The dangers of on-again off-again relationships
Physical violence and verbal abuse are more common in on-again off-again relationships, a recent US study found…
Think about your current sweetheart or your last relationship. If the going ever got tough, what did you do? Did you talk about the problems with your partner or did you call it quits only to decide that you couldn’t stand to be apart?
Breaking up, getting back together, and doing it all over again might not be uncommon among young adults – almost 45 per cent have been in an on-again-off-again relationship, according to the results of the study.
Researchers asked 792 young adults aged 17 to 24 about their most recent or current relationship, including whether they’d experienced physical violence or verbal abuse.
Abuse
Half reported verbal abuse in the relationship – for example being criticised by their partner about their beliefs or appearance. For 40 per cent, physical violence, including being pushed or shoved, hit, or slapped had taken place during the relationship.
Relationship status – whether a couple was on-again-off-again, permanently broken up, or happily together – really affected patterns of abuse, the researchers found.
Being in an on-again off-again relationship had serious consequences – physical abuse was twice as likely and verbal abuse also more common compared to couples in both a stable relationship and to those that had ended their relationship for good.
The researchers also looked at what other characteristics besides relationships status were linked to abuse. Not trusting their partner was a major one, predicting both physical violence and verbal abuse in a relationship.
Dealing with conflict
Violent behaviour and verbal abuse might go hand in hand with on-again-off-again patterns if a young couple doesn’t have good communication and relationship skills. When conflict comes up, they may not know how to deal with it and small issues can blow up into something far worse, like abuse. This could also lead to a cycle of separating and getting back together.
And though young adulthood is a time of learning what works and what doesn’t with a partner, and it’s no surprise that on-again-off-again relationships are common, the abuse that seems to go along with them should be a warning sign, believe the study’s authors. Patterns of abuse and breaking up and making up, they say, might lead to problems with romantic relationships in the future.
Have you ever been in an on-again-off-again relationship? Tell us about your experiences. Leave a comment here or on Facebook.
Tell us what you think
Recent Comments (78)
it hurts n u find itself
it hurts n u find itself going back hopn things will change only to be disappointed.
Hi Cevytor,
Hi Cevytor,
it sounds like you have experienced this yourself…
Why do our girls prefer liars
Why do our girls prefer liars than the truth.?
Aww, Jared, it sounds like
Aww, Jared, it sounds like you have been hurt in the past. Sorry! But keep in mind that not all girls are this way, and you have to keep on looking for a nice girl!
yep going tru it at the
yep going tru it at the moment, and am even thinking of leaving everything
Hi Lerato,
Hi Lerato,
being stuck in this is definitely not good! So if you don’t see a way out or a way to improve things, you might be better off thinking about starting afresh!
Its a challenge yeah bt i
Its a challenge yeah bt i thnk once uv vomtd u nd not gt it bak 2 ua mouth..so tho difficult u jxt let it go n lyf wil move
Thanks Maureen, for your
Thanks Maureen, for your colorful metaphor and your comment!
I have tried t quit and
I have tried t quit and promise myself not t go back again,but it has never worked.
That sounds like a classic on
That sounds like a classic on-again, off-again relationship. Make sure that you set clear rules, if you are really going for it, and are sure that you want to. Good luck!
Yeah,all said id true.I’m
Yeah,all said id true.I’m also going thru the exact on-again & off_again relationship.But today i had to end everything for our sake,We can’t carry on hurting each_other likw this.We’ll be well apart..
Hi Koketso,
Hi Koketso,
well done! As much as it is hurting right now, the on-and-off hurts even more in the long run. So stick to it, you will be better off!
All the best!
my fiance is a short tempered
my fiance is a short tempered man u quarel today n tommorow he wants u back and he has a bad temper he always throw me out of his house after teo days he wants me back what do i do?
Hi Ruth,
Hi Ruth,
we can’t tell you what to do, you have to decide that for yourself. But it doesn’t sound like you are in a very healthy relationship. Do you think he can change? He will need your help to do so, but do you think it can work? Is he open to this? Does he see that what he is doing is wrong? If you can answer yes to most of these questions, then I would get working on them as soon as possible. If no, I think you should reconsider if you really want to be in a relationship like this.
All the best!
am undergoing the same right
am undergoing the same right now and i sincerely don’t know what to do.we break up at night wen going to bed and tell each other it’s over. tomorrow morning am woken up by a goodmorning sweetheart msg.
Hi Monica,
Hi Monica,
you need to talk about it.
You shouldn’t use empty threats to hurt each other when you are fighting. Talk about what’s going on and what you could do to stop the fighting. And make a pact to stop the threats! If you don’t mean it, there is no point in saying it.
Good luck!
i also went through the same
i also went through the same but thank god all went well and we had to part for good
Hi Shaydee,
Hi Shaydee,
good to hear you got through it!
