Valentine, on-call
Alphonce Omondi

Friends with benefits: is that possible?

'I want to have sex with my friend. She wants to have sex with me. But we don't want a relationship. Is that okay?' a reader asks. Valentine answers: 'Have clear boundaries.'

Friends with benefits

Hahaha! So many friends have found themselves in this situation – sexually attracted to a friend, desiring them, and yet clear that they do not want a relationship. So many friends have convinced themselves that they can be ‘friends with benefits’. It has worked for some. But the majority report that one or both of them fell in love with, or at least deeply in possession of, the other person and the arrangement collapsed.

Deep connections

Sex was designed as many things – a way to propagate the species, a form of pleasure, and a deep form of communication, which is why most religions hold it as sacred. It is, therefore, an oxymoron, to think that we can engage in this super connecting activity without connecting to the person we are doing it with, especially when we are already affectionately connected to that person, as you are to your friend.

A friends-with-benefits set-up demands that you each be vulnerable without the typical agreements that mitigate that vulnerability (e.g. an agreement to be faithful, to treat the other person as special and protect their feelings and sexual secrets etc.).

Clear boundaries

My intention is not to dissuade you but rather to point out probable consequences of your actions. The ‘friends with benefits’ arrangements that work have clear boundaries to protect both parties. Some of the things to discuss before you start are: How will you deal with other sexual partners?

Jealousy is a huge issue in these arrangements.

How often will you be having sex? The more sex you have, the more intimate you will get. Will you continue to hang out as friends while having sex as a non-couple? Spending the day together, then having sex all night will soon be very confusing for both of you. And perhaps most importantly: which form of contraception will you use?

My opinion is that this arrangement works if the two of you are merely acquaintances and you do not hang out in the same circles. This allows you to carry out the 'friends with benefits'-deal without knowing too much about the other person’s dating and private life. And you can end the sex without having to see the person all the time.

Good luck though and do share how it turns out.
 

Have you had a ‘f*ck buddy’? Share your experiences. Leave a comment below or join the discussion on our Facebook Love Matters Africa and Naija pages.

Comments
John hannington
Mon, 07/27/2015 - 20:36
I hv never had 'friends of benefit' in my life,but what i understand such kind of arrangement usually end up ruining the gud warm friendship that was there before into hatred,enemity and departure! This has to some extend contributed to marriage break-ups,divorce and separation witnessed in the present day.My advice is that sanity should prevail all the time,since marriage is divined institution ordained by God himself so need to be respected at all times! Sex is for only married couples!
Felix mutua
Tue, 07/28/2015 - 08:32
pleasure of sex with another friend i see it like no arm there bcz is some how of opportunism and really in world we have i don't see anything bad in it otherwise am in front line to support it beyond doubt
as long as boundaries are clear to both parties i dont see nothing wrong ..but dont regret later when u wish u wld av just been friends without benefits
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