I love my wife and my son and I can’t live without them. Right now I am at work and I know she has left. I am so stressed up. Please help.
How dare you!
Well hello, Mr Wife Beater. Your wife was right to leave you and your violent ways. How dare you put your hands on her? You obviously got enraged and lost control. You scared her and she ran, probably for her life and that of her son. So, now what?
Work on your anger
From your question, I feel you are more than just a violent person. However, this rage and violence might colour many aspects of your life so that your family does not get to interact with what is amazing about you. I invite you to look at this break in your relationship as an opportunity to work on your anger. There is a very useful skill that none of us is taught – conflict resolution. We disagree with other people and especially our partners all the time. Conflict and disagreements are part of married life.
What will you change?
During this separation, instead of telling yourself and your wife that you will behave better next time you get angry, how about you actually learn how to do better?
If someone burnt your nyama the first time they tried to cook it and then begged for a second chance to cook for you, you would ask if they had learnt how to cook before you trusted them with a kilo of meat, right?
Well, that is what I am asking you to do – learn how to manage your anger because you will definitely get angry again and your wife and son should not be living in fear of you.
Guilt and shame
It must suck to know that you hurt the people you love most. I am sure you are embarrassed and you feel guilty and ashamed. Writing to me and taking responsibility for your actions is a great first step. Please follow it up with counselling? Follow it up with proper anger management so that you can trust yourself around these people that you say you cannot live without.
Have you ever been violently angry with your partner? If you need help, let us know on the discussion board.