I am 21 year old and first
I am 21 year old and first year on my university level i broke up my g/friend few months ago so idecided for another nice girl ifound one she is hot and she likes all men in my course but she tells me she loves me most an felt to love her but idnt like behaviour.Unfortenatly there is another girl of my native approaches me most and tells me she likes,me.and i never liked her she is cute but not my type..so plz i am confused and i need you Advice urgently..thanks
Hi Raz,
Hi Raz,
take some time to yourself, away from both of them, and think about what you want and need out of a relationship.
It could be that neither of them is what you need at this moment, and that’s okay. You don’t have to be in a relationship, just because they both want you.
Mmmhh
Mmmhh
Mmmmh good or bad, Grace?
Mmmmh good or bad, Grace?
That decision of leavin some1
That decision of leavin some1 4 gud isn’t that easy fr true love they wll always get back oping 4 te better …..tis is faith bt sometimes it fails
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Macech.
thank GOD ave never been in
thank GOD ave never been in such a relationship n for. those who are in it better quit the sooner the better
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Eve.
I had my ex now fr almost a
I had my ex now fr almost a year.thngs were ok until the day i went for depo injection.i had mood swings,anger n feeling irritated.i dint undstnd it first n went ahead n cald of my rlshp i felt irritated angry etc after gettng to knw it was depo i cald him xplaind n got back.again he cald it quits again took posts frm women n depo to xplain further wat am goimg thro.we went back again.yesterday he cald it quits again coz of depo n other xcuses feeling tht am pretending in the name of depo.my heart is broken trust lost n nw am focusing ahead
So sorry to hear that, Mona!
So sorry to hear that, Mona! It sounds like you may be better off without him…
am in a relationship where my
am in a relationship where my girlfrd when i ask her somethng that she dont wanna answer she just tells mi its over. i feel hurted alwaiz cz i always fight for her to stay. what can i do to change her
Hi Moha,
Hi Moha,
change is difficult, but you can try.
Keep talking to her, nicely and gently, and try to make her realize how much her behavior hurts you!
waw! I am avictim of this coz
waw! I am avictim of this coz i was out in Ethiopia for a period of 1week for ajob when i came back i found ma wife had collect evry ting and gone. The reson was, he thot dat i have left him and gone back in our country. I tryd 2 coll but she did not respont 4 sure.
So sorry things went wrong
So sorry things went wrong for you!
am engaged n hv bn engaged
am engaged n hv bn engaged feew months ago i lv my fiance so much n he loves ne back bt i get kols frm 2 dfrnt ladies he has bn dating..thy abuse me day n nyt i feel hurt i feel pain.wen i ask my fiance he says he parted them bt thy cant stop abusing me….i even used to rcv calls frm my guys neighbojrs telln me my guy is spendng nyt with one of thoz ladies n wen i ask him he says he is sor we shd focus on our future ths thng pains me my lyf has bn ful of sorrow n tears wat shal i do?
Hi Fiona,
Hi Fiona,
what do you feel? Do you think you can trust him? Take some time to think about it, and don;t just yet rush into marriage.
You want to make sure you have a faithful husband before you get married!
That’s true, be careful with
That’s true, be careful with him
Thanks for your input Enny.
Thanks for your input Enny.
Once beaten twce shy…xo
Once beaten twce shy…xo hurtn ,up 2 now av nothing else bt 2 stop it all…y do chic lk chtn n doubln
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your experience, Nitzo!
Am also going trough This. I
Am also going trough This. I really love my girlfriend. She used 2 behave so nice. But later she become so proud. Whenever i inquire of something, she may remain silent claiming that i really don’t know her. Again she gives me so many rules in the name of being principled. So am always tempted to terminate the relationship. We broke n right now am pleading with her to rekindle our relationship.
Good luck, Godrick, we hope
Good luck, Godrick, we hope it works out for you!
since I left the relationship
since I left the relationship its has been had 4 me to move on.what I do?
Hi Faith,
Hi Faith,
have a look at this article!
http://lovematters.co.ke/news/getting-over-your-ex-dos-and-donts
going thro the same for a
going thro the same for a year ryt now..he only calls whn he miss me…aftr that he calls it off..aftr smtme he pleads,,he has 2 gals in diffrnt unis,,whn we r in holidays he nvr text until oneweek to scul..he alws want fuck with me,,fr the last 3months hv lost my trust nor do i feel him..i fear being single..so 3weeks ago he calld wantd me…i went nd fuck with him nd quited nd told him the truth..he ws my frstluv… nd the momries at a tms cme back bt i feel i cnt.luv anyman the way i usd to…or i cnt luv at..all evn if i hv a crush..it quickly disapear,,ata i cnt ingia anypsns box…i wish to luv again wht shld i do…its true i gt used…..am so ashamed..
Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Eddy!
iv bn in that situation 4
iv bn in that situation 4 almost 7 yrs.last dec he got violent cz of a 4n pasword.we talked abt it n got bck.after valentines twas drama cz a male frnd called me n he started wt hs acusations.we parted bt jana he was all calls. Too bad we hv a son.
Good for you that you were
Good for you that you were able to get out of that abusive relationship. Thanks for sharing that with us.
I don’t no wat to do i have
I don’t no wat to do i have been in a relationship 4 almost 4yrs nw but whenever i go sm were we have to breakup & he blams 4 it whenever he wants me back he just wants me tobe like a prisonar with out going anywere & dis tym i found a job & we broke up again saying dat he gives me everythg but 4 me i just do as i wish wat shall i do
Hi Hani,
Hi Hani,
its a good thing that you were able to leave him. The important and hardest part will be moving on. Check out this article to get some insight https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/after-the-break-up .
Hi I ve an issue, I’m in a
Hi I ve an issue, I’m in a relationship, we ve bn off n now together, I don’t knw his house, he hides tins,even wen we re call, he ends it suddenly n won’t pick my call anymore, I strongly suspect he is living with a woman n doesn’t want me to knw, I don’t knw wat to do I’m so in love with him. I need ur advice cos I’m confused. Thanks
Hi Vera,
Hi Vera,
Being cheated on can be a very painful experience. Here is an article that can help you find out if he’s cheating https://lovematters.co.ke/news/signs-cheating-boyfriend .
https://lovematters.co.ke/news/cheating-top-five-facts .
I have dating this guy for
I have dating this guy for months and am in love…am nt praising him bt he is the kind every girl would want bt we have a problem of where i come from his parents really hate people from my place…what should i do
Hi Mims,
Hi Mims,
Getting approval from your partners parents is always a big pls, but just because they don’t like a certain people does not mean they will dislike you. Just be yourself and always know the most important approval is that of your partner and not everyone else.
Am in this kind of
Am in this kind of relationship now, shedding tears almost everyday. I love my guy, he loves me too But the issue is, we are two, we comes to his house, and he compares me with the other girl, things has been terrible, to the extend that his mum hated me…saying her son can never marry me but she do not know what have been facing…we tried to leave each other but we keep coming back
Sorry that that is happening
Sorry that that is happening to you Enny.
It sounds like there is unresolved issues in your relationship. Read this article to get more insight https://lovematters.co.ke/resource/relationship-problems .
I have a problem with my
I have a problem with my relationship. There is a lady whom I love so much and I believe she loves me back. We have dated for four years. The problem is her parents. She is from Kikuyu origin and am from Luo side. Her parents does not want anybody who is not a kikuyu. This has given the lady undue pressure and we have even broken-up. What should I do since we still love each other
Sorry about the break up
Sorry about the break up Calvince.
Its always difficult dealing with outside pressure in a relationship.
Therefore its always important to remember that the two people in a relationship is what matters the most and what they want goes above what others want for them.
If both of you feel that the relationship is right for you and both want to be together, you should have a conversation about how you can deal with the challenges so that you are able to move on with your life.
just bcus i couldn’t go to
just bcus i couldn’t go to his house the day i promised,he stopped calling me and he didn’t pick my call
Sorry to hear that Omolala.
Sorry to hear that Omolala. Thanks for sharing that with us.
I have a girl whom i love so
I have a girl whom i love so much can you immagine that she told me that i stop calling her many calls as not calling her SWEET HEART but i use her names yet i have been using it for a year .now whether i call her answers rude way and some of her cloths and shoes are at.my place cos uses to sleep over my home am so confused about her
Hey,
Hey,
It would be important for both of you to talk and define your relationship. It will help you understand what you mean to each other and what you expect of each other.
I am in relationship for an
I am in relationship for an year ..my guy doesn’t help at all infact I am the one who helps him a lot financially BT whenever I need help from him he always say he doesn’t have… What shud I do
Hi Lucy,
Hi Lucy,
It sounds like you should talk about your expectations of each other. It would be important to talk it over if it disturbs you so that you are able to resolve the issue. All the best to both of you.
Hello have been in a
Hello have been in a relationship from April 2014. My girlfriend got pregnant and I took full responsibility to care for her and my child.. After 9 months she gave birth to a baby boy,of which some complications happened n the child died. I was the only person supporting her. Her parents neglected her so the whole Budden was mine…. I vowed to love her till death do us apart. She introduced me to her parents and I too introduced her to my parents. January 7th my Instincts told me something bad is happening.. So I traveled to the place she was working and found her having sex with her colleague teacher just to be organized for a Tsc job…
Please advise
Hi David,
Hi David,
Sorry that you lost your child and went through that.
