Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

Facing anger

I don’t know how to argue or talk back to my girlfriend. So I walk away and out of the relationship – arguing disgusts me that much. Is something wrong with me?

Anger is difficult to face

I will not say that there is something wrong with you. But I will say that you are whole and complete. Angry people are hard to face. And when that person is a woman you like, hold in high regard, and want to impress, well, that makes it that much harder. Her anger makes you feel as if you have failed her and let her down. If she is recounting what you have done wrong at high volume it can feel like a full-on physical attack. So, of course, you want to get away.

Overwhelming feelings

Most people are averse to confrontation. It can make us feel vulnerable, exposed, fearful, and angry – all that ‘feeling’ can be overwhelming. Unfortunately, conflict is a part of life and especially a part of intimate relationships.

Show me a ‘conflict-free’ relationship and I will show you a couple of liars. Everyone fights.

It’s how we fight that makes relationships grow or fall apart.

Walk away but not out

I’m sure that you miss at least one of the girlfriends that you walked away from. You miss having the fun, getting to know each other and really feeling accepted and liked. Perhaps you were even in love. To get that back, I suggest that the next time you find yourself in a fight, you walk away. Get away from the emotional charge of ‘the attack’. Later, when you are both calmer, ask your girlfriend to air her grievances without raising her voice as much as possible, or forgetting that you matter to her. Listen to her and then tell her what you are thinking or feeling – while also remembering that she matters to you.

Fighting is hard. There’s an entire Master’s degree called ‘conflict resolution’. The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded each year to exceptional peace brokers. Every Miss Universe has fervently named peace as a personal wish and desire. Reconciliation is always harder if you have used things that were said in trust as a weapon. So walk away, calm down, and come back. You will fail at this several times, but every so often you’ll get it right. You ’ll see that your relationship will get deeper and you will get to know each other better and better.

Also, you have been missing out on a lot of make-up sex. Some people love it so much that they keep breaking up just to get more of it.

How do you deal with arguing with your partner? Leave a comment below or join the discussion on Love Matters Naija and Kenya.

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