a conflict resolution solution, you can seek counselling services since your reaction may be influenced not just by the fact that she pushes you but by what you saw or evidenced growing up. 

LoveMatters Africa

Blush-free facts and stories about love, sex, and relationships