Being cheating on is very painful as well and it leaves on hurt and disappointed.
Finding out that your partner’s been cheating on you can be a traumatic experience. It can seriously damange the trust between the two of you and could even lead to a break-up, separation or divorce. You might spend days, weeks or months wondering what you did wrong and why this happened.
But don’t blame yourself – take some time to calm down and think about your relationship.
Whether you want to stay with your partner depends on a number of things. Is your partner willing to go on? If they are, what will it take for them to regain your trust? Will your trust in them ever be restored? How can you start rebuilding your relationship? The answers may not be simple, but give these questions some thought and it might help you decide on the right path to take.
Read more here https://lovematters.co.ke/news/cheating-top-five-facts .
I’ve been in this
I’ve been in this relationship for now 4yrs and we even have a kid together,he falls in love with other women n I can always get them at home together,he never cares about me yet I always do care for him n even give him money as wishing to plan for the kid BT he gives the money to his women,my mind z sick because I love my son to grow up with the father but its not working out,am tired of crying every time I think of this,pliz help. Alia not real name
Finding out that your partner
Finding out that your partner’s been cheating on you can be a traumatic experience. It can seriously damange the trust between the two of you and could even lead to a break-up, separation or divorce. You might spend days, weeks or months wondering what you did wrong and why this happened.
But don’t blame yourself – take some time to calm down and think about your relationship.
Whether you want to stay with your partner depends on a number of things. Is your partner willing to go on? If they are, what will it take for them to regain your trust? Will your trust in them ever be restored? How can you start rebuilding your relationship? The answers may not be simple, but give these questions some thought and it might help you decide on the right path to take.
Read more here https://lovematters.co.ke/news/cheating-top-five-facts .
Am seriously in love with dis
Am seriously in love with dis guy bt we only have one problem.he has little tym for me bt gives me everything.Now it makes me doubt like his cheating on me
Hi Naima,
Hi Naima,
Have you talked to your partner about this? Its always helpful to talk about the issues in a relationship.
Pls there is dis guy i luv so
Pls there is dis guy i luv so much, though we have dated bfor bt at the process we miss each other. Bt last year(2016 january we meet again after 6month i told him my feelings. Pls is there anything bad in that? though he also text me & told me he love’s me 2.bt since den dis guy has nt been calling me talkless of texing me pls what should i do? cos am madly in luv wit hiw pls any advice.
Hi Enny,
Hi Enny,
Have you tried talking to him to find out why he has not been communicating?
Because most of the time lack of communication indicates lack of interest.
The guy am dating changes his
The guy am dating changes his line and didn’t want me to call him.he only talk to me on Facebook and I don’t believe he still loves me, but he told me he loves me.
Thanks for sharing that with
Thanks for sharing that with us Celests.
I have been dating my bf
I have been dating my bf since July 2015 and I found out DAT he lied to me about an ex,he told me he has cut all ties with her but she still calls him day and night I had to tell him to choose between me and d girl he had to tell d girl to stop calling him DAT its causing issues of which she did,den he went for service and I would call to find out what he was doing and sometimes ask y he didn’t pick his call he would say am suspecting him a lot but y I suspect him much was bcos he had lied before but he tried all his best to make me believe he was cheating den DEC 2016 we had serious issues I called and shouted on him on phone when he told me he was driving and I said he should either call me back now or do not call me again,he got so offended and said we should end d relationship since I dont trust him after two weeks he called and said he wanted to see me and we saw,we talked about things DAT made us break up and all DAT but he hasnt talked about we dating again all he just said is we are still together even if we re not having anything intimate DAT he wants me to get a job finish up my school like he has always been saying and I ignored him DAT he wants me to be creative so I should find myself but we are still together plsss what do I do
HI Shola,
HI Shola,
It looks like both of you need to define your relationship to stop the confusion.
Heloo i have been dating this
Heloo i have been dating this guy for fours years now..We have been in an on-again offs again relationship …Last year sometimes in august i tried another relationship but he came back and since i loved him we made up but after sometime He saw my conversation with the guy i tried to date and he cant trust me any longer,i love him and want a life with him wat should i do to win his trust back
Hi Nelie,
Hi Nelie,
Yo should probably talk to him about that and find out from him how you can work out through that issue and rebuild the trust. He would be in a good position to help you know how you can rebuild the trust.
My first boyfriend has a way…
My first boyfriend has a way of always popping up all the time sometimes he even calls at 1pm in the night I usually abuse him thoroughly and regret later.
Hi Merceline, maybe you need…
Hi Merceline, maybe you need to be clear about the status of your relationship. Not picking a call especially one in the middle of the night may discourage him from calling.