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Alphonce Omondi

Friends with benefits: is that possible?

I want to have sex with my friend. She wants to have sex with me. But we don’t want a relationship. Is that okay? a reader asks.

Friends with benefits

Hahaha! So many friends have found themselves in this situation – sexually attracted to a friend, desiring them, and yet clear that they do not want a relationship. So many friends have convinced themselves that they can be ‘friends with benefits’. It has worked for some. But the majority report that one or both of them fell in love with, or at least deeply in possession of, the other person and the arrangement collapsed.

Deep connections

Sex was designed as many things – a way to propagate the species, a form of pleasure, and a deep form of communication, which is why most religions hold it as sacred. It is, therefore, an oxymoron, to think that we can engage in this super connecting activity without connecting to the person we are doing it with, especially when we are already affectionately connected to that person, as you are to your friend.

A friends-with-benefits set-up demands that you each be vulnerable without the typical agreements that mitigate that vulnerability (e.g. an agreement to be faithful, to treat the other person as special and protect their feelings and sexual secrets etc.).

Clear boundaries

My intention is not to dissuade you but rather to point out probable consequences of your actions. The ‘friends with benefits’ arrangements that work have clear boundaries to protect both parties. Some of the things to discuss before you start are: How will you deal with other sexual partners?

Jealousy is a huge issue in these arrangements.

How often will you be having sex? The more sex you have, the more intimate you will get. Will you continue to hang out as friends while having sex as a non-couple? Spending the day together, then having sex all night will soon be very confusing for both of you. And perhaps most importantly: which form of contraception will you use?

My opinion is that this arrangement works if the two of you are merely acquaintances and you do not hang out in the same circles. This allows you to carry out the ‘friends with benefits’-deal without knowing too much about the other person’s dating and private life. And you can end the sex without having to see the person all the time.

Good luck though and do share how it turns out.
 

Have you had a ‘f*ck buddy’? Share your experiences. Leave a comment below or join the discussion on our Facebook Love Matters Africa and Naija pages.

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Recent Comments (52)

    1. Speaking from experience,
      Speaking from experience, Brian?

      1. We love you right back…

        We love you right back Blessing, have a wonderful week ahead and stay safe!

  1. I hv never had ‘friends of
    I hv never had ‘friends of benefit’ in my life,but what i understand such kind of arrangement usually end up ruining the gud warm friendship that was there before into hatred,enemity and departure! This has to some extend contributed to marriage break-ups,divorce and separation witnessed in the present day.My advice is that sanity should prevail all the time,since marriage is divined institution ordained by God himself so need to be respected at all times! Sex is for only married couples!

    1. Thank you for sharing your
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts, John.

  2. pleasure of sex with another
    pleasure of sex with another friend i see it like no arm there bcz is some how of opportunism and really in world we have i don’t see anything bad in it otherwise am in front line to support it beyond doubt

    1. Thanks for your comment,
      Thanks for your comment, Felix.

  3. as long as boundaries are
    as long as boundaries are clear to both parties i dont see nothing wrong ..but dont regret later when u wish u wld av just been friends without benefits

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Suzan.

      1. Thank you for your feedback

        Thank you for your feedback

  4. to all concerned

    to all concerned
    – avoid dangerous practice

    1. Why do you think it’s
      Why do you think it’s dangerous?

  5. i think there’s no problem, ,
    i think there’s no problem, ,,if you can clear ua thoughts to each other

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Ben

  6. I don’t see anything wrong
    I don’t see anything wrong with it,as long as you are both open about your marital status and respect your marriages, I have done it , am still doing it and it is working very well for me .its amazing I tell u

    1. Thank you Eric for sharing
      Thank you Eric for sharing that with us.

  7. it can work but u may end up
    it can work but u may end up loving each other koz wen ever U hve sex u get Intimately connected to each other so u end up becoming lovers but still its good koz love after friendship makes a great love story.

    1. Thanks for your input Hashim,
      Thanks for your input Hashim, and for taking time to respond.

  8. I dont c anythng wrong wth
    I dont c anythng wrong wth friends with benefit, personally av had since ma hubby has never had sex wth me, ma frnd is married n i am too but we know our boundaries coz no one will want to lose their family

    1. Thanks for sharing your story
      Thanks for sharing your story with us.

  9. Its the sweetest thing I have
    Its the sweetest thing I have ever had in my life time so far as long as the terms and conditions u two set are working

    1. Thank you for your feedback
      Thank you for your feedback and for sharing your story Robert.

    1. Thanks for sharing your
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us Felicia.

  10. This is not how to keep
    This is not how to keep frienship alive. Period.

    1. Thanks for your input Alex.
      Thanks for your input Alex.

  11. I can go for it but very…
    I can go for it but very important, boundaries should be drawn a d adhered to what’s however

    1. Thank you for your…
      Thank you for your contribution Kioko.

  12. Speaking from experience. It…
    Speaking from experience. It is very difficult because at the end you fall in love.And it is so strong that even after marrying another person you still want the former.Please don’t try

    1. Hey Pauline, thank for…
      Hey Pauline, thank for sharing your personal experience with us.

  13. As long as the benefits are…
    As long as the benefits are either mutual causing no harm on the ways of life we have to lead then.. Non string attached relationship can work too

    1. Thank you for your…

      Thank you for your contribution Douglas.

    1. Hello Ashaa, unfortunately…

      Hello Ashaa, unfortunately we are not a dating service and for this reason we are not able to help you meet someone. We wish you well.

  14. well,I personally don’t u…
    well,I personally don’t u see u enjoying it to the fullest while behind an affection!
    I mean it’s tht good to hv it with someone who u feel there z something to do with love.otherwise I won’t support it tht way,u rather be friends bt if so then each ov u z cheating on yo Tru partner.

    1. We appreciate you…

      We appreciate you contribution Ben.

  15. Dont try something which you…
    Dont try something which you will never be able to finish I tried it but he end up falling in love with me

    1. Hey Tasha, we agree. Both…

      Hey Tasha, we agree. Both partners must be clear about what you can or can not get from the relationship with clear boundaries.

  16. Friend who can benefit me
    Friend who can benefit me

    1. Hey Amo, welcome to Love…

      Hey Amo, welcome to Love Matters Africa. Unfortunately, we are not able t help you meet someone. All the best. 

  17. it is nice to friend indeed
    it is nice to friend indeed

    1. Thank you for your input.

      Thank you for your input.

    1. Hi Jov, could you please…

      Hi Jov, could you please explain what you mean?

  18. Vincent ochieng thank you so…

    Vincent ochieng thank you so much for your positive feedback and we look forward to sharing with you more exciting and informative content. Have a wonderful week ahead and stay safe. 

  19. Hi Kelion, thank you for…

    Hi Kelion, thank you for your input.

    1. Hi Mucheru, 

      Do you think…

      Hi Mucheru, 

      Do you think it’s possible to be friends with benefits?

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