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Alphonce Omondi

I hit my wife

By Valentine Njoroge April 18, 06:00 am
I had a fight with my wife and she said that she would leave with our son. I know I made a mistake by laying my hands on her.

I love my wife and my son and I can’t live without them. Right now I am at work and I know she has left. I am so stressed up. Please help.

How dare you!

Well hello, Mr Wife Beater. Your wife was right to leave you and your violent ways. How dare you put your hands on her? You obviously got enraged and lost control. You scared her and she ran, probably for her life and that of her son. So, now what?

Work on your anger

From your question, I feel you are more than just a violent person. However, this rage and violence might colour many aspects of your life so that your family does not get to interact with what is amazing about you. I invite you to look at this break in your relationship as an opportunity to work on your anger. There is a very useful skill that none of us is taught – conflict resolution. We disagree with other people and especially our partners all the time. Conflict and disagreements are part of married life.

What will you change?

During this separation, instead of telling yourself and your wife that you will behave better next time you get angry, how about you actually learn how to do better?

If someone burnt your nyama the first time they tried to cook it and then begged for a second chance to cook for you, you would ask if they had learnt how to cook before you trusted them with a kilo of meat, right?

Well, that is what I am asking you to do – learn how to manage your anger because you will definitely get angry again and your wife and son should not be living in fear of you.

Guilt and shame

It must suck to know that you hurt the people you love most. I am sure you are embarrassed and you feel guilty and ashamed. Writing to me and taking responsibility for your actions is a great first step. Please follow it up with counselling? Follow it up with proper anger management so that you can trust yourself around these people that you say you cannot live without.
 

Have you ever been violently angry with your partner? If you need help, let us know on the discussion board

Did you learn something new?

Comments
chetaslomiliclahawauevebrujudriwrapibripijalibekubreshapricl
Mon, 04/18/2016 - 05:05 pm
i understand this man,women provokes sometimes to a extent of domestic violence, and as a man i advice him not listen to her wife when the matter is too hot solve. let him /her cool down out of temper then tolk it out together.
Melissa
Mon, 04/18/2016 - 11:52 pm
My ex fiancee was very controlling, always threatening me or my daughter, he would argue with my 3 year old daughter. I couldn't take it anymore he was obsessive, controlling, way over jealous, always making ridiculous accusations of me cheating when I did not cheat now we're separated with a child on the way, he's screwed me over big time. I left him
I have been reading articles on this subject matter and I have discovered that 98% of the articles are skewed heavily against me, yes against me! And that's because I made a TERRIBLE mistake. I got hold of my wife's phone only to realize that she was deeply engaged romantically with someone else and I was oblivious she was contemplating leaving me. At first, I was so angry and overtaken by so much rage. I did hit her and she never fought back in self-defense which made the entire situation look like I was right but I was DAMN WRONG! So wrong to make that bad assumption. My wife looked me in eye and told me she was leaving. She packed her bag and informed me first thing in the morning she would leave with our only kid who's just a year old. I looked at the good woman, YES GOOD WOMAN and I wept all night. It suddenly, in the first place dawned on me that I was 99 & 1/2% the cause of the problem. My behavior towards my wife made her find an alternative to cure her uninteresting marriage. I never adequately appreciated her efforts. I never paid very close attention to her. Sometimes I talked with so much disrespect. She was 100% right to walk away, 100% right to desert me. I cried all morning from about midnight. After, I realized myself, I begged for forgiveness. I left for work but I couldn't concentrate. I kept on realizing that a GOOD WOMAN was about to leave me out of my own fault and I wept. She was so good yet she had her little fault but who doesn't. I cried all day in the office and made a big resolution that I would be the last version of the BEST MAN she would come across. After that day, I swore (please permit my language) with my blood never to repeat that TERRIBLE act. I realized I had messed up. It was like being sentenced to death for committing murder; a murder which occurred from a pure reckless behavior. A behavior that could have been put under control. In the end, no man is deserving of the love and care of a woman whom he beats up or abuses. For one moment, pause and turn the situation around. Family as an institution is a very fundamental element that cannot be toyed with. I advise and call on all men to love, appreciate and be patient (where need be) with their wives and vice versa.